My sibling refuses to call my mom, offer financial assistance, of doing anything for the two of us. What can I do about this?

That is the bizillion dollar question! In my experience, and reading the experiences of others in this forum, there isn't a whole lot you can do to get your sibs to respond the way you hope they would. Usually, one family member steps up and the others step way back.
This may seem obvious, but have you asked them to participate more and share the burden that this has caused your family? Sibs favorite line is, "well, I just didn't know..." They may or may not, but at least you have laid out the reality for everyone. Do it respectfully, be specific about the things you need (ie: it would really help if you could take Mom to the doctor this week, could you come for a visit and stay with Mom so we can have some family time, Mom could use a few extra dollars for expenses, etc...) I know these things should be apparent, but you know what they say about the "squeaky wheel."My sib is passive/agressive...to everyone else he is the caring son, with me he gets beligerent and stomps off...a longtime avoidance technique.
What is the alternative if your family never responds? Will you look for another placement for your Mom? Do you help support her? Does she live with you? Have you looked into state/medicare/medicaid assistance?
This is a good place for advice and many points of view...check back...good luck
Lilli

After yrs of resenting my sis for not helping with the parents, I decided to truly assess the situation. I came to the conclusion that my sister just is not capable. She lives her life her way (on the other side of the country), quietly, avoiding schedule diviations, can't handle confrontations, everything must be neat and tidy. Does that sound like a person who can handle helping a sick elderly mom? No way.
I still resent her, I don't think it's fair that she's mom favorite, but I have to be realistic, she's not cut out for any other life but her own. She has always been weak. I can't make her be something she isn't. I pity her. I'm also thankful I got the "strong" genes!

I'm in the same position. My mom doesn't even get a birthday, christmas or birthday card from any of the family(except my daughter and grandkids) , let alone a call or visit. She lives with me for the past 5 years and is over 90. It is stressful but I'm glad I still have her. I think they stay away because they feel guilt...or better yet are selfish and are living a great free life while I'm trapped and can't go anywhere for over a few hours. Vacations.........what are they.

I also have the problem of "don't worry about mom Bridget takes care of her". I have 9 brothers and sisters and yesterday was Mothers day so everyone called, that will be it until her birthday in October. It amazes me how easy it is for some to just look the other way. I also work 40 hours a week and have 2 sons and a husband and Mom lives with us full time. I have asked for help, just a few hours and nothing. I know the day my Mom closes her eyes they will all weep and moan, but I won't because I will know I did everything I could to help her when she needed it. Big believer in what goes around comes around. Keep your spirits up, you are not alone.

Of all the caregivers I know, regardless of how many siblings they h ave, it is usually just the one child that takes care of the parent. Very sad, but a fact of life. You know they will be standing there with their hand out when their paret passes on. Very sad and selfish.

What can you do about it? Nothing.
Once, I realized the answer was nothing, I quit wasting my time.
Lord knows I have much better ways to spend my time and energy.
Don't try to change what can't be changed.
What can you do to not let the neglect bother you?
That is the difficult question. I wish I could answer that question because it would help us both immensely, but prayer, meditation and a walk always help me.
Good luck with all in life.

If they don't respond to you being specific and tell them what you need/want from them, then you sprinkle in guilt and see what happens. If after those ideas don't work, you 'take it in the shorts' so to speak and forget it & let it go, cause it'll make you miserable otherwise. Sorry.

Lack of concern is a serious character flaw.Keep your ducks in a row-your paperwork straight.The ones who care the least are often the ones who cause the most trouble in the end.Don't ever think your immuned because you are doing the right thing and are a good person.The law does not care about good people.They care about paperwork and money.Beware of the deadbeat siblings.

I am another one who will tell you to be specific. "I need Saturday to myself to fun errands for my family. If mom could spend just this one day at your home that would really help out." My mom still lives in her home, but no longer drives. I am the child that lives the closest. We do everything. The little home repairs. Driving her to church. Taking her for groceries. When it comes to her doctor's appointment (once a month with her shrink) I make her call one of my siblings and they must do it otherwise she has to spend her money on a cab. Less inheritance for all. If your mom is able, have her make the call and ask her kids to do something for her.

Don't try to change what you can't....but heed Tennessee's advice...

It depends on whether you have a mutual respectful relationship with your sibling and he or she values your opinion. If not, there is not much you can do unfortunately. Using threats only alienate them even more. Perhaps periodic phone calls (without any pressure) about the status of mom and how difficult it is for you without that help may over time soften the heart of your sibling. All the best!

well, you have two choices: one) you can take them to court/mediation center and ask the court to make them help you paying for her medical bills, medications, needs, etc. (second) you can go to social services(food stamps, public assistance) Social Security office, Aging Department and explain the your economical situation and ask them for help x your mother. definitively, they will help you out, believe me.

There were very good commets made I would only add has she been verbably abusive to any of them in the past that might be a reason everything is left for you to do this is probably not the case just a thought.

all of the comments were very helpful and all were considerate of our feelings except one. Thank you all. MOM is just dumped on us and everyone else feels that we are perfect for it and their lives are simply too busy. Even when we sent her for a vacation to one brother last year she was supposed to stay amonth...well that was a joke they sent her back in much sooner. We were hoping for some alone time.
Now my husband has to go in for a very serious spinal sugery in four days. I had to scramble to find someone to come in to stay with mother for four days (that is how long the doctor suspects he will be in the hospital four hours away)...it is so strssful I feel like the tearsw are always at the edge and I cry at the drop of a hat. It hurts that they don't offer to help. My husband won't ask.

Youknowvivian, we have a couple of assisted living in our small town that offers care on an as need basis if we need to leave town, get sick, ect. Please check in to some of those in your surrounding area. Good Luck to you.

VIVIAN:

The fact you call your brother/sister "sibling" indicates you're harboring some deep-seated resentment that has to do with a lot more than calling and offering financial assistance. It seems the only connection between you too is blood and the psychological friction caused by your need to hold him/her accountable.

That being the case, he/she isn't obligated to assist with the financial affairs of other adults within the family. And if the mother you're speaking about is actually your MIL, then that's where your husband -- who has apparently chosen to stand by the sidelines -- comes in.

Have you ever, without resorting to any type of recrimination, asked why your "sibling" is staying away from it all? You should, because there's a lot more to it than what you're sharing in this forum.

-- ED

I agree with Ed I know the last time I visited with my mother she has so many complaints to all of us esp. my nephews and myself and if she is like this with my brothers I do not blame them one bit for not called more often-elders can be very cruel and often think they are entilaled to be nasty ask them why they are not involved and if there is anyway they can give assistance they might provide funds so you can hire care or pay for help with house cleaning etc. at least you will know the reason they are not involved and I am sorry if my commet upset you if I was the one who was being refered about not being helpful.

There are 30 states having laws of "filial responsibility," stating (in varying degrees of seriousness) that the grown children are responsible for caring for their elderly parents. It is not often enforced, with Penn doing the most of it. It is often used by nursing homes to recoup expenses when the Medicaid route didn't work out for some reason. So google that term "filial responsibility laws" and you'll start getting some insight. I think these laws will be more enforced in the future.

I have two very evil deadbeat sisters, and one sister who reformed from a resentful deadbeat to one who is moderately sort of almost interested. She helps occasionally, but cannot help really cause of her disabilities.

I don't buy it that a sibling just isn't cut out for this. NO ONE is. You see the challenge and grow into it, you choose to make sacrifices. Every second, these deadbeats have the opportunities to turn their lives around and do the right thing. It's not just one decision, an "oh that's just the way I am" decision, it is ongoing second-upon-second.

It's like someone who decides to rob the 7/11 at midnight. There are many steps to getting a weapon, a dozen turns on the drive to the store, opening the car door, walking in the store, pretending to shop till the right moment, then confrontation and robbery, perhaps worse.

Deadbeat siblings are like that, ignoring you moment upon moment, abandoning your parent every second. It's not like one deadbeat sort of person, one event.

Oh, about that filial responsibility law, I thought that if the nursing homes (and I believe the states themselves) have the right to sue deadbeat sons/daughters...why can't the sole sibling caregiver sue the final estate for a fair share of the inheritance?

Wow, I hope that isn't a slippery slope when the government steps in a forces kids to take care of a parent. I understand having to take care of a child that you fathered/gave birth to, that is only right. But when 'big brother' steps in and tells kids they are now responsible for a parent that has no money.... I don't know if I agree with that one. That's a double edged sword,. someone is going to lose.

Although the law is on the books in 30 states, it is seldom used. And judges usually wave off children who have been abandoned, suffered abuse at hands of the parent, where the parent gambled or mismanaged their own funds, drug abuse, etc. And also that the grown children might be poverty stricken themselves.

However, in my case, I'd like to use the concept of this and "sue" the deadbeats for a greater share of my Mom's inheritance to help me of the financial hole I'm in because of the 8-years-and-counting of caregiving.

However, in an ironic twist of fate, wouldn't it be horrible if the state or nursing home came after ME to sue me for mom's additional expenses.

Sick people do not feel well,people who do not feel well are not a bowl of roses sometimes,add in a touch of dementia they can be down right hateful.It is different circumstances when one is old' grumpy and sick and one is a young healthly jerk.Some people have a natural compassion[THANK GOD]Some people are ME people.The Me people are not capable of caring for anyone;it is always about them and not the one in need.People who do not help out because someone has offended them are looking for an excuse and are downright wimpy.This is why the true caregivers stand out amongst the rest-they don't run when times get rough. Deadbeat siblings who don't contribute are ME people.

I have never heard of nursing homes going after the adult children to pay for the care of the elderly-the nursing home already get pensions, ss payments ,life insurances, investments, savings and any other assests the person has and then the home they lived in besides medicaide payments. The reason many elders are in bad shape money wise not all but many is their spending habits. Spouses are responsible for paying for nursing homes but not the children believe me nursing homes know how to get the money if elders try to hide the money by giving to their children within the look back period that is different-then the children are responsible to pay back the money,

The Filial REsponsibility laws kick in for totally indigent folks. A NH would of course put in their two bits of claim at the sale of the family home, and so forth.

In the articles I read about this, the judge would not go after the children if they themselves were poor, if the parent's poverty was due to gambling or unwise living, if the parent had abused or abandoned the child, etc. It's not totally insane. I have heard of some cases that put a lien on the grown children's house.

This is why I keep mentioning this law. it IS on the books in 30 states. I did not have the legal background to keep investigating this. Someone on the "healing storytellers list" finally cracked through for me a lot of words and links to research this (I was getting nowhere with terms like "caregiving traditions" and as traditional stories often have to do with abandonment, mean stepmothers, etc.) I asked that group and got on my way to real understanding, starting with the term "Filial." In Asian cultures, this parental caregiving is a tradition that is now starting the crack up. The eldest son and his wife move in with the parents and they care for the parents until they die. And they inherit the parents' home and estate. The other children take off to create their own lives from scratch, unincumbered. Of course daughters might end up with a No. 1 son, and have to care for HIS parents...not her own parents (unless she is eldest daughter, and probably unmarried.)

Google this specific term: AARP Filial responsibility

The top article is from AARP and has good background on history of the laws, moral obligation as seen through history, etc.

I keep mentioning this law because of all the stuck caregivers like myself who have no recourse to alter the terms of a will. My mother's will was drawn up long before the two sisters swept into her checking account, forged checks, lied about their conditions of paying back loans, etc. This forced me to ask for help (please someone take them to the principal's office and chew them out)...which resulted in awful result, the county suing for conservatorship and NOT even a mini lecture about their crimes.

I got stuck with 24/7 caregiving and they got the right to throw rocks and see their mother "as much as they want." Which is never. "Fine, if they want to have a relationship with their mother which is a thirty second phone call on mother's day [this year, not even that], then that is their RIGHT." And it is also their right to call me on the carpet and have me investigated, which they DID!

So, I've been moaning along that the Deadbeats have all these rights to throw stones from the sidelines if they sense something is amiss with Mom's care or the condition of the house. But the full implication of this law points otherwise. ALL children do have an obligation to care for their parents.

Finding this Filial Responsibility Law, applicable here in California, I am not thinking that the state will come after me should Mom have to dip into Medicaid (or somehow screw up the application process, so the NH is stuck with total care...this seems to be cases where the law is applied). I am thinking I can use the basis of this law to "sue" for more of Mom's inheritance, which is equally divided between the four sisters.

If Mom had known the financial scams that those sisters had pulled, and the torturing personality of one of them, she would have written them out of her will and forbade them to visit her property.

By the way, I heard if you want to officially write someone out of your will, you mention them in the will and give them $1. That way, it is obvious your intent to NOT give them much, You didn't just forget them, in which case they'd sue the estate for their rights as a living relative. (something I heard on radio program, not a legal eagle by any means)

The Filial Responsibility laws may also in some way imply rights the actual caregiver might have that we haven't even thought of. Some folks may have already used the laws in this way, or it may be new ground. I don't even know how I would sue for this, as a lawyer would cost tons. But maybe there is a probono lawyer arrangement out of some senior center.

Of course, someone could do a botched up job of suing and then set legal precedent that would be hard to overcome.

Knowing if your state has such a law might also be a good thing in your arsenal of dealing with deadbeat siblings.

Tennessee: You are one of the caregivers who got bulldozed by your siblings after you were sole caregiver for so many years; and when I research this filial responsibility stuff, I think of your example often.

Wow, this discussion really blew up. If family members want to help, they will help. How do you make them help, you can't. Look to social services and programs that can help your specific situation. I stand by my original answer which was NOTHING to the question, "My sibling refuses to call mom, offer financial assistance or relief for us. What can we do about this?" ....Tennessee added to document costs...simple as that....nagging , guilting, screaming and yelling are not helpful...good luck...and Vivian, if this helps, your situation is normal, it is very rare that everyone shares caregiving duties...

tennessee, that was beautifully said, right on the money!!! I still stand by my post describing my sister as not being cut out to caregive. In my neck of the woods, being or not being cut out to do something equals being or not being capable. She's weak, timid, can't cope under pressure, lives mainly for herself, etc. That is not being cut out to caregive. My dad on the other hand went to nursing school to be an RN after 21 yrs in the military. He was compassionate, caring, a people person, dedicated and lived for others. He was cut out to be a caregiver and he considered it an honor to help those in need. There's a big difference in not being cut out to caregive and not wanting to do it. Many caregivers on this site, NH employees, hospital staff - there are loads of people who are cut out to care for others.
I gave my sister a pass because the resentment and anger was eating me up inside. I had asked, begged, tried to embarrass and shame her but she couldn't step up, she even told me it was beyond what she could do. At least she was honest. So I accepted it, moved on and looked at it as having one less thing to worry about.

You can not make someone help if they can't or won't help and nursing homes know how to find the money-you very rarly hear of a nursing home closing due to lack of funds they just cut down on staff or serve cheaper food or cut down on activities usually the patients suffer but the nursing home continues that is why we have medicaide if the pt. has assests they have to be used first-that is why we need to save money-not for inheirtance but for our old age who suffers mostly is the well spouse or maybe not well but not in the nursing home-I was amazed by the medicaide application if my husband had been placed I would have been very poor=after many years of back-breaking caregiving and my health not being that great and he being a shopalcoholic and spending money like water- the nursing home would get his pension, ss, life insurance AND medicaide and my lile insurance would be counted againist me as an assest-we need to talk to anyone running for elected office to change things which I am doing.

Ed and Austin need to be more cautious about being judgmental to people who are breaking their backs and their banks trying to support their parents........speaking to people in that manner without facts and acting like psychiatrists is a rude and harsh. My wife does not deserve that and I resent it. Tim Davie

AMEN TO THAT,WELL SAID TIM.

Thank you Tennesse. I am leaving to get Surgery on my spine today, and my wife will go with me. We have had to find funds to have someone to come in to care for my mother. My wife still stresses over her care. When we return she will have both of us to tend to, hand and foot. bathing both of as. Cleaning up after mothers bathroom errors and serving her meals in her room three times a day etc. My brothers and sister know this. They are simply selfish. We are the ones who are not working because I am disabled.....so we seem the best candidates. SO P:LEASE ED AND AUSTIN and others who are so judgemental and talk before they know of what they speak.....keep your hurtful words to yourself. We have enough to deal with and we DO not deserve your "words of wisdom"! TIM