What should be done for siblings that exploit elderly parents who are now suffering from memory loss?

I would enlist the advice of an elder law attorney BEFORE pulling in Adult Protective Services. My reasoning is that APS will show up reasonably quickly, giving the evil-doer a heads up that their actions will be going under the microscope. This will give them more time to fudge and rearrange records before legal action occurs. Sometimes APS can muddy the waters. A local elder law attorney will know about how APS operates in your area - there are wide variations in APS practices from one jurisdiction to another. I'm so sorry this is part of your family's story, but we have to face reality. Run, don't walk, it's time to lawyer up! - The Dementia Nurse

Often exclusion in a family is simply the choice of the parent. That choice might be do to who's most responsible, who has caused them the least amount of grief over their years, to who even might have the nicer home for them to stay in, lots of different possibilities. It's easy for distraught, confused, angry or even bitter siblings to bicker over it all. It is the most common problem in elder care, fighting children. Parents make choices that are difficult for themselves and others in their senior years, but it is their choice, in the end they have to choose between their children who they trust to do what they want. There are a lot of winding legal issues in elder care and property as well that are not taken into consideration by people who are unaware of the legalities of it all.

1. POA can only be assigned by an attorney who works with the elder. The assigned POA has no say in the POA assignment. The parent and attorney chooses.
2. Wills can only be done by an attorney who works with the elder. Children have no say in the written will.
3. Attorney's will tell the caregiver or the parent's POA to take in all personal property to take an accounting of it, especially when there are other children fighting over it. The first reason for this is and this is shocking, until that parent has passed, their personal property still belongs to that parent. It is the responsibility of the assigned POA/Caregiver to protect that property from others who will take it as well as dispose of any property as the parent wishes, that might be a garage sale or estate sale even. Just because a parent is in care, does not mean everyone divides up their stuff. But a POA might be forced to gather it all to protect it if siblings are fighting over property.
4. Children cannot have a home signed over to them, even with a POA. But it would be easy for someone who's not in the legal field to make that assumption, and of course if that assumption were made, then of course the POA must have taken everything else too, right.... First consider if the home is even paid off or not, if it's not then someone has to pay that mortgage, so who's paying it? Lots of things to consider over all. Also if a parent is in nursing care and they have a home, Medicare will only pay for nursing care for a very limited time, after that you have to pay out of pocket, if you can't pay out of pocket for nursing home care, and you own property, you have to liquidate everything to qualify for Medicaid to pay for nursing home care. Just a note. Said sibling might be actually preserving the family estate.
5. Insurance has to be used to pay for final expenses, and if several siblings are bickering over that money because they want it, then how will those final expenses be paid? Some times someone has to just simply stand their ground to do what's right, gather everything up and protect it. Especially caregivers and POA's, who surely will be hit with a final expense bill if there is no insurance.
6. Elder care and abuse. Nursing homes are often horrid, and they run that way. Home care is a blessing often in comparison. State inspectors have seen it all, if they are called more than once on an obviously good situation in a home for an elder, they can press charges over anyone who makes false accusations and continues to call them.
7. Realigning in a proper manner with your brother or sister, might help, have a calm family meeting might help.

Overall if you have a sibling who is taking care of everything logically, calmly and legally, be grateful for them. They'd probably appreciate it.

Whoever is taking care of them deserves a lot--they gave up their entire life for the aging parents if they are that bad off. If you put them in a nursing home, the institution will take everything anyway. Of course it's impossible to know all the particulars with this post--but a double room (not private) nursing home costs about $86,000 a year in exchange for horrible care and believe me they will go through a person's life savings full amount before they can go on Medicaid. Usually family who do not participate with the care of their parents and expect a sibling to do it all has no concept what they go through but expect all the money.

Expose him for who he truly is and have him held accountable for it. I am going through a similar experience with 2 of my trifling sisters who were appointed our 93 year old mom's co-conservators through lies, false allegations and manipulations. They played the numbers game to the Probate judge and he fell for it. Have a face to face meeting with an Elder Law attorney.

It is best to have one competent and honest child as executor and power of attorney. If not available, or this scenerio has happened as described above, an elder law attorney will have to help you. The parents doctors will have to determine competence and appointment can be recorded with attorney's help. The prior will and other documents may be valid but judge must determine. If grandchildren are a concern with a dishonest child of parents as executor, an Irrevocable Life Insurance Trust with the help of an attorney can protect inheiritance that parents wish grandchildren to have. Much depends on how will is written.

But I thought poa doesn't have control over things like who can visit. Just like poa can't force them to move

that was lawyer

Amen.

Actually, I just went through all the steps to make my layer and bank the POA.

My daughter and her children will inherit--what I leave them.

Not what she takes.

Sad, but...

This way the grandchildren are protected and money will be used in rational manner. for "life-launching" expenses.

I am also going through this same horror story. I miss my dad so much. We always had contact, discussing what did you have for dinner, to what plans do you have next week, to taking him out to play golf, having him for special occasion dinners. Now no contact at all. Big brother has all control and telling my dad lies about the other siblings. Its so sad. It has totally devasted me i am now in professional help, and unable to work. So many i hear are in this same situation. I wish you luck. Lawyers haven't helped. My brother just uses this as fuel to feed the fire. Like i said, he has told lies to my dad and tells him things such as; the other siblings are out to get me , so dad you cant have contact with them. Im so afraid of going public because of what more damage my brother will do. My dad is isolated in a retirement home. No phone, no contact with siblings or any relatives. I was forced off the property while visiting with my dad. They were going to call the police. My dad looked very sad that i had to leave and shocked, but it was as per my brothers request and he (my dad) had no say, or has no say in whom he wishes to visit him.

Yes, big brother is the only POA. Please sign atleast 2 people to be your POA; and they even state 2 people who dont get along.

My brother cleared out my dads home and i have none of the family heirlooms including photos of us growing up, no photos of my mom who passed away years ago.

One clue that i didnt act on, but it may of been to late even then, is my dad said to me he was told not to trust me. This was years ago. I told my dad then that i may be the only most trustworthy person he may know. I really wish he had listened to me then as i only want the best for my dad, not isolation which he has now. I want my dad involved in all of our lives, including relatives and friends, in his last years.

Like i said earlier this is now happening to many others. I am not alone. I hope you will find a solution.

This is why parents should never put one child in charge of or access to their accounts. It is best to have a non-relative in charge of being POA. It may cost you some money, but avoids the long list of problems that occur between siblings over finances or health decisions.

My situation became completely out of hand! I would never recommend or consider making just one person in charge without someone else to monitor resources. Two people to sign transactions, etc. Sometimes even the most honest are swayed by someone else. And even if there are two, both coyld be in cahoots. What is the solution? Who the heck knows.

Sounds as if the parents have significant resources. Contact Adult Protective Services and they need an elder law attorney to assist them in preparing documents. Are they competent? They can setup their estate any way they choose, and if they are concerned about this child, they can have a second person or even a third to oversee the parent's resources and keep an eye on him.

Where do you fit into this story?

POA can only be done when the parent(s) are cognizant. otherwise it has to be court appointed.

I would call adult protective services in your county and an Elder Law Attorney.

An elder care lawyer should be contacted.