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Last September I needed to move my father into assisted living. His social security doesn't cover all the costs. My husband and I cover the rest of rent, personal expenses, insurance, etc. plus a huge expense to move him. My brother says he can't help out financially, but lives in a nice house, drive expensive car, etc. and now he is avoiding my calls, even though I have never pressured him to help. Just asked if he could give ANY support financially. Very sad that I have now lost a relationship with my brother and not sure how to salvage. Both Christmas and Fathers Day my brother told my dad he sent him a gift card, which my dad never got either. Think he is trying to give the appearance to my dad he is helping out, but he's not.

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$2.336 trillion combined healthcare and social security (not including education) estimated spending for 2017.

I really do envy the quality and availability of your public information. Took me three minutes to ask the question and get an intelligible answer. Impressive. Try that in Whitehall, you'd wait four weeks for an email back and spend another six trying to translate the jargon. Though that might just be because they don't actually know the answer.
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seems rotten we dont make enough money to take care of our selves in the long run ..boy it is going to get worse we now make better money ..that is if you are working full time get fairly good pay well whats gonna happen with part timer& dont make enough like full timers or they have to get a lot of jobs ..when they get old there not thinking like we are .you need a lot when you get old i kinda hate those greedy people that like part time & obama did to ..well the only hope is that trump gets the economy going real good ..if not might have to figure out how to work in there sleep
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I agree with talkey. I asked my sister for 3-4 years to help with my parents (they love with me). She only lives an hour away, but it was like pulling teeth to get her to help. We've only talked once in the past year- so sad, but at least I'm not angry all the time with her, expecting her to do something. My parents still go down (an hour away) to visit her, which is good. Just try to look for other resources-sounds like you have. No chance of going 100% on Medicaid??
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Amyjow: I am very concerned that you're spending your money
when you shouldn't be. You will  be needing that for your own retirement, but then you already knew that. 
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Situations like this bring out the worst in family, at least from what I've seen. No one has stepped up to help my husband with his mother. True, she's turned into a mean old woman, but she loves him dearly.
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Thank you all for all your input. Much good advice which I hope to make note of quickly. To clarify, yes, I'm frustrated my brother won't even help in any capacity. I haven't discussed money with him on months. I have reached out many times, letting him know I am there for "him" if he needs to talk about whatever is going on in his life. Ball is in his court. I'm sure guilt is what is keeping him from calling, but not from any pressure from me. His own guilt.

Spent a lot of months working through different avenues for state financial support. Dad was evicted from his home for not paying property taxes and home owners insurance. He was in a reverse mortag, so lost everything. No assets or insurance.

My husband and I are concerned about our own retirement if we are taking from our savings to help my dad. Will seek out an elder attorney in Texas. We are in California, so best to look in Texas I reckon.

Thanks again for some great advice on many levels! Amy
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I am in a similar situation with my parents and my brother. Let me start by saying that as much as my parents prepared for their elder years, life simply got in the way--unexpected medical issues for both of my parents impacted their finances. So, my husband and I help with as many areas as possible. I was never raised to believe that one of my duties as a child was to take care of my parents. I do so simply because I love them. I know that my time with them is limited by the days, and I want to do all I can to make their final years the best possible. Fortunately, my husband and I are blessed in that we are able to provide assistance. My relationship with my brother began deteriorating four years ago when my dad spent nearly six months in the hospital for heart issues. I took on full responsibility of my mother, who also has health issues. My brother rarely visited the hospital, never offered to help pay with hotel, gas, parking, etc. as we traveled back and forth to the hospital. Nothing. And nothing has improved since. And I know now, that nothing will change. My brother and I barely speak. He knows little to nothing about my life, and the same for me. When something is needed, I ask, I get "I'll send you a check," and more nothing. My parents know what's up, and my heart breaks for them. What has saved my sanity is a wonderfully supportive husband and a couple of friends who are also going through identical situations. I used to get really angry, and I have cried a million tears, but when it comes to the end, I know I took care of my parents, I know they know I loved them, and I will have no regrets. As for my brother, he will be the one who has to address his conscience when my parents are gone.
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If your brother lives in a nice house, he probably has enough on his plate with regular bills. He probably can't take any more on his plate, which is why he's avoiding your calls, and I don't blame him. If someone was trying to hit me up for money when I already had enough on my plate, I would do the same thing if I didn't have the guts to speak up and say no. If you don't pay your taxes or mortgage, you lose your house. If you don't pay your utilities, they get cut off. Your brother may very well be financially strapped in this area, and even more so if he already pays for a car loan in an effort to try to keep transportation on the road. He's probably already financially maxed out and he's probably thinking of his own needs to provide for himself and his family.

As for the gift card to your dad, deliver it yourself if you want to make sure he gets your gifts.

Finally, why are you all paying for your dad's care when his insurance should be paying this expense if he's on Social Security? This is not your responsibility, it's between your dad and his insurance to cover this expense for him
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My brother gives nothing. Not emotional support, encouragement, a few minutes of rest by coming to visit. He's managed to behave in such a way he's not allowed over here until he makes some things right. Doesn't that make it easier to do nothing now? I have to forgive and keep walking. I care for momma because I love her. I'm thankful I have strength and health to do it. I can only imagine how frustrated you are right now. What I would give for just $50 a month to go towards a sitter though, so we could have a date night. I haven't been out with my husband in I can't remember. I've cared for my parents in one way or another for 32 years with no help from my sibling. Even when we were strapped, if they needed help we did it. Not necessarily money all the time, but maybe an oil change, help with my older brother who was bed fast and they cared for him, flower bed weeding, cleaning the house when they were still able to live alone, cooking meals when sick, driving to appointments. Now that my dad is passed and my mother actually lives with me I thought surely I would get a little bit of support just so I can go to the doctor or whatever. Nope. Even when I ask. Nope. I stopped asking a long, long time ago. Selfishness is ugly, it's really hard for a person to acknowledge that they're selfish. They can say all they want that they can't cope with things or they don't know how to handle things or whatever. It's a cop-out. All you can do is forgive him and go on or it will eat you up inside. You love your dad are you wouldn't be sacrificing so greatly for him. No one should ever judge you for what you give. I'm sure you have researched every resource possible. If I was in your position and  couldn't care for him in my home but I could manage to pay what you're paying so that my father could live comfortably I would do it too, for as long as I could. 
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Tonight I decided after reading so many different methods of trying to help you I would give what I have learned along this path of Caring. First, find a excellent Elder Law Attorney - They are experts for your state in what is available and they hire Social Workers who oversee and advise the person who is seeking a path of knowledge. They will give you an appointment after they talk to you and materials that can guide you on what your State will and won't do the individual. There was a sadness and some very harsh letters of coldness toward many of our elderly parents. Many of our parents in their journey of aging had many unforeseen losses in business, health, being used by adult children in very selfish taking of their assets, and of course family members who preyed upon them for their money. No one ever plans to arrive at the end of the journey with no funds. I had the greatest of parents who loved me and my sister so very much. They had very little toward the end of their journey, but I remember growing up the seeing how they worked and cared so deeply for us and later their grandchildren. How they shared what they could on a modest basis and the blessings of love toward the grandchildren. How could I NOT help as much as possible. We both gave in the best manner we could to make things better for them. Painting the house, giving extra monies at the right time, assisting them on short trips to see a failing family member and covering the costs. Lots of good memories and laughs with grandchildren included. They are both passed , but no Regrets about what I chose to do in Love for them. I now am on a journey of caregiving for my wonderful husband of 36 years who is in late stage Parkinson's and is currently in a Memory Care and receiving wonderful care and I was blessed to have taken out long term . It still doesn't cover enough so I to like thousands of other Caregivers are struggling to make it. In answer to your Brothers attitude - I would write and ask him why he is not able to help out and you would understand if he is financially limited. If he just won't even answer at all - Release him! People with these types of communication issues are a waste of time. There are people in my family who have just disappeared for my wonderful husband since he has become so ill. My husband was there for these people financially and emotionally. I call these people selfish. I know they will NOT change so my direction is to CELEBRATE LIFE ! Their day will come and they must deal with what they chose NOT to DO. Every day I thank God for the great times and memories I shared with my sweet husband. He was there for me through some real heartbreaking times and great moments of success. I feel grateful to be there to keep a smile on his face, hold his hand and take him in his wheelchair for an outing. So go Forward - CELEBRATE LIFE And Remember All that was Good !
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Good advice cndreader, I to resent my siblings for the simple fact that I have always been there for my mom, she is in AL now anf I make sure she is ok and they find it difficult even to call her once a week for a 10 to 15 minute "how r you and I'm thinking about you and love you" alot of anger inside me. But I have come to the conclusion that i am not going to call them for "anything" anymore and when the good lord finally decides to take her home, I will not have to live with any regrets and they can live with theirs. Hang in there, your parent knows deep down who the responsible one is.💝
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I am hoping my parents can stay in their home as long as possible. There is no money for Assisted Living. I don't think it's fair for adult children to pay for this. When many have college expenses for children and have to save for retirement. I mean my Dad didn't plan accordingly and will have to go on Medicaid when and if he has to go to a nursing home. We (the children) had to talk him into paying for in home care visits. He didn't want to spend the little money that he has. We convinced him he needs to spend this down to be eligible for some benefits, i.e. VA. He wanted to give us money and we said no...spend it on in home help. I have planned and have long term care insurance. I won't have to rely on anyone when the time comes.
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Amyjow: Under no circumstances should be using YOUR money to cover any of your father's expenses. When I was providing out-of-state care for my mother, I had many a professional tell me just that.
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There's not a thing you can do. My MIL is one of seven children. Has any of her siblings offered any help, or called her or come to visit her? NO! One was making noises about it, my husband told him that she's been at the same # for over a year. They live in the Phoenix area, they routinely visit the styx in central Mexico. But does he visit her? NO!!! I've unfriended a bunch of selfish lunatics (all MIL's family) because I don't want to hear any pathetic excuses. What really makes me furious is when one of these so called family members makes a dig at my husband. DO NOT go there, losers. I'm fierce about defending my own.
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Some assisted living centers accept medicaid (in Illinois anyway). Obviously, your father would have to be totally depleted of assets to qualify. 80% of the folks at Mom's AL were medicaid. Mom is down to selling her last stock that she and Dad had bought together to now pay her $7000 per mo private pay NH. I take care of her checkbook and it's SO DEPRESSING TO SEE SO MUCH MONEY GO OUT EVERY MONTH and for her to be in such a sad state (bedridden, bed sores, unsocial etc.). Hope you can get some help. You and your husband do need to think of your own future, too. It's hard, I know :(
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A friend's mother just died a couple weeks ago at 94, was in AL, and luckily had just enough SS to pay. My friend has no money, only a part-time job she is going to lose soon. My friend AND the mother, through unreal family dysfuction, have been estranged from the mother's well off sons and families for 10 years, have never contributed a cent to the mother's care, sent a card at Christmas and that was it. My friend was the sole caretaker and after the mother died, was arranging with Medicaid to have her cremated (they would pay a smallish sum). The mother's son decided to hijack the mother out of the morgue, into a funeral home, and made his OWN funeral arrangements for the mother he had done nothing for, previously, in 10 years! My friend was utterly furious over this. I told her, maybe his conscience was prodding him to 'do the right thing' at last. People are strange, aren't they?
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I have the same situation. It seems that there is always one child who stands up and takes the responsibility and the others usually don't. My Sister made it plane 5 years ago that she would do nothing!!! It finally got to the point that I told her she no longer had a family, she walked out on us and let me to do it all. I love my Mom but after a few years it becomes overwhelming. A few months later she decided that she would take mom for a couple months. We finally had to put Mom in a home, of course I made sure she was with me. I live in Texas and my sister in PA. Now that my sister knows there is no way she will have to lift a finger she acts like she was there all along. I'm amazed at the games and how selfish some people can be. I have learned to let it all go, its not worth it. I say that because it will only hurt you and drive you crazy trying to figure out why they won't help. If you were around my Sister at a family function she will fake cry and act like she had done everything that she can possible do. On the other hand at one time she actually threatened me that if our family (cousins) found out she was not helping I would have bad problems. She has forgot about all the fights and nasty words that were said, as I told her I will forgive her but I will never forget the way she treated our Mother. Best of luck to you, I'm sure this is more of a shock that your brother won't help than it is about the money. I know the money would be a great deal of help however with my sister it was just the hurt that she could be so cold and uncaring about our Mom.
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Amy--
Well, you're certainly not ALONE in this--but that doesn't ease the sting, does it?
Mother and daddy didn't plan well for their old age. Lucky for them, one of my brothers added an apt to his house and took them in. Still, Mother finds it hard to make do on her SS alone and all she paying for is her food, cable and supplemental ins.

I also have 3 sibs who are MIA. Two of them would step up, financially, but won't do the "hands on" kind of caring Mother requires.

I learned long ago that you CANNOT change a person's mindset. Mt 3 MIA sibs are not going to suddenly step up and assume care. Our family is fractured beyond repair, and it is due to the MIA sibs simply not caring. It's made the 2 of us who DO care angry and frustrated.

If you are OK with supplementing $$ for your dad's care, then don't ever talk about it to brother again. Let him have his ego-boosting lies, and try to let that go.

People who care, are there. Physically, financially, always.
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Yeah I have a brother who neither contributes time and money and has seen Mother once in the past 5 years. Yet he knows what's best for both her and I. Good luck Amy. I hope you find helpful solutions in managing the finances
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Amy, you indicate that you just asked if he could help and you seem okay with his right to choose not to, even though you believe he is financially able. You have his answer. Make a commitment to yourself that you will not speak of finances to him again. Not even commenting on how much things cost for Dad or how much it is costing you. No mention of money. That is necessary for you to maintain open lines of communication. If you live in the same town and have to show up on his doorste p in order to open lines of communication, do it. Think through what you will say in advance, such as; you respect his right to determine where he dedicates his money and do not want your request to interfere in your relationship with him. He is your family and having him present in your life is very important to you. You have missed him, so how is he doing? What's new? Never speak of finances with him again.

It is very possible that he is dodging you out of guilt...even though he believes he is right to say no to giving funds. The bottom line is that we all get to decide where we put our money regardless of how much money we have. He may be living beyond his means and all dollars are committed.

In my case my brother could certainly afford it (month long family trips to Europe for his family, near six figure antique car, have a couple of vintage planes built for the fun of it), and he was loved, adored and praised by my parents. But he is incredibly intelligent and lives in his head, whereas I live in my heart. I accepted that we see thing differently and thus we have a good relationship. I sacrificed and may be poor in my most infirm years, but I would not have done differently. I am sure it baffles him immensely.

Now, follow others directions to secure resources for your father to foot his expenses with the assistance of benefits he has earned through VA, Medicaid - whatever means you can access. Minimize your contribution as much as is reasonably possible. Love your father, nurture your relationship with your brother and take care of yourself.
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KDCM..You know what? Your answer is by far the best. "Bring up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they will not fall away". I have to say that the way the parents raise their children will determine the care they will receive from the children. It is not a struggle to love, even a small amount from each child will help. Maybe that is the answer. Parents start young children the act of love and giving.
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I cared for my husband until he died and then I cared for my Partner for nearly 8 years. I am a gluten for punishment. NO, not really, I loved my husband dearly and he died after a very short hospice setting. My partner had children who refused to call him or to visit him as long as I was in the picture. They would have placed him in a nursing home and he was so fearful of that. Well my partner died 2 years ago. Before he became ill, he transferred everything to me. House and all assets. Thank God he did. 2 yrs later and I am now faced with a son who made it through brain surgery and is more than likely to be struggling with MS now. I sold the house in Oregon and moved to Texas to be near by son and help his wife with his care. My money is in the bank and I insist that I will not want my children to care for me financially. As elders, we need to start taking better care of our financial picture so that the children are not left with a BIG ZERO. I am a healthy 75 year old. I realize my money may not last, but I am sure doing my best. I gave away everything I owned, furniture, antiques etc to the church. I came with my clothes and 2 yorkies. I no longer have any love for personal items. Of course I took photos etc of the family history. Again, Elders need to take a better look at how they will be hurting their children by being broke. I did not want my kids to have to empty a house full of THINGS kids no longer want anymore. It is not up to my kids as this is MY responsibility. The elderly are living longer and need a financial plan BEFORE they get to old to make that plan,
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Oregongirl, I think that you mean MediCAID, not Medicare. And no, Assisted Living places or nursing homes for that matter don't have to take Medicaid patients if they have not contracted with the state to do so. The original poster in another post said that her father had lost his original home to foreclosure due to non-payment of mortgage and taxes. He was sending large sums of money to Jamaica monthly to scammers. The state she lives in would view that as gifting, and if they are not pursing criminal charges, would disqualify her father from Medicaid.
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Amyjow..You need to check with the Assisted Living place again. They must, if I am not mistaken take some Medicare patients and accept the payment the person can afford to make and the State makes up the difference. In addition, he would be allowed to keep some funds for personal use.
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Amy

I know you have really good intentions but did you just assume brother would help out financially? I have a nice car and a nice home but $500 monthly would be very difficult for me. You are very fortunate to be in a financial situation where $1,000 is doable for you. How long can you afford to be in that situation?

My mom has Alzheimer's and now is in memory care. She lived with me for 2 years before I placed her. I knew she had limited funds and I wanted her money to last once I placed her. I think you need a new plan on how to provide for dad within his means. I am not sure what his monthly expenses are - but are you comfortable with paying $1,000 a month indefinitely?

Look at other options; assisted living fees vary. I found that ALF out in the country is much more affordable; also a group home may work out - I visited some that are very nice. I would re-group and try to find a place where dad can live within his means or find a Medicaid eligible facility. What if something happens to you or your income, than what happens to dad?
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My mother is in an assisted living facility. We figure her savings will be depleted by and year and a half. We have been assured that once that happens we can apply for Medicaid to supplement her social security and pension and still stay there. Some assisted living facilities have this plan and others do not. Check in to it.
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We can only lead a horse to water; we can't make them drink. Likewise, we cant make someone else do something we want them to do.

60+ years ago my parents started giving their widowed moms a small amount monthly to help them out. There were 5 children in our family (newborn to 15) & they were homeowners. Yet, they personally felt it important to help their moms and came up with a small amount each month to send them.

Each of my parent had numerous married siblings, yet didn't expect them to do the same. Nor did they harbor any resentment if it wasn't done -- which it wasn't by a few of them. However, just because money wasn't given didn't mean they didn't help out. One grandmother's hair was washed/styled weekly by a daughter-in-law, another family member did the laundry weekly, another did heavy cleaning, etc. The lesson learned and example set is that each did what they could — or didn't do anything — and the others didn't complain or compare. Nor did they expect older grandchildren to pick up the slack anywhere.

Every family member’s situation was different, they didn't judge or expect more from each other, accepted with grace what was or was not done, realized their own limitations and set their own boundaries, and kept their sibling relationships intact by respecting each other. That is why their grandchildren are so close all these years later.

As I type this another thing I realize happened is the aging parent also accepted & appreciated whatever help was given. While they accepted their own limitations and adjusted their expectations of life. They were aging, couldn't do as much as they once could, and that it's all part of the cycle of life.

Wish I had remembered all of this sooner in my own mother's dementia struggle. Am glad to remember it as my in-laws are starting on the aging/need-help journey.
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Western Union to Jamaica. That was a scam, a crime, I would think that Medicaid and or the VA would make exceptions for that. Was a police report filed? Does the FCC have enforcement and investigation of internet crime?
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From an answer the OP gave to another query: "I recently had to move my father because he was being evicted from his home from lack of payments on his property taxes and home owners insurance. Found out he was sending $500-$800/month of his $1100 social security check via western union to Jamaica."

So, her father has gifted a great deal of money and will be ineligible for Medicaid, I believe.
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I take it that your Dad has no assets at all, if so why isn't his care covered. I do know that as long as the person truly has no assets and did not give them away most states will provide care. If they have property - a lien would be placed on it to assure payment for care. Do not let this ruin your relationship with your brother. Hang in there.
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