My sibling who is POA tells my parents' lawyer what to do. Any advice?
My parents go along with my Sister, who they did name as their POA. However, the law firm is a college friend of my Sis's, and they are not even in Elder Law--they are in Intellectual Property/Copyrights.
Is it legal for my Sister to be in cahouts (sp?) with the lawyer, tell the lawyer what she wants to have happen with my parents, and then the lawyer calls up my parents and says what is going to happen? And then my parents go along with all of this crap?
I am the local 24/7 child, the other siblings are all out of state (very far!) and they are all getting to live their own lives, basically, and do not have the constant caregiving duties that I do. So, yes, I am jealous, but looking at the Big Picture, I feel that my parents are not getting accurate or appropriate legal advice--from someone who is being swayed by the POA.
How can I reverse this situation.
Put that worry aside, because the cost of nursing homes means there won't be anything left to fight over. And forget trying to hide the assets or put them in someone else's name, that would only hurt Mom & Dad. Too many people here have given gifts to children only to find out that Medicaid frowns on early "inheritance", they demand the money be spent for care. " I want to leave the kids something" is foolish when you need 24/7 care. Pay for the Nursing Home first. You won't see me putting my house in a Trust. I expect all my assets to pay for my care. Call me selfish.
Since mom has a retail business background, I asked her, "What would you do if one of your employees was skimming money off the store?" And she looked really alarmed and said, "I would fire them outright!". I said, "Well, the way you have set up your POA, is sort of like an employment situation--you have (Sister) running all your financial affairs now and also after you die, yet Sis is regularly writing checks for her airfaire and hotel, and she really doesn't need to do that, she could just as well make phone calls and FAX the paperworks".
My mom was stunned. Once I put it to her in that framework, she got really serious, and asked me for advice. I suggested that we have her will, POA and Trust reviewed by an Elder Care Attorney (after showing her on my Ipad her currnet attorney is an IP/patent law firm). Her wheels were really turning.
I also suggested that it was very "un-equal" (again, the word "equal" has great meaning with her) that Sis could call up the current attorney and ask questions about how to be POA, and yet if I had questions, it would be my responsibility to pay an attorney to answere my questions.
My mom has agreed to meet with an actual ELDER CARE attorney. Perhaps the time is good right now, since Dad is really too far gone to make decisions, maybe Mom feels a certain freedom to act on her own.
I am guarded, but hopeful, that perhaps there can be some restoration of the family here. I do not know for sure, but at least I am hopeful. And that means a lot.
I'm still surprised that s/he's prepared to do this though. My cousin's ex-wife is my mother's lawyer, handled her will and - dammit - her Power of Attorney; but when it came to selling her old house and setting up a Deed of Trust for us all to buy this one together - no, she handed that straight to a colleague who specialised in real estate.
So. Do your homework on firms in your local area that specialise in Elder Law, and find one that has a good reputation - word of mouth is usually the best recommendation. Then speak to your mother and your sister together, and suggest that specialist advice from a local firm would be better for your parents. Your sister might not agree, but in that case she ought to explain why. Listen to her before you assume she has an ulterior motive - there could be good reasons for it: for example, if she lives a long way away and regularly needs to sign documents.
If your father's dementia is advanced, he cannot revoke the current POA because he will not have the capacity required to do that: your sister will remain as his POA. That being so, it doesn't make much sense for your mother to change hers either, because their property is likely to be intertwined and you'd end up with too many cooks spoiling the broth (not to mention big fat duplicate fees). I'm sorry, but what this means is that you probably can't "reverse the situation." However, that doesn't mean that you can't do anything about it at all.
Are there any decisions that have been made that you in fact have a problem with? Do you have any reason to question the quality of advice your parents have been given, or do you just have reservations about where it's really coming from?
Or… I wonder if what you're most unhappy about is, perhaps, that you're not being kept informed about your parents' legal and financial affairs? So: what do you want to know? And what's stopping you asking?
As long as everything that is being done is in your parents' best interests, one, and as far as possible is in line with what your parents want to happen, two; then your sister isn't doing anything wrong. But if you've got concerns about the decisions that are being made, please come back and add more details.
If the real issue is something else ... not being paid for caregiving, for example, or not having respite care, then address the real issue.
In any case, I suggest seeing an Elder Law attorney.
There were some minor fireworks (Sis was on conference call with the meeting) when my mom called her wrong for insisting her travel expenses paid out of mom's checking account. The elder care lawyer suggested that Sis be required to provide quarterly accounting to all involved and this seemed fine with mom/dad's lawyer.
The bigger question over who is the POA, Executor and Trustee has yet to be solved. But being prepared with copies of emails from Sis, showing how she has spent lots of our parents' money on her own travel (while essentially doing nothing that could not have been done over phone/email), and some other items I'll not disclose (where Sis failed to take action in timely fashion, costing parents tens of thousands of dollars). I'm not a financial guru but I do know a thing or two about how to make money last.
My mom still has some decisions to make regarding my Dad, and their own POA's, and one idea floated about (by my Elder Care lawyer) was to have a guardian appointed, which would require lots of hours of his work, but the idea appealed to my Mom, because she doesn't want Sis being in charge of things if something would happen to her (which is what would happen if Mom died tonight).
My elder care lawyer says he is hopeful we can come to a good resolution of the main issues. And I am so relieved I will not have the old motor home cluttering up my yard (we found a dealer who will buy it for about $18K and that solves a lot of problems).
Hmm. It's hard not to be a teeny bit wary of lawyers who think that the best solution is one that contributes nicely to their own incomes…
Listen, at least everybody is talking and thinking constructively. Hope it continues, best of luck, hugs.
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