My mother has dementia, about 3 years now. She lives with my sister in what used to be her house (my sister bought it a few years back for $1). I offered to take her to doctor's appointments, etc., but my sister never has let me. I also asked to attend appointments with them so I have a better understanding of what's going on with my mom, but have been denied.
I have been taking my mom for about 2 weekends a month for the last two years. Over the last few months, she has been worse and worse each time she is at my house. She doesn't sleep, she has bathroom issues, she is agitated and keeps asking to go home. I try to reason and distract her, but she gets angry and sulks. I tell my sister after each visit how she does, but I get told that she doesn't do that at home, or just 'OK'. The last time she stayed over was the worst. Besides being anxious and angry, she charged at me with her fists, tried to headbutt me and threatened to knock me down the steps. I told my sister that my mom can't stay with us for the weekend anymore since she gets so out of control and anxious. I said I would still take her for days (pick up in the am, drop her off after dinner), and continue to help (I've picked her up, stayed with her when she had issues with her home health aid, etc). She told me that doesn't help her and now is no longer speaking to me (blocked me on social media, won't return texts or calls). I still want to see my mom. Can she prevent me from doing that?
Is the care getting to be too much for your sister? Does your mother have assets to pay for a facility?
I hope that you and your sister can meet and make a plan for going forward.
And I have no idea what my mom's financial situation is. That information has not been given to me when I've asked in the past.
Ask sister if you can have a sitdown conversation over coffee to discuss the situation. Tell her you want to help, not make things worse, no demands. Consider going over to sisters house on weekends and babysitting mom, while sister and family get away. Consider offering paying for a cleaning lady, or in-home care a few hours a week to help sister with caregiving responsibilities and costs. Consider cooking extra and bringing over frozen meals every other week for sisters family and mom. Consider giving sister a giftcard for dinner out and you come over and stay with mom. Can you go over and take mom to senior living center and staying with her there a couple days a month?
Lastly, you say you've offered and sis says "that doesn't help her" -- ask sister point blank to tell you or write to you "what would help her with mom?"
Its sad it has gotten to this; but you aren't the first person -- there are so many on this forum who are going through this. I hope they will respond and let you know their outcome good or bad.
This is a very tough family situation. I have a sister and its not the easiest when it comes to caring an elderly parent. I'm sure you sister feels abandoned and burden. My parents did the same thing to me. Here have the house and take care of me. Me, failing to realize what this meant on a day to day to basis and the toll it would take.
I don't know if you want to consider talking to social worker, family therapist, or get in contact with Adult Protective Services and get all your options. Maybe its time for the family to talk about assisted living or a nursing home.
I hate to see any sibling relationship broken. Maybe try writing a letter to your sister. I'm sure she has a lot of anger and resentment about the position she finds herself in and feeling very burdened.