My sibling is threatening to leave my dementia mom on my door step and trying to figure how if there is any legal action I can take to stop that from happening and what I should do in the event it does happen? Thanks for any help/advice as this is a pretty terrifying scenario for my immediate family.
What level of care does she need?
What are her health challenges aside from dementia?
If you all arectryingvto get her into a care facility, abandoning her at an ER is more effective than a siblings doorstep.
However, the sibling with the doorstep could call 911 and have parent taken to ER.
Jump to a year later and we are out of money. My mom is probably going to be discharged and my sister is planning to drop her off at my doorstep. My mom is 92, legally blind, has dementia and basically needs 7x24 care. Right now long term memory case is what she needs. I live in WI and I also do not have the money nor means to care for her in home.
Just trying to figure out my options and what I can do ? Thanks again for the quick responses.
Your answer to this can guide advice given here. There are many on this forum with some great knowledge in that area.
Maddogs: "Jump to a year later and we are out of money."
There have been a few siblings in the past on the forum, that took a parent from care (Basically kidnapped them), and spent all of the parents money (not only for the parent's care=elder abuse and fraud). Is there a dispute between you and your sister now?
In the year dementia Mom was gone, were you in touch, contributing financially to your sister for Mom's care?
If "WE" includes you, did you receive any of Mom's assets or funds if they were dispersed by your sister? (Medicaid gifting issues).
The threats are verbal, or by e-mail? If you are free and clear of being complicit of fraud and elder abuse, then you could see an attorney, and threaten back:
1) Abandonment of an elder is elder abuse.
2) Depleting financial assets of an elder is also elder abuse.
3) Not caring for an elder in your custody is neglect/elder abuse.
4) You will call APS on your Mom's behalf and report your sister.
Otherwise, inform your elder care specialist attorney that your goal is to get Mom care, and work with your sister on that goal.
Hope this helps you, and that you do not take it wrong because it was blunt.
Not accusing you of any wrong doing.
What did you do when Mom was basically 'kidnapped'?
Maybe the expensive AL has Memory Care and accepts Medicaid? Start there.
If this is the case I would now get together with the sibling and discuss placing mom in care. It sounds as though the sibling has just reaching her human limitation. Do tell her that she can send Mom to the ER, and refuse to take her back into her home; this will involve social workers in assisting with placement.
Is this sibling, I am assuming is taking care of Mom, also the POA? She would be acting negligently if so to put her Mom on anyone's doorstep if she is not competent in her own care.
I think what I am hearing here is desperation and a caregiver who is unable to go on any longer. Is this correct?
Pls keep in mind that the op is not just ‘anyone’— shes her sibling so she’s equally one of the adult children and should be doing her part to help. Bringing the mom to her daughters is definitely not the same as leaving her with ‘anyone’
communication is key. Have a meeting and call social services to find alternatives to care
Cwillie is right about the threat coming from a burnt out caregiver.
If the threat is accompanied with a demand for money to help, you need to STOP and rethink this slowly.
If your Mom was placed in a skilled nursing facility from the emergency room, and if that was near you....would you be able to give any type of caregiving assistance to your Mom? Visiting, handle her income, do errands, deal with the doctors?
Note: He who has the resources of her income (social security?) and the ear of her doctor might be the most likely to become the caregiver. You may need to proceed on your Mom's behalf without any involvement by your sister?
Do not send money, imo.
Sounds like each sister has been long-distance from Mom. Unless a person is willing, resourceful, and able, (as well as many other qualifications), caregiving should not be your role. Is there estrangement between you and your Mom? Keeping in mind there will be a whole lot you don't know if she is living any where in another state.
Keep in mind that she can be admitted to a facility "pending Medicaid".
There is so much we do not know here, but willing to listen.....
Don't send money?
If the sibling who has mom not only living in her house, but also is her 24/7 caregiver demands money, pay it.
When the threat to drop the elder off on your doorstep or an ER is made, take that seriously. It means the current caregiver has reached their limit and they will do it. It also means that the senior is living in a situation that could become if it's not already, high risk for elder abuse.
If they have demands, then meet them until other living/care arrangements have been made for the elder.
If no other family member is willing or able to take mom into their home and become her caregiver, she will have to get placement in a care facility. No one needs to do an ER dump just yet. That act is the last resort for a caregiver. It doesn't always have to come to that.
Arranging different care for mom or finding a care facility to accept her, will take some time. Plans have to be made, legal paperwork has to be done.
In the meantime dementia mom will still need a place to stay and someone to look after her 24 hours a day. If the family wants your caregiver sibling to continue doing this until the other care arrangements for mom come though, meet her demands (I say her because in a situation like yours the caregiver is almost always a her).
If your sibling demands money to keep mom at her house, then you pay it. Whatever amount she says within reason. Even if the whole family has to reach into their own pockets. Pay it.
If your sibling demands daily assistance with mom's care to allow her to continue staying in her house while other arrangements are made, then you and the rest of the family have to work that out and make sure it happens immediately.
Meet the caregiver sibling's demands or your dementia mom will be dropped off on your doorstep or in an ER.
Have a family meeting with your sibling.
Make other living/care arrangements for your mother together as a family.
Meet your siblings demands if she's willing to keep mom until the new living/care arrangements are put into place.
Good luck to you and your family.
If Mom is dropped on the doorstep a return to the facility or the ER is what needs to happen, then application to medicaid and placement in LTC where the squabbling family can visit her.
I imagine Mom gets some SS. But often women who did not work in their lifetimes end up with very little SS, unless widowed and able to receive husband's better amounts monthly. Apparently the caregiver feels that the "money is gone" and wants Mom gone now as well. So medicaid and placement is the answer if other siblings don't want to end up where this sibling is currently. With so few details this is about all I can come up with.
"My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta."
So sister has not been physically caring for Mom. Now the money is gone. Reason I said Medicaid should have been applied for at least 3 months prior to money running out.
Some really have such caring hearts & really believe it is the best way. But have no idea of the hardships until they DO it. Then call for help. Just a bit naive I suppose.
Some are deep in the F.O.G.
And some, sadly, will do whatever it takes to win! They aim for the 'Best Child' award. The 'I'm the best child because I'll break you outta there which shows I love you best! 🤮 Then try to bully all around to make their less than good plan work.
is badly needed! Don’t fight; work togethet’
Using counsel on aging I got the information I needed to get her started with SSI and Medicaid. I had to walk it through (much faster that way) but got it done. About a year later she had to be moved to a nursing home. Thank God it was also really nice and less than a mile from where I lived so I could check on her every day.
I loved my mother in law and for years we had her living with us with no problem. But when I came home from work and found her heating up a can of left over cat food (tuna) I knew she couldn't be left alone any more. I was blessed that I found places that would use only her income (at the time she had a tiny amount of SS) and were super nice.
It's interesting because even though I had no legal rights to my mom in law I was allowed to be in charge of everything for her and sign all the papers during each yearly check up with the care homes. She had a tiny amount of SS coming in and I think that made it easier to get her into assisted living to begin with. I know my husband was glad he didn't have to do it and was just glad to let me handle everything. He was working out of state so really couldn't help.
Sometimes when the other people in the family won't help you have to take steps such as forcing the issue like I had to. I was lucky. It worked for us.
You weren't just lucky - you made it happen. Well done. With good sense, love & relationships intact. Gold stars to you.
if you can’t help out with your mom, hire someone to stand in for your share of the work.
your sibling is desperate and burnt out ... what don’t you understand ??
you need work together and give your mother the help she needs.
Your kids will probably feel same about you as you’re quite an example ....
How involved are you with the care of your mom? Is your sister completely alone in this? The stress of making the decisions and physically taking on the move is a lot. Have you made a trip there to assess what your sister is dealing with and made any attempt to help? I would start there before putting the effort into legal council.
It's tragic how families can fall apart like this. We assume roles we never thought possible; the martyr, the misunderstood, the bankroller...
Your question is clear - can you stop it from happening. The answer is no, not by third party remedy. You can call the police when it happens but there's no turning back from that action. The chasm between you and your sister will become permanent and you'll be the 'bad guy' .
Only you know what your sister wants from you. A threat like this is a demand. What does she want from you?
If you want to share what that is, you might get some helpful feedback...
You and Sis are the only preventive measure. You're both in the wrong and you're both right. One of you doesn't say much, one of you goes on and on, and neither of you can listen.
But both of you are hurting. And I know how awful that is.
However, the fact that your sibling is threatening this action points out that something must change. It appears that your sibling is suffering burn out. Talk to this sibling and ask if he/she gets their basic needs met: 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep every day, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, "time off" to take care their own health needs, and "time off" to recharge their "batteries" doing fun activities with people they enjoy. I would guess that some of these areas are not being met. The answer is that more resources are needed:
1 - Respite care. Help your sibling arrange respite care for the parent so the sibling can have a "vacation" from caregiving. Many nursing homes and home health care agencies can provide resources for this.
2 - More help. Enlist the aid of other family members, friends, members of faith community and paid help to take on some caregiving duties so that your sibling can achieve a better balance between self care and caregiving.
3 - Full time residential care. In cases of progressive dementia, there comes a time when the person with dementia needs care 24/7/365. The usual clue that this time has come is when the caregiver is awakened throughout the night to meet needs. If this is the case, help your sibling by researching residential facilities in the area. Then, arrange time to talk about moving your parent to one of these facilities.
Offer to help her/him look for Memory Care facilities that will be in an area that is convenient for both of you. (if you both live in the same area)
If you live a distance from her/him you could offer to come and tour them together. Or support your sibling in the decision that is made when choosing one.
Tell your sibling that IF mom gets dumped on your doorstep you will be looking for Memory Care in your area. You are not going to be sole caregiver to mom.
IF there is the possibility that mom is being mistreated (I do not want to use the word abused) it is likely due to caregiver burnout there are resources your sibling can take advantage of.
Local Agency on Aging.
Hospice (by the way Medicare covers Respite care while a patient is on Hospice)
Hiring caregivers (paid for by moms assets)
Placing mom in Memory Care is not "giving up, or failing" it is recognizing that you can not do it all and that you need help safely caring for your loved one.
Safely by the way is not just your mom's safety but yours and your siblings. And it is not just physical safety it is mental, emotional safety.