Sibling issues. Has anyone experienced a sibling who is AWOL due to you, the caregiver?

Quite honestly it seems your sister doesn't care about either of you; what she says to "others" is likely whatever excuse she feels might work. Without communications (and she certainly seems to want to avoid that) there is little you can know about what really is going on. Sometimes you just have to accept the possibility that a relation is just not a very nice person, after all. And then move on with your own life.

I’m there with you. My sister figures I’ve got it covered so she rarely visits. Everything has always fallen to me to take care of my mother. I had two brothers but they both passed away in 2012. My sister wasn’t even supportive to my mom at that time. I work full time and try to take care of mom. Thank goodness I have a boss that let’s me telework almost every day. If my sister would just visit I could concentrate on my work and mom would have company. I’ve asked for her emotional support for me, for mom and she’s just too busy! BTW, she’s retired and only lives 15 minutes from me.

If you honestly think your sister would visit dad but does not because you are there try this to test your theory.
Contact her, whatever way you want, phone, email....
Ask if she wants to visit dad and if so you will leave the house while she visits.
If she wants to spend a few hours make plans to get your hair done, make a doctor's appointment, get a massage...anything to give yourself a break.
She can have her visit and you can have a day to yourself.
If this works out you can arrange that she come every Monday from 9 until 3 or whatever day and time works for both of you.
You get respite, she visits dad and gets to care for him for the day so she understands how dad is doing.
If she declines the invitation then you know that she is not refusing to see him because of you.
At that point her refusal to visit and have contact is on her not on you. She will be the one that will be sorry when dad is at End of Life and she realizes she missed out.

Your sister is not AWOL as you say because of you. No. More likely she has no intention of ever helping out with your father's care needs and is using you as her excuse.
Of course she has never said anything to you about it and never will. She's maintaining the status quo and making sure the situation stays exactly as it is. This way she doesn't have to take on any of the caregiving responsibility for your father, while saving face with the family by making the reason your fault.
The going around to the family members and blaming you completely for everything is because your sister is trying to line up allies for her cause. She doesn't want to be seen as an uncaring daughter who won't help with her father. So she's going around telling everyone that the reason she doesn't is you. Then she'll expect the family to back her up if the day ever comes when you confront her about it.
Do these family members she talks about you with ever come around and visit your father? Let them come and see how much you do for him.
Then call your sister on her BS.

Unfortunately, this happens all the time.

I have a sibling I never hear from since we are just too "different". I have the same issue with one of my children, but we've started some limited communication. You can not make others communicate or visit. You can not make others help. You can only "make yourself do". I try to reach out monthly through letters, emails and texts. Sometimes, I get a response to a text message. I try not to let it bother me, since I am making efforts and they are not.

Basically, I try to live by being loving, kind, and a peacemaker. Then, I pray and let God sort out the rest.

Sounds to me Sister might just be using this as an excuse to not lend a helping hand for Dad's Care.

You should let her know that Dad could go visit her or she could come and stay with Dad fir a week or two, to give you a break and you should take a much needed vacation

This is my life. I have five siblings and my mother moved in with my husband and I after my father's death. Two of my sisters are helpful and present. Another sister, who I've never really had a great relationship with, visits Mom only when required. My brothers aren't much better. I go out of my way to make them all feel welcome. They have a straight line of communication to my mother. Still, very little effort is made to see or talk to her. My advice to you? Let it go. Your sister has most likely been self-centered her whole life. Lower your expectations and lean on those you can. Someday, when your mother is gone, you'll now that you did everything you could to make her happy. Your sister will probably just be waiting for the will, and there's nothing you can do about that. Find your own peace, in spite of her lack of interest.

Yes. She is/was jealous of what she thought our relationship is/was. My relationship is/was forced upon me when no one else is around to help, there is no one. Im habing to take to the internet and find older people to move in. Its a very hard situation. My advice, keep it neutral dont talk about her/him negatively nor should you try and do anything, just be you. We cant make people help us we cant make people do anything. It seems this person finds it easier to use you as an excuse to not deal with whatever you have taken on with your parent. My sister is an RN and hasnt been in my mothers life for a long time bexause of past issues. She has a very clinical almost evil outlook to just sell the house n put her away in a nursing home. My mom has been displaced for almost 9 months due to covid and an insurance water claim that gutted the whole house!? Im deali g with that 100% (i never married owned a house or had kids)I had to put my mom in respite i cant deal with her in close proximity to me anymore. It sucks when people arent there just get creative like i have and try an push forward. It is not easy believe me. I get it.

If she's never said any of this to you, then ignore what others have told you. I'm not saying she is NOT telling them things, but since she hasn't voiced it to you it may be she is just not a caretaker person and has told others things simply to defend not being there for dad.

Call her, when you need something, and ask her directly. If you have to fake a hurt body part, then do it. Ask her if she can come help with dad on a certain day or take him to dr, or whatever. Maybe pick up groceries that you will order online. Anything to get her to the house for a day or a few hours. If you can get her there, then let the honey pour. No bringing up past issues. Agree when you disagree. That may get her foot in the door.

You live with dad. Is it assumed by others that dad is paying your bills, going to give you the family home, that they think you are benefiting more by living with him than if you lived on your own? Many a family has been split by what they 'think' is going on - especially when it comes to the potential split of assets when a parent dies. The inheritance factor is HUGE.

I've got the opposite problem. I'd love to help mom, even though our relationship has been hard over the years.
Because sis mixed up mom's meds and there were none to give mom on my day, she doesn't believe it was her mistake. So she told me to turn in my med box key and to back away. Honestly, what am i going to do with 2 Tylenol, 1 bp pill and 1 cholesterol pill? I suspected a trust issue because sis lives in fear and is very judgemental, so i turned in moms gate key and house key as well and i backed away. I've not been back however, i call mom regularly. I'm not going to go where I'm not trusted. Sis has made the same mistake again with hired people but now she has no one to blame but herself. She's on her own, which she wanted in the first place because she loved the control and refuses suggestions that would make things easier.
Siblings sometimes just cannot work together. Perhaps hire someone to come in and help. Your sister just might not be the type of caregiver needed. Don't fault her. Talk to her and be nice. It's a step in the right surcharge. His luck!

I recently became the caregiver for my father. The thing is my father has rarely been in my life. I became the caregiver because there was no one else that stepped in to help him. Back to your question- My father has 6 children, my sisters and brothers from fathers other relationships. When I contacted them for assistance, the response was basically "let me know how he is doing thanks for calling".
Siblings not supporting and not HELPING is unfortunately very common.
To date none of his children have called or visited.
I do what is needed for father, and has sought help from local senior agency.

Hello. This is my first time responding on this site but reading questions and comments here has kept me sane over the past year and a half when i overnight became my moms primary caregiver. I too have two sisters who do minimal, almost nothing really to help with mom. It seems to be very common from the many people I have spoken to and those on this forum.
I have tried to ask for help nicely, gotten upset 😢 and everything else I can think of to get them to do things to no avail. Then I woke up one day and decided to hire outside help. This has worked out perfectly except that the eldest sibling decided that she didn’t like me getting help for mom without consulting her! Ha! I asked so many times and you refused and now she’s angry I didn’t ask her permission to hire help? She’s using me as her excuse to back off if you ask me.
the other sister plays peacekeeper between the two of us. I have made peace with it all and decided it is on them not me and leave the rest up to God. I know when my mom is gone I will sleep fine at night knowing I did all I could for her. My siblings well they may have some regrets or maybe they won’t who knows.
anyway, hang in there and look into senior community services or hiring caretakers to give you a break.
I agree with one persons response that you can’t make anyone do what they don’t want to! And that your sister is more than likely using you as her excuse not to help so she doesn’t look bad. Move on with your life don’t let her or anyone ruin your precious time you have left with your Dad.
best of luck to you

Yup, sure did. Twisted sis#1! And she is a therapist, yes the head kind.

I cared for mom in her home for four years. Ts1 would never come over. She blamed me, did not want contact with me. Actually, I was just a convenient excuse.

Even when we started a weekly agency caregiver on Saturday so I could get some time away, it took ts six months to stop in for 15 minutes. TS1, a narcissist always found a way to blame me for everything.

Now it is ten years since I started caring for mom, six years since mom was moved to memory care (where ts1 became the attentive daughter, when others were watching). Mom was in a facility for about two years when she passed, four years ago.

Realize that there is nothing you can do to make sis more attentive and caring towards dad. That is just the way it is sometimes.

TS1 tried to blame her disinterest in mom on her counseling of (I think imaginary) convicts and family caregivers. She just couldn't find compassion or empathy for anyone, especially mom. I often thought it would be eye opening to be the fly on the wall during one of her supposed caregiver counseling sessions.

Just the way it was.

Hmm! If my mother still lived at her home and her son was her caregiver I wouldn’t step foot in her home. My half brother threatened my life when I asked him to sign a paper in order to accompany our mother to her Dr visits per Dr and HMO requirements due to her cognitive issues.
He lives in her house and doesn’t work I only asked him to sign it in case of emergency since I always accompany her.
That same day he kicked me out of her house. Months later he kicked her out of her house my DH and I moved her in the dark because the power was cut at the time. She was already spending 70% of the time at our home. She has dementia and we cannot leave her alone for a minute.

Sandy5691: Imho, my brother said "I will not do the out of state caregiving." Well, okay then - that left me to leave my home state and move in with our late mother. Not fun.

I have not experienced a sibling who is awol because of me but I could see how that could definitely be a good excuse.
After three months of my two sisters doing little to nothing for my mom I told one of them that I was done waiting for them and wasn't going to concern myself with their lack of involvement any more. I explained to her that I can only control my actions and that I will continue to care and advocate for my mom no matter what they do and don't do. That was a wake up call for one as she decided to step up.
After five months I finally told sister number 2 that we could use help. She lives two hour away but acts like she lives 2000 miles away. She replied that she had been waiting for me to ask her for help as she isn't here on a day to day basis. GIVE ME A BREAK! You need an invitation to help your ailing mother??? Really. I also told her that some meals would be nice. She had 3, 45 minute visits in 5 months and of course only scheduled around when she was coming for some other reason and only at her convenience. So far two meals, neither of which my mom will eat or likes, so there you go.
In the long run it is totally their loss. I will never regret the time I have spent with my mother. I love her and will continue to do whatever I can to make her happy and loved. I am honored to help my mom and tell her that I help her and spend time with , not because I have to but because I want to.
Thank you for all that you are doing for your dad. You know you are doing the right thing. Totally their loss. One day they may figure that out.

In my experience (wife and I took care of her grandmother, her father, her mother, my father, and now, my 99 year old mother, who lives with us), most children would rather put the caretaking out of their minds. Often, they feel guilty about their own lack of helpfulness. It's hard to blame ourselves, easier to blame others. We have a total of six brothers and sisters, all of whom would like to think they are supportive, but none are. We like to encourage them in their feelings of support, since it makes them more willing to call occasionally. It's probably not you making your sister AWOL. Frankly, my wife and I would like very much to get back to just our own lives, but my mother has vowed never to go to a hospital again, and the nursing home we pulled her out of two years ago seemed a terrible place. So, I sympathize with our kin. If you could get out of this situation with your conscience intact, you'd probably do so, too.

If there is one thing I have learned throughout this process of taking care of mom, it is this:  You can't control anyone but yourself.  Siblings not stepping up to the plate is a common occurrence. If I am the only one taking care of things, then I don't need anyone's approval to make decisions.  That last one is an important one.... If your sibling never visits and never helps with any of the care, then they are in the category of "casual acquaintance".  No different than a friend or neighbor.  And that is their prerogative, but it is your prerogative to treat them accordingly.  Don't give them any more energy or thought.  Make decisions that are in the best interest of your parent and in the realm of what you can handle and leave it at that.  Let your siblings call and ask for an update if they want one.  Once you get to the right place in your head, it is less stressful and easier to handle.

Take care Sandy.

Yes.
You won’t change her or diffuse her anger so as my grandfather used to say, she’s “not even worth ignoring.”

Yes, many of us have family members who are selfish and downright mean. We can not change them. Caregiving is exhausting and very stressful. I can not do caregiving AND be in turmoil over narcissistic family member. They have choices. My husband does not. So they can go on with their lives out and away from ours. .

Your sister sounds terrible...I'm sorry to hear that, but I can relate. I have a selfish sister too. It seems to me that it's very evident that your sister has set this up to make you the scapegoat - it's master manipulating on her part. If she has any sincere feelings to help your dad, then she would - and not blame you as the reason otherwise. And the fact that she "sets the stage" and speaks against you to other family members - so she looks good to others and justifies excusing herself from doing anything for your dad is shameful on her part. It's just amazing how she's crafted this - she's actually covered all bases so she can ensure doing nothing - while you do all the work. She didn't go AWOL because of you - at all. She would have done it anyway. I'm sorry that you have to go thru that. She should be my sister's sister instead!

Yes absolutely there’s always one sibling who does everything for the sick parent and the other does nothing zilch nada zip. It’s usually because the do nothing sibling don’t want to get involved..visiting would mean she thinks she’ll be asked to chip in & help..which she has no intention of doing. Do nothing sibling stays away for that reason only..nothing to do with you…my opinion. I hope you have POA & Health Proxy. I believe in karma..things even out…HUGS 🤗

Both my brother's did not help or visit very much when my father was sick. It was left up to my sister, mother and myself. Their excuse was "we can not stand to see him like this". Just like we did! I can put my head on my pillow at nigh an know I did my part!

You are now in effect an only child, yet you are not but you really are. I am an only child dealing with a 91 year old mother with many health issues. She does reside in SN. I have my husband to thankfully help me.

I think you might as well consider yourself an only child. It is very sad that many siblings can become the way yours does. If you focus on the parent and what needs there are and let go the behavior of your sister perhaps you can feel stronger. It isn't right or fair but is the reality and you need to focus to continue the care you provide.

You can read here endless posts of people caring for a parent with little or no help from siblings so know your situation is far from unique. My husband was also an only child and we dealt with his mother going downhill. She didn't take as long to go out as my mother but there were difficult years. We both longed for siblings growing up. Were we to have had them perhaps the situation might be different but at this point I am glad to choose the decisions I make without interference. I don't know anything else or what that might be like. Wishing you strength.

My SO and his brother's wife have never gotten along. Now that she is their day paid caregiver, he prefers to visit when she's not around.

Your solution might be to propose "dad time" separate from you.

It' s quite common that one family member gets stuck with all the responsibility for caring of an elderly disabled parent, while the others go AWOL. Then, after the funeral, all show up to demand a share of the inheritance. It happens all the time.

Yep. One sibling never, ever visited. Mom talked to her on the phone-I made sure they stayed in touch, by asking if they'd spoken to each other recently. If Mom was lying-OK, at least I tried. My brother-visited maybe four times in the 19 months Mom was alive-choosing to hang out with my then husband over spending quality time with Mom-which was ok with her, as he was her favorite child. My other sister was on the West coast, and managed quite a few visits, with her baby too.
None of the siblings had a good realitionship with each other. Classic family dynamics of a Narcisisst parent (my father was worse). I've read a lot about this, as well as an excellent therapist who first pointed this out years ago. Which then made the nacisissm behaviors, how they impacted me, make so much sense. If you're so inclined, might be worth do some research on this and perhaps therapy. Who knows, there may be another component to your sister's behavior and I'm totally off base with this. I am not, nor ever have been, a therapist of any kind. Just spitballin' here.

The world unfortunately is filled with people in your position. When I was an Admissions Dir. I would watch one family member show up........ day after day after day in all kinds of weather. If there was a snow emergency and she couldn't travel, the nursing station would get a call just to ask how Mom was doing. Nursing was surprised to know that there were two other children living nearby who never called or came to visit Mom until she died that is. They made it to the nursing home before the undertaker! Nursing and Admin staff would not let them remove a thing (what the heck did they think the woman had at the nursing home? Bars of gold??)

Often makes me glad I am an only child, lol!

Just realize that you can't change your sister now. She is what she is and if she were not your sister and you met her at a social function .. well, you still probably wouldn't like her. Don't be yourself up over the lack of closeness with your sibling. She isn't worth your time or energy.

After reading a lot of these judgemental responses, I have to say: not everyone is cut out to be caregivers. Everyone is different and should not be expected to give care to whomever.
Then there are the family dynamics that come into play. Are you the type of caregiver( be honest) that tries to control every aspect of caregiving? My sister who has always had control issues just like my mom, has controled herself into being Moms caregiver, POA, trustee, executrix, advanced health care rep, she's had no professional training but thinks she knows what is best to the point that she nit picked over everything my other sister tried to do to help mom on our visiting days. I have had pre-med classes and geriatric classes over the years, I'm not totally stupid, yet what i tried to do, right down to the temperature of the water i give mom to drink is not correct in my sisters eyes. She stands behind me, directing me in what to do, what not to do, how to do it, when to do it and if i should even do it. Then woah is her because she's so tired. I've tried keeping my mouth shut because she talks over me, interrupts and is condescending.. i can't even take mom to her toenail appt, Dr appt, hearing aids appt and i certainly can't be trusted i guess to pay the bills. I took mom grocery shopping pre covid. I know the things she likes and dislikes so that when covid hit, i was able to pick up moms groceries for her until my sister decided that mom's lunch meat was too expensive and why was i wasting mom's money on it? I told her because mom loves the brand and so many different kinds, it's certified organic and mom can certainly afford to have what she wants to eat. She said the paper thin stuff is better cause it's cheaper (but not what mom likes). So, that was the end of my grocery shopping days. I've offered to relieve my sister so she can take a few days off. She refuses because "What if something happens". She acts like i wouldn't know to call for help and let her know? Once mom was in hospital, and after a full day and night of being there, my sister told me to go home and get rest, which i did. I came back and tried relieving her. Nothing doing. I told her that mom is in the best of care. We will call if anything happens. I was told to get out of her face. I knew it was the stress of it all so didn't push. I can go on and on... I've asked to pull weeds, clean windows or frig...whatever needs doing. (Mainly to stay out of my sisters way but still helping mom). Nope... sister says she doesn't have time to supervise. I'm fed up. My other sister washed her hands off it all months ago and has advised me to do the same. I've stopped going over because now, she wants me to call before i go over! I truly have done the best i can think of. It's to the point that my thinking is that mom let her be in charge, so they can both waller in their own juices. She's my mom too. I love her but I'm tired of being ran over, supervised like a child, ordered around on the"right" way to do things. She can have it all and do it all. At this point, I'm in her way. So all you caregivers out there, please be careful and don't judge. Don't make everything about you. Be willing to accept any and all help in any way you can and for heavens sake don't complain how someone does something because they are also doing the best that they can. Be mindful and thankful that someone wants to help. No one is perfect. For those of you doing it all yourself, thank you, and don't let yourself get bogged down. Take a break, ask or hire someone to step in to help but don't complain because it wasn't done the way you would do it. It's not about you. It's about keeping your loved one safe, healthy and content. and for those caregivers that feel they need to be top dog, please be careful because you may lose your pack. Good luck to all and thank you for all you do and thank us for those who do try, but aren't good enough. Love U