I am sick about it and not sure what steps I should take. I became Durable POA because after a few incidences with him stealing her money now two years later it is starting again. It started years ago talking her into $1000 here and $1000 there. Loans for his kids cars, school etc. I found out two years ago that 8 years ago he opened numerous credit cards in her name charged them up $154,000 then had her go down and declare bankruptcy.
He also has borrowed $45,000 on the only life insurance she had left. This policy had all 3 siblings as beneficiaries. There was $26,000 left which we were going to use for her burial. In the last year her dementia is starting to get worse. She refuses to see that he is stealing her money. It was all brought out in the open and I figured now that he was caught it would stop. Especially since he is publically known and represents himself as a Christ follower. Well two years later now that moms credit is cleared up he took her out and had her lease a vehicle for him (he has horrible credit. A note from the credit report tip us off and sure enough the loan is in her name, her plates and I think she thinks she cosigned for it. This made me look into the insurance policy and he has taken out more and had the beneficiary changed to him. So now there is no burial money. She owns property but has a $31,000 mortgage and an equity loan on that (brother's of course). This property was suppose to go to my other brother but I do not think he will be able to pay off the loans in order to keep it. When I talk to my mom she gets very mad and accuses us of trying to kick him out of the family. She says she spent the money on trips and house improvements. Sorry but there is nothing that shows that and I paid for the last trip she took.
So do I just walk away and tell my brother the funeral is on him? I have talked to my lawyer about all this when the car issue came up. I am very close to outing him but that would sever ties with the family.
Seems like there is always ONE in the family. My creepy brother did so much damage to so many people. He's dead now--and mourned by only one person--my mother who saw nothing but good and light and perfection in him. It's hard not to hate him. I don't care that I won't get an inheritance, but I sure care that my youngest brother and his family have suffered financially for years because they had a huge house payment they should not have had. Good luck--your mom is gonna be mad--brace yourself for that. No matter what my brother did, mother backed him up. Still does.
Random suggestions;
Prepay the funeral
Enact DURABLE part of POA if possible
Notify all credit reporting agencies that she is NOT able to sign up for credit cards or loans (a "freeze") - look into identity theft monitoring
Change ALL accounts/account numbers such that you or you AND she can access, but not her alone (respects her "independence", but gives "bad son" no leverage (include note that triggers a call to you if any attempt is made to withdraw money without you, and a text/e-mail alert to all transactions on any of her accounts)
Create a handy-dandy document that lists all of the financial abuses, "loans" by "bad son" listing date and amount with a total amount, and let "bad son" know that ANY attempt to access her accounts by ANYONE, including outsider identity theft, will trigger that list being forwarded to APS, the DA AND all of the siblings.
Your brother is not being unkind, rude, stealing petty cash, or dipping a hand into the cookie jar - he is a criminal who may make it impossible for your mother to receive care she will need as well as appropriating the inheritances of the entire family. I am not going to apologize for harsh language here. There is no way in hell this is really what your mother wants or needs if she is worthy of being called Mother. Maybe she also had trouble with "confrontation" and standing up for herself and her other kids, or could not admit she was wrong to baby and pity your brother into the irresponsible taker and parasite he has become. If you can't locate your backbone and stop this abuse, it will not stop until every last penny is gone, and if you really are psychologically unable to handle any conflict or confrontation, you need to resign the POA and see that someone else who is less timid takes over while you get some help and learn to stand up for yourself and the people who need you to. And rationalizing that you don't have to get a guardianship unless brother tries to get POA is just that - if it is to his advantage to do that, he will certainly persuade her to change it over. Right now he doesn't need to because he can count on you to keep doing nothing.
Look, you are POA and you are not stepping up to the plate here. Re-read your document. You could be held legally and financially responsible for failing to protect her best interests, as several others have pointed out. Lawyer up and get control, or go to APS and the police, NOW. A decent eldercare attorney can hold your hand through the process and even play bad cop for you to some extent. At the very least get the incapacity letters from the physicians so that your POA is in full effect and her changing it could be more credibly contested.
"All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing." Please stop confusing being "good" with being a doormat.
Even though your mother and brother don't hold you accountable, other people might, ie creditors. The legal world doesn't accept "we didn't want to confront him".
I understand your emotional turmoil, but please don't ignore the worst-case outcomes, and simply hope for the best, as you think through this. There's no free lunch. Good luck.
You are being far kinder with this brother than I would be. Sounds like you're angry and concerned, but not to the point you're going to actually DO anything. If you are OK with the status quo, then let it go. Bad brother will continue on in his path, and will take from mom everything she has and then some. You probably WILL get stuck with funeral expenses, as there won't be any money for it.
I, too, had a brother who took (stole) from my parents. The rest of us sibs did not know until my parents had to sell their house and we all found out that instead of having $290,000 ( the worth of their home in 1998)--they had less than $120,000. And their silver was gone, as were coin collections worth thousands, and anything and everything of value. He'd simply taken it. You better believe there was confrontation! My dad had let Mother do all this as he was too sick---and then to find their "nest egg" practically gone!
Brother was written out of the trust. Mother still slipped him money every time she saw him, but she was put on a budget with another brother overseeing her. My parents moved into an attached apt at another brother's home and they were supposed to pay off the mortgage in lieu of the caregiving that was going to be required, since brother quit his 2nd job to be home more to care for dad. Ended up they HAD to keep the little money they had left, brother has cared for my parents in his home and they paid nothing but the cable bill since. Dad died 11 years ago, mother is there now. Brother died 3 years ago---still feeling completely entitled to all the money he took. Mother wouldn't pursue legal action, it was her money, so we as kids could do nothing.
I am grateful Mother and Daddy had pre-planned and pre-paid funerals.
If you don't want confrontation, then don't have it. Live with the consequences. I still have some level of anger at the mess "bad brother" left behind, but more of that is emotional stuff--the money wasn't mine, but the repercussions still are there. All 4 of us "stable" sibs have had to step up over the years and help out the brother who has mother living there.
I agree with Windyridge--your brother should be held accountable--but sounds like mom has chosen sides. I'm really sorry for you---I'm not good at confrontation either, I understand, but you have to either confront him, or walk away.
Sorry for the overlong post--this just hit way too close to home!
You need to take legal and/or police advice immediately, for this simple reason: if your mother has dementia sufficiently bad for her to be deemed incompetent, *you* are now responsible for what happens to her money. She cannot act for herself, you have power of attorney, therefore you are obliged to act in her best interests. That's the whole point of it.
You may find that you have more uncomfortable questions to answer about what you have been doing for the last two years than about whether or not your brother will remain in the bosom of the family. Get all the paperwork together and seek advice without delay.
Is that when she moves into your living room? You think your husband is angry now? Either call the police or resign your poa and tell mom and brother that they should have fun living together when the time comes.
Adult Protective Services investigators protect vulnerable adults from abuse, neglect and exploitation by coordinating with mental health, public health, law enforcement, the probate courts, the aging network, community groups and the general public.
If you suspect abuse, neglect or exploitation, call 855-444-3911 any time day or night to make a report. Staff will investigate allegations within 24 hours after the report is received.
Vulnerable: A condition in which an adult is unable to protect himself or herself from abuse, neglect, or exploitation because of a mental or physical impairment or advanced age.
Abuse: Harm or threatened harm to an adult's health or welfare caused by another person. Abuse may be physical, sexual or emotional.
Neglect: Harm to an adult's health or welfare caused by the inability of the adult to respond to a harmful situation (self-neglect) or the conduct of a person who assumes responsibility for a significant aspect of the adult's health or welfare.
Exploitation: Misuse of an adult's funds
These are the facts on which you need to focus. The next issue is action, and whether you and your other brother can do what's necessary.
Your mother is displaying poor judgment; if she doesn't have dementia significant enough to affect her thought processes, she's still not exhibiting prudent financial management.
And she still shouldn't be handling her own finances. Read the DPOA and see if it allows you to act now, absent any specific finding of dementia. If it does, step in and take over all her finances, whether she likes it or not.
Change accounts, close accounts, put a security freeze on her credit reports - do everything you have to prevent the thieving brother from accessing her finances. She may be angry at you, but this needs to be done.
Your mother is enabling your brother to exploit her. If you want to change the situation, recognize that her behavior is going to turn her against you. You need to be prepared to accept that if you want to make changes.
I recognize that this is a difficult situation - you will likely alienate your mother by stepping in to protect her finances. You'll have to ask yourself which is the worst situation - alienating her or protecting her financially.
Windy's observations are insightful. Given that assessment, do you want to be a party with knowledge of this financial exploitation? What would you say if a police officer asked you why you didn't step in to take control? That's the way law enforcement would see it - you have the legal authority - use it.
If you don't feel up to the confrontation, hire an attorney to handle the action necessary.
The money is probably long gone, but do you not want to see justice done? I'm with your hubby. I'd want to kill this guy.