Last September I needed to move my father into assisted living. His social security doesn't cover all the costs. My husband and I cover the rest of rent, personal expenses, insurance, etc. plus a huge expense to move him. My brother says he can't help out financially, but lives in a nice house, drive expensive car, etc. and now he is avoiding my calls, even though I have never pressured him to help. Just asked if he could give ANY support financially. Very sad that I have now lost a relationship with my brother and not sure how to salvage. Both Christmas and Fathers Day my brother told my dad he sent him a gift card, which my dad never got either. Think he is trying to give the appearance to my dad he is helping out, but he's not.
If my brothers asked me to pitch in to cover mom's $12,000 per month private pay NH, I'd have to say no. I live in a nice coop and have a relatively new car, but I have a mortgage and am approaching retirement that I need to save for.
We're you brought up with the expectation that you would pay for your parents' old age care? I certainly wasn't
I'm sure others will chime in here but I'd suggest you look into Medicaid if what you are saying "He only has SS". If his SS is too much to qualify, then seek the advice of an Elder Attorney for a "Miller Trust." This allows for him to qualify for Medicaid and when he passes, the trust goes to the State. This would take the burden off your relationship with your brother and you two can get back to what really matters - your family and relationship with your father before he passes. Hugs
You can't know what your brother's financial situation is unless you do his taxes, and even then....
Does he have children? A wife? This all becomes very complicated. We often talk here about how you CAN'T make siblings care, do caregiving or contribute. There are laws in place to force PARENTS to care for their children, because that is a legal responsibility that you take on when you have a child. But there is no legal obligation for a child to provide care for their parent; there are "filial responsibility" states, however, and you might want to see if you all live in one. Then, if brother is truly financially able, you might be able to get a judgement against him to provide monies for care.
However, that would destroy the relationship further.
I know you are trying to do all you can for your dad. It is hard to get siblings to help out with time or money. I struggled with this too. How? How do you get a sibling to care about what you have done for your dad? But also get them to contribute. I was so angry. Two of my three siblings did as much as they could, but in my mind, it just was never enough compared to my contributions.
I know its extremely hard to say "let it go." He clearly does not want to help if is ignoring your calls. It hurts. For myself, the moment my dad passed away the anger went out of me. I realized I couldn't get blood out of a stone. As much as I wanted things to be different, they weren't. No matter how angry or sad I was, they weren't going to change their point of view.
For myself, I sort of wished I talked to a counsellor or joined a support group for caregivers sooner. I needed to learn to manage my expectations. My siblings weren't going to change and neither was I. I just wish I didn't let the anger and resentment consume me in the end. I feel it affected my ability to care for my dad and myself.
If you are in a position to think it is ONLY $1,000 per month, you should be grateful for your financial security. I don't know how you can judge anyone else's financial situation without being privy to the details.
You apparently had the kind of relationship with your father that makes you want to help him now. I don't think you can automatically assume that your brother did the same.
If you want a relationship with your brother, accept that he is not going to help. And if you want to write him off because he made a different decision, accept that he is not going to help. Then decide if you want to be swallowed by anger and resentment. Make that decision based on what is best for you, not on anyone else's needs.
If your Dad was a Vet you need to contact the VA to determine if he is eligible for any benefits.
You need to look into applying for Medicaid and that may possibly necessitate another move when they locate a facility that accepts Medicaid. Or ask the administration where his is now if they accept Medicaid. Some will allow a resident to remain if they have private paid for a few years before Medicaid kicks in.
Depending on what the additional expenses are you may have to tell your Dad that he needs to cut back on some things. For example if one of the expenses is a Bus ride with the other residents to a Play this might be something that he could do 1 time a month but the weekly outings are a bit too expensive. Sort of like putting him on a "budget" . The less expensive trips would be alright but your Dad does need to know what the financial stress is doing to you. That is if he does not already know. And if he understands.
What I can't understand is the reaction of those who fly into a rage or take sulky umbrage the moment they're *asked.* They remind me of people who complain about being approached by charities and asked for donations, and feel terribly hard done by because they've been "made" to feel guilty. Well oh dearie me, boo-hoo! If you don't want to put your hand in your pocket to help refugee children or old donkeys or victims of torture, no one will force you; but being put to the trouble of saying no - or saying nothing, come to that - is scarcely a hardship.
A side of a person's personality that is repugnant, Donthaveit - quite so.
So, her father has gifted a great deal of money and will be ineligible for Medicaid, I believe.
60+ years ago my parents started giving their widowed moms a small amount monthly to help them out. There were 5 children in our family (newborn to 15) & they were homeowners. Yet, they personally felt it important to help their moms and came up with a small amount each month to send them.
Each of my parent had numerous married siblings, yet didn't expect them to do the same. Nor did they harbor any resentment if it wasn't done -- which it wasn't by a few of them. However, just because money wasn't given didn't mean they didn't help out. One grandmother's hair was washed/styled weekly by a daughter-in-law, another family member did the laundry weekly, another did heavy cleaning, etc. The lesson learned and example set is that each did what they could — or didn't do anything — and the others didn't complain or compare. Nor did they expect older grandchildren to pick up the slack anywhere.
Every family member’s situation was different, they didn't judge or expect more from each other, accepted with grace what was or was not done, realized their own limitations and set their own boundaries, and kept their sibling relationships intact by respecting each other. That is why their grandchildren are so close all these years later.
As I type this another thing I realize happened is the aging parent also accepted & appreciated whatever help was given. While they accepted their own limitations and adjusted their expectations of life. They were aging, couldn't do as much as they once could, and that it's all part of the cycle of life.
Wish I had remembered all of this sooner in my own mother's dementia struggle. Am glad to remember it as my in-laws are starting on the aging/need-help journey.
I know you have really good intentions but did you just assume brother would help out financially? I have a nice car and a nice home but $500 monthly would be very difficult for me. You are very fortunate to be in a financial situation where $1,000 is doable for you. How long can you afford to be in that situation?
My mom has Alzheimer's and now is in memory care. She lived with me for 2 years before I placed her. I knew she had limited funds and I wanted her money to last once I placed her. I think you need a new plan on how to provide for dad within his means. I am not sure what his monthly expenses are - but are you comfortable with paying $1,000 a month indefinitely?
Look at other options; assisted living fees vary. I found that ALF out in the country is much more affordable; also a group home may work out - I visited some that are very nice. I would re-group and try to find a place where dad can live within his means or find a Medicaid eligible facility. What if something happens to you or your income, than what happens to dad?
It is very possible that he is dodging you out of guilt...even though he believes he is right to say no to giving funds. The bottom line is that we all get to decide where we put our money regardless of how much money we have. He may be living beyond his means and all dollars are committed.
In my case my brother could certainly afford it (month long family trips to Europe for his family, near six figure antique car, have a couple of vintage planes built for the fun of it), and he was loved, adored and praised by my parents. But he is incredibly intelligent and lives in his head, whereas I live in my heart. I accepted that we see thing differently and thus we have a good relationship. I sacrificed and may be poor in my most infirm years, but I would not have done differently. I am sure it baffles him immensely.
Now, follow others directions to secure resources for your father to foot his expenses with the assistance of benefits he has earned through VA, Medicaid - whatever means you can access. Minimize your contribution as much as is reasonably possible. Love your father, nurture your relationship with your brother and take care of yourself.
Well, you're certainly not ALONE in this--but that doesn't ease the sting, does it?
Mother and daddy didn't plan well for their old age. Lucky for them, one of my brothers added an apt to his house and took them in. Still, Mother finds it hard to make do on her SS alone and all she paying for is her food, cable and supplemental ins.
I also have 3 sibs who are MIA. Two of them would step up, financially, but won't do the "hands on" kind of caring Mother requires.
I learned long ago that you CANNOT change a person's mindset. Mt 3 MIA sibs are not going to suddenly step up and assume care. Our family is fractured beyond repair, and it is due to the MIA sibs simply not caring. It's made the 2 of us who DO care angry and frustrated.
If you are OK with supplementing $$ for your dad's care, then don't ever talk about it to brother again. Let him have his ego-boosting lies, and try to let that go.
People who care, are there. Physically, financially, always.