Sister always has time to relieve her overwhelmed 36-year-old daughter-in-law with her kids, but not me with our 86-year-old homebound mother. I am the 24x7 caregiver while she babysits her grandchildren so her daughter-in-law can have a night out. What about me?
Surely, it would be wonderful if everyone pitched in. She is everyone’s mother. This isn’t usually how it ends up though. There can be a dozen children and the care generally falls on one person.
Actually, none of you are responsible for your mom’s full time care. Is it possible for her to be placed in a facility?
It’s disheartening for the caregiver. I get it. You deserve a break. Accept that your sister gets to choose how she wishes to live her life.
Hire outside help instead of asking your sister to help.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
You have assumed the responsibility to care for your mother, that was your choice.
The what about you is to make arrangements to place your mother in a home or hire in home caregivers, using your mother's money, not yours.
I am sorry that you are in this position however you do have other options.
The ball is in your court, might be time to make a hard decision for your mental & physical well-being.
Siblings should NOT expect anything of one another. Do what you feel compelled to do, and let the others do as they like. Complaining to a public forum isn’t going to get you anywhere.
You are correct but by saying that no one is obligated to care for a parent or even their spouse if they find that they are unable to either emotionally, physically or financially.
I was caring for my mom & my sibling had POA and when she started going downhill he stepped in going against everything against I was doing and demanding how he wanted things done.
I ended up telling him to do it himself & walked away.
Many folks complain about not getting help from sibs, however unless you've asked for a specific date/time and what you need, you have to understand that most people don't volunteer to help. Be specific and ask sis to do 'this or that' for mom. If there's the chance that sis already said she will NOT participate in mom's care, then you have to accept that. No amount of anger or angst on your part will change how sis feels about participating in the care.
Being a 24/7 caregiver is usually a personal choice. You don't have the heart to place mom in facility care, but other sibs see no problem with it. If this is the case for you, do the best you can. Don't burn your own energy to be angry with others. Use mom's money, if there is any, to pay for in home care to give you a break. Don't try to 'save' mom's money so there is inheritance at the end of her life. Her money is for her care, not for heirs to increase their own bank accts. Plus, if you think you're angry now, if mom has a will designating her estate to all kids equally (or if she has no will, her estate would definitely be split equally), you're going to be angry for the rest of your days when you did all the work and sis got same amount.
Start with specifically what you want sis to do. Ex: Take a week off in July. Give sis the dates and ask for her help. If she says no and has no plans to ever help you, then go to the financial part: Mom doesn't have the funds to pay for in home care and I desperately need a break. Can you pay for in-home care to cover a couple weeks per year for me so I can continue taking care of her? You can hire the help and come by to see how things are going while I'm gone. Or... there is a respite care facility near us that costs $XX per week...can you cover that?
Do not bring up the grandkids in your conversation.
What has she said to you?
I think that your sister may have decided to do what brings her the most joy while she is still able at the same time to give meaningful help to at least ONE side of the sandwich she's in the middle of. Many believe that our obligation to family is played forward/payed forward, giving care to our children, and our children to theirs.
We are all different. We all make our choices. And we really cannot change the choices of others. Only our own.
So do speak with her and tell her you know she is sandwiched between her mom and her daughter, but you wonder if you can expect any help from her going forward, and if so, WHAT help.
I would bet she will answer you.
And you will then have your own decisions to make about how long you can continue in care of your Mom.
I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I wish you well and hope you will tell me how your talk goes if you choose to have it.
I can relate - I stepped in to help my mom (as a support to my dad) and my brother did nothing useful other than weekly calls or visits every other month. It hurt my feelings that he never asked what he could do to help my parents, help me.
For those that say that YOU can make the same choice - ummm, it's not always that easy? I understand feeling a loyalty & interest in helping a parent that you love. But in the meantime, you're burnt to a crisp. We had an aid come in 3x/week for a few hours and yes it was expensive, but it probably saved our sanity. I strongly recommend having someone come in so you can get out and use your Mom's funds if she has them.
Otherwise, it might be worth considering a placement in AL or SNF. We did that with my Mom a month ago because she was so disabled, my father and I could not care for her. Now the heaviness of the caregiving duties has lifted -- she has a big team helping her. We still go in and visit her every day. It's heartbreaking, but life as a solitary caregiver is heartbreaking, backbreaking and may not be sustainable.
BTW - you also might ask your sister if she would be willing to relieve you or other specific things and see how she responds. If you don't ask, it's clear she won't offer it. If she says no, so be it but at least you know exactly where you stand!
Sending strength! Please get the help you need as soon as possible.
See All Answers