My 3 sisters had nothing much to do with Daddy from the time they left home. Maybe saw him every couple of years. When Daddy got sick I took him in and took care of him for 8 years.He had Alzeimers. He had already made me his power of attorney back wheen Momma died and the executor of his will. They didn't like this when they found out about it - and they didn't visit him or me a single time in the whole 8 years.
Daddy died in August. They cam to the funeral but didn't speak to me. I went to court and filed the papers, but they said since the money was in a account with all of our names me and daddy and my sisters, on it it didn't have to 'go through probate. So I sent them a letter telling them how much money they were going to get from the inheritance once I paid all the final bills It was share and share alike so we all get a 1/4. Now they are all calling and saying there should have been more money becaue daddy trold them he had a big CD 20 years ago, and they want me to show them all the money I spent in the last 8 years.
I could go to the bank and get copies of the statements for 8 years i guess, because i don't have every receipt anymore. But do i have to? I haven't done anything wrong but they are making me feel like I am a thief. After staying out of daddys life all these years and not giving a hoot about him or when he was in the hospital or dying. Do they have any right to make me do this?
I'm so sorry to hear what is happening with your brother. Its so sad.
I was the one that cared for my dad. My parents made me responsible from a young age. Financially I had to contribute to their care, so there is not a lot of money left. My dad had an insurance policy. It was not a lot but enough to pay for his funeral. Luckily none of the siblings have demanded money from me. They all agreed I had most of the burden. I guess I can be grateful they have not asked me to leave the house I grew up in. It is the one asset that hasn't been sold yet.
But, of course, that is a drastic step which you may not be prepared to take (I mean this sympathetically - reporting your sister in this way would be at the hard-nosed end of the scale).
As a compromise, you could write down the kind of incidents that have been reported to you and ask her to explain them. Or you could take the details to a specialist elder care lawyer and seek advice.
It isn't okay for your sister to abuse her POA. It is reasonable for you to ask for reassurances that your parents', now your father's, finances and care are being properly managed. The grey area that started this thread is about caregivers under pressure being suspected and badgered by uninvolved family members; that doesn't mean we're not sympathetic to your concerns, too.
When my mother was moved out to CA from MN - my brother and my middle sister kept telling her that the place she was placed in was bad and she deserved better and they would break her out of this place. My mother was tested as having advancing stage of Dementia and barely passed to be in an apartment over being placed in memory care. There were 4 of us to help her in this place along with her two grandchildren. My brother called the place and my oldest sister and told her my mom was being moved after only two months in the place and my dad just dying two months before that. He then went to an attorney in the area where he found a home to rent and had the POA revocation through and attorney saying my mother was totally coherent and knew what she was doing at the time!
He then refuses to move her closer in where she can be involved in her other children and grandchildren's lives. So we have to drive 1.5Hours one way to see her. I went up to visit her at least 3 times a month only to find that she was losing weight and said how lonely she was and missed us. He then a year later moves her to another house large then the first one and she gets lost in her huge walk in closet! She cried that she did not want to move there. We are at odds in what to do- He has not shown us any accounting of how he is spending her money- we told him she needs bath care, dressing herself. He decided to let her fumble for over an hour to get dressed and she now has another infection due to poor hygiene. It seems you may be upset that your sibling are asking for an accounting of what and how you are spending her money- put your feet into our shoes-
Minnesota a POA has to give quarterly accounting to any surviving siblings. IN CA - we have no rights to help protect her and make sure he is not using the money for his own benefit. When you take on being a POA and you have other siblings alive- they should know what is happening!
If you need a lawyer to settle any estate, I would charge that to his estate. Good luck.
If you want to put an end to this, ask the attorney who drafted the POA or the caregiver contract about confidentiality and privilege. You served your father, and there's an expectation of confidentiality in performing duties pursuant to a POA. There may even be a specific confidentiality clause in the POA.
Assuming your attorney concurs, you might spring for the cost of asking him/her to write a letter to the quarreling sibs and advise them that all transactions are confidential and privileged and they're not entitled to any copies of anything.
One of the benefits of this is that you're on record of addressing their complaints, and they've been notified they have no cause of action. If they do try to sue (which seems to be a fairly universal threat when someone's mad), you can produce the letter advising them of no cause of action, and send a copy to their attorneys if they get any.
Take care,
Carol
Makes me glad I'm the only surviving child. Before my brother died he lived closer to mom than I did and did nothing. I presume there's nobody who can step up and try to get nitpicky since I am the only heir. Not that it would matter...mom isn't wealthy, I work and we're certainly not living high off the hog. What she had to begin with wouldn't have covered 6 mos in AL.
I vote to sit back and watch them spin their wheels. Priceless.
I'm assuming he had a valid will and you are the person named executor in his will, if so then you are in charge and just too bad for your sisters as your dad chose & entrusted you for this final responsibility. It sounds like you're the executrix, correct?
If you have "opened" (file the will, determine it's valid and be named executor) probate, then they might contest your being executrix. But they have to go to court for the publicized in the newspaper hearing &/or time-frame to contest the will or place their claim on the assets. Talking ugly about you does squat - they have to go to probate court. But that is HIGHLY UNLIKELY to be successful as he chose you and your caring for him for the past 8 years reinforces the soundness of his judgement in selection you. I've been executrix twice and will say the probate judges are very savvy and see in their court the worst of family interdynamics so they will see through your sisters.
However if they actually get an attorney (which I doubt), then you will need to man up and get a elder care law attorney who also does probate. To begin your search for the best lawyer for the job, contact the local bar association and ask whether it has a lawyer referral service that includes those who specialize in elder law &/or probate. You can also contact the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys for a referral to its members in your area.
IMHO they are sneaky with the "doesn't need to go thru probate" routine - this is all about not having $$ reported and a papertrail created. Probate is open court and everything out of it (except maybe some adoption issues) is public record. Perchance do the sisters owe money, or are in tough financial /social situations?
If they persist with all this and If you think this is a bluff then call their bluff. Tell them they can file documents to either supporting or contesting the named in the will executor/ix (you). BUT TELL THEM you will ask the court for whomever contests to provide to the court their & your spouse personal and financial data that is entered into public record and X their names for police records in order to show why they are more suitable and should be named executor/ix. That should end the matter.
How fortunate for your dad you were there for him. Good luck
When a person lives with their mom or dad and takes care of them 24/7 for almost a decade, I'd guess those who have every receipt and every cancelled check would be few. And in this day of doing banking electronically especially if it is long distance, I don't have the bank statements. But this I know: If someone went and got all the bank statements form the last 8 yrs and looked at them there is nothing there that would raise an eyebrow. I never shopped anywhere by WM the grocery store and online for supplys and I have the receipts for stuff I got online. I never took cash except to pay for a rare sitter, and I cartainly haven't hidden any CD's anywhere I guess bank records would show where threse 30 year old CD's they were squawking about went into the joint account that was kept in all our names.
So I guess the question is why they would attack me and make me feel like I had done something wrong. And why I would react so strongly to being attacked when I've done nothing wrong? It makes my heart race when I think about it. I guess hating on me, rather than loving their dad, is something they must find satisfying,
And to this day she will say she was the ONLY one that took care of him... I don't even argue with her... I know what I did and didn't do, do not owe HER an explanation...... Inheritance, sure brings out the worst in people, but you are doing the right thing for yourself... them calling you a theif certainly doesn't make you one...... when they see how much it is going to cost them, I doubt they will persue going to court..... sounds like they got a very fair deal when they never helped.....the greatest thing about this whole deal is YOU!!!! You did what you felt was right, took care of your dad, and they can figure out the rest for themselves... good luck and prayers for you....
Like your sisters, my mother circled around like a vulture until Dad passed away. Instead of "How is he doing?," "How are you holding up?," and "If there's anything I can do, call me," she said "Is that #!(* dead yet? ... I want what's mine."
They split when I was 3 1/2. We lived on W. 22nd St. in Manhattan. At her insistence, he took me to Brazil; where I grew up until the age of 19. She moved back to Puerto Rico w/ my 4 sisters to live in a hovel w/o utilities. None of my sisters finished school, as she taught them the fastest way to live on the lap of luxury was to find old men with money. Bank accounts depleted, they moved to their next target. For the first 5 years after their divorce, he sent money orders for child support. She returned them w/ nasty notes written on toilet paper. "MY daughters don't need charity," "I don't need a man to survive," "Shove the m/o up your ..." So he stopped. But kept copies of the money orders as well as the notes In case my sisters would ask about it someday.
I brought him to NYC to spend his last days w/ me and my sons. My sisters, who also live here and have made a career out of Welfare & SSI/SSD, never bothered to come by. I visited them once to let them know about his status and request assistance, but all they talked about was the poverty they went through because of Daddy. I showed them the money orders and notes. They dropped their dentures, then said they believed Mom. I told them he instructed me to give each one of them the $ he put into 4 savings accounts ($20+K each). They blew the $ in less than a month and called me to get more because they KNEW there was more somewhere and I didn't want to give it to them or spent it all on myself.
I gave them all the bank records: each account opened w/ $1,000USD, and deposits of $300 every month, no withdrawals, and the closing balance. They talked about selling property, valuables, etc.. I explained the only thing they're entitled to was the $ (child support) in the accounts, which is a lot more than my other 18 half-brothers/sisters in Brazil got. As to the property, they're more than welcome to fly down to the middle of the Amazon at their own expense and spend some time with us. They asked for roundtrip plane tickets.
To make a long story short: send them the bank statements along w/ their share. If that isn't enough -- which will never be because they've labeled you a "thief" for life -- they can always take you to court. It seems that tearing you down after they neglected your Dad over 8 years is the only way they can live with their conscience and guilt. You have nothing to hide. Let them sue you, and invite the rest of the family to the court proceedings so they can see with their own eyes what vultures really look like.
Take care of yourself and try to get this behind you,
Carol