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in these accounts? He is already on a joint checking account which I understand is now legally his money. There is a lot of money involved here and I am getting nervous.

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I have been dealing with these issues for years when Mom asked me to help her with finances....it is not as easy as it seems. Here's what I have found out:

1) In order to help Mom with bill paying and have access to records, I had to be put on the account. At the time, I asked if I could be a "signer" only and they said that would be fine. Come to find out, I am a "co-owner" of the account. So the funds would transfer to me after her passing. If I gave half to the sib, which is her wishes, it would be a "gift" and there would be tax issues.
2) Same with CDs. They are a bank product and if you want to have any access to records or to help with investments you have to be listed on the account.
3) I buy everything for Mom so I asked the credit card company if I could be a signer only. They said that I had to have my own card in order to use the account but I would be considered a "signer" and not legally responsible. FALSE. I saw an article online recently and called the cc company. I was legally responsible for any charges made on the card, so I took my name off.
When you become a steward of your parent's accounts, you have to be so careful to ask the right questions. When it comes to anything financial I found that it is much more complicated than you think.
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What your brother expects you to do and what you have to do are not the same thing. If there is plenty of money, be sure it is used on help for Mom. You be the daughter, let professionals be the nurse, the homemaker, the cook, the driver, etc.
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If he is listed as a co-owner, yes. I believe he may also be listed as a beneficiary, in which case, yes.
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Who is your bother? Don't you mean brother? Or is this a Freudian slip?
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Igloo here - I'd like to add that the LT really, really needs to be done by an estate planning attorney who has their practice in the same county where mom lives. It needs to be set up just right on how each asset is named with the proper forms that often are particular to the county in which the asset resides. If not done correct, you can find yourself having to go to probate to deal with a single item which is a royal PIA.

All these issues are sticky, you'll need to hire an experienced lawyer to help. To begin your search for the best lawyer for the job, contact the local bar association and ask whether it has a lawyer referral service that includes those who specialize in elder law or estate planning. You can also contact the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys for a referral to its members in your area. Good luck.
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Madge - my hunch is you can't see the forest for the trees. You need to turn all this over to someone who is an outsider, who doesn't care if mom is a nutcase.

Ask the 3 attorney's in the family (do this via email if you can so you have a record just in case it later on is not all kum-ba-ya) for a name/referral for an estate &/or elder law attorney. Then find maybe 3 on your own. Hopefully one of those names is the same and go and see them. Pay for it out of your own $$ - think of it as for every dollar is an ounce of dysfunctionality off of you. Have them come up with a plan and present to bro & mom. If they buy it, then fabulous, if they don't well you've done what you can. No guilt, no embarassment. It ain't easy but you need to to whatever for your best emotional health first & foremost.
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madge1: your instincts are correct in not wanting to involve the "family" attorneys. You really need an expert in elder financial planning and estates. (On this site, Ralph Robbins is a great resource...try searching under the "Money and Legal" category.)
I think people misuse or misunderstand POAs all the time. All they really do is allow another party the power to make decisions if the parent is incapacitated. They should not be helping themselves to funds before or after a parent is deceased. Even Living Trusts just guide the trustee...the trustee has no power but to follow the intent of the will. The exception to this is accounts (outside the will or trust) where a beneficiary is named or the person is co-owner of the account.
Also, in regard to "gifting:" if one member "inherits" the funds in a bank account, after the death of a parent, and they give half to another (family member or not) they are responsible for taxes because they are the original recipient.
After years of my Mom handing over money to and taking out loans for my sib I finally convinced her that it was not the best way to plan for her future. I am now her medical and financial POA. I WISH my sib and I could work together to do this, but it seems that in every family there is someone willing to relieve seniors of their hard-earned income. I now pay all the bills (through bill pay at my bank - that way I have a record of every transaction.)
I, too, worry that one day my sib will talk my Mom into changing her POA. But, ya' know, there is only so much you can control. If they want to throw their money away on bad investments or an unscrupulous relative, there is not much you can do.
Your hub's family seems to be the exception, not the norm. Most of the kids who really care about their parent's well being, put up with most of the work and then the grief. That old adage keeps spinning in my head, "No good deed goes unpunished."
(btw, where is your Mom now? who is overseeing her care? if she isn't at that point yet, make it clear to her that if she trusts her son with the pocketbook, she will have to trust him with her care.)
Here are some things you might want to try: call your mother and ask her about the situation. Do this calmly, she may not understand the intricacies of these accounts and investments - my Mom wouldn't. Your brother may have wanted to "shorthand" things by putting his name on her accounts to pay bills. Make them both aware of the financial consequences should she pass and not have you on those accounts. Their response will tell you all you need to know.
As Jeanne said, what they want and what you are willing to do are not necessarily the same thing. In the future, if you should decide to become her direct caregiver, insist on also being the POA.
good luck....these family things are so grim
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Talking about how to "impoverish" a wealthy elder so that he or she will qualify for Medicaid and still be able to pass money to heirs makes me kind of sad. I know it is legal and it is smart, but it is another of many examples of how the wealthy can protect their money and pass the wealth along, and those of more modest means have a bigger burden. In order to qualify for Medicaid for my husband with dementia I had to sell down all of his life insurance policies, his car, and most of my pension. I'm 19 years younger than my husband. and I'll need that pension money for a long time after he is gone. Having to start over to build up retirement funds is a huge burden. I am supporting us now; most of husband's SS check goes to monthly spend down. When I retire my standard of living will take a dive. I hope I can continue working throughout the remainder of hubby's life or until he needs NH. And although I'm scared about retirement, I know that we are luckier than many, many people who have worked just as hard as we did all our lives. But not as lucky as wealthy people with financial advisors.

I'm not criticizing anyone who takes advantage of what the system offers. I'm just sad that the system works the way it does.
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Thanks Lilliput, nothing is transparent with Mom. She is in good health. I believe she thinks at the 11th hour she will "sign me up" and she and my brother will turn over everything to me. Not going to happen. He is on everything and they refuse to include me, so he will care for her. I have told her, tears and all, how much they have hurt me. They really don't care.
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You are right JeanneGibbs, so many work their entire lives to have it all go, while others find means to save it. I don't blame those who shelter their money for their families. My husbands family did this, they are well educated and smart, but mom-in-law was also very, very loved and cared for.She cost the tax payer nothing. They are just good people. Mom can spend every nickel on herself, wish she would. It sure has ruined our relationship. Not how the money is to be spent but how she has treated me.
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