I am POA for my Dad who we’ve just moved to Assisted Living. As his POA I am selling his house to help fund his living expenses. I have been giving my siblings updates on how the House situation is going via e-mail because we are scattered across the country. My brothers and sister ganged up on me in a recent phone call. They didn’t feel like I should fix things on the house to sell it and that I should not organize and clean out drawers and cabinets. They said to not TOUCH any of their stuff. I told them I was separating things into boxes with each of their names on them so they could go through when the house sells and that I wasn’t throwing anything of theirs away. They want to come after it sells in July and go through everything then. My brother actually said “your POA don’t mean sh—t”. From what I understand about a POA, I don’t have to tell them anything about what I’m doing. It is between me and my Father. I am thinking of hiring a mediator or lawyer to be there when me and my siblings choose the remaining items. My brother has anger and authority issues and I’m sure he is mad that he wasn’t named POA. I am tired of him challenging every decision I make. Is it ok to stop sharing information and just tell him to back off?
If you do not understand what the rules are in being a fiduciary as a POA you should attend an attorney to be informed. It is a LEGAL obligation you cannot afford to get wrong. Keep meticulous records of every single penny in and every single penny out to start with. Your document allows that you are able to pay for expert advice. Please get it.
Just do what u need to do.
Jealousy can ruin relationships. No doubt, they aren’t in your corner, offering their support. I realize that it would be nice to have their support. I’m sure their behavior is causing additional stress for you.
You know what needs to be done in order to secure care for your dad. You do not need their permission or approval.
Respect goes both ways. You have shown them respect. They have not returned it. I’m so sorry.
Just continue to care of what is needed.
Inform them when they can come to pick up their belongings or if they need to have them shipped out to them.
Keep doing what you want to do with what your father wants and if you have too put things in storage that belongs to them the rest sell for him to be in his place he is now.
Prayers
Yes, there were some battles that I had to face, but I kept my cool, not letting anyone sabotage what I knew had to be done.
Keep your resolve do what is best for your father, it is just greed coming out, that is usually what happens, it is not about what is best for the LO.
Yes, move forward, you have no legal responsibility to tell your brother anything.
Good Luck!
They are unlikely to understand, but that’s why you were selected to be POA. Don’t worry about them, you’re doing what you need to do. A tidy, cleaned up home will sell better and get more viewings than one that looks like work needs to be done by the new owners. And frankly, it’s not their call to make.
An opinion is like an a******...everybody has one! You're not going to get the most money out of the house if it's not cleaned up, in good working condition and uncluttered. It's not like you're remodeling the kitchen. If there is a big ticket item that needs repair or replaced, your realtor can advise you if it makes sense to sell the house "as is" or fix it.
Don't bother with a mediator...just tell your siblings to help or bug off.
I see 3 options:
1) The siblings don’t respect your decision making while you’re doing the mental and physical heavy lifting so they do little but criticize.
2) You’re being a bit of a jerk because you know best. “I am POA… It is between me and my father” but you don’t mention dad is involved (ergo it’s you making unilateral decisions).
3) both 1 and 2Do you offer them opportunities to be involved or have input in closing down a major part their dad’s life and identity (stuff = identity)?
Did they get to voice an opinion about dad’s care or did you just override them with I know what’s best? Are they all talk but unwilling to do the work to make a house market ready? Do they want general input or to micromanage? are you informing or discussing?
So I agree with you in getting things boxed up and out into storage or other location so it can be picked through later.
You might even want to get a few market appraisals the way the house is now and then ask the realtors what the difference would be if the house is cleared out and "some repairs made" I would not put a lot of money into renovations though.
Second...You do not mention if your dad is not competent or not to make decisions. So I am wondering if your POA is in effect. (depends on how it is worded and what your dad wants)
If the POA is in effect you could have the attorney write a "tactful" letter to all the siblings giving them the rundown on the legal authority that you do have.
Had the possessions been so important to the siblings to not want them touched, then they should have moved them to their own spaces years ago. Having said those somewhat harsh words, the POA did the right thing by making sure individual possessions were boxed up and marked in an attempt to maintain sibling relationships..and do the right thing. Since July is mentioned, it sounds like the house may be in escrow and will close in July. It is not like the siblings haven't had a chance to pick them up as the POA kept them apprised of the progress of the house sale. It is a big job trying to clean up a parents house for sale and plan for removal of the remaining items before closing. The siblings should be thankful that the POA did the bulk of the work. And it is up to the POA with consultation with his dad (if he is able to) plan the final disbursement of items whether it is through donation, dumping, disbursing to the siblings with or without a mediator, and/or selling to provide more funds for the AL expenses.
Sorry to say it but your whole "call the police" thing is garbage as it is the dad's house and the POA has legal authority to enter it, handle the sale of the house and the possessions if he wants. It is not a situation for police action. The sibling cannot claim theft of something that was not in his possession or where he had no contractual secured storage agreement.
A POA has a fiduciary duty which means that he should track on income, expenses, asset dispositions, and anything financial but I've never heard of a POA having to give a report to the beneficiaries on an annual basis. If he were conservator, which he is not, he would have a responsibility to make a report to the court only on an annual basis. But his dad has given him the authority of POA and unless there is something in the POA to require reporting to specific people or a state law that requires it, he only has the fiduciary responsibility to his dad, not the beneficiaries.
Perhaps some of this depends on how the Will is written up - who gets what ... who has decision-making to determine how to empty the house / contents.
When we need our family's unity the most, sometimes these situations occur, which is extremely unfortunate.
I am sad that you are going through this. Gena / Touch Matters
https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/what-is-a-power-of-attorney-poa-en-1149/
An Elder Law Attorney can sort through it all, so YOU can decide what YOU want to do. You might want to consider instructing your siblings to get their own attorneys to communicate with your attorney.
I put all of my mother's belongings in storage and gave both brothers a time period to come and take whatever they wanted, then I gave the remaining items to my youngest brother to sell and get some money for a deposit on a small home. There was nothing left to say and all suspicions (if there were any) were assuaged.
It may be helpful for all to also respect that each person involved,your father, you, other siblings etc are all grieving and this brings with it anger, trust issues, denial issues and a host of other emotional dynamics that impact communication. Also past history of relationships affect the present now...
Get some support for yourself, via Elder Law input and grief/ emotional support via chaplain, faith leader, other community or faith based support systems for primary caregivers ( like you). Suggest that other family members do likewise.
I am POA for my mother and at first shared everything with my brother. It was time consuming and didn't improve our relationship or any caregiving for my mother, so I stopped. One of the hardest tasks was clearing out her apartment when she went into care as there was so many belongings. My brother wanted to go through everything, including multiple boxes of photos. We didn't have the luxury of time so I ended up just boxing everything and giving him a timeline to go through it. Anything that couldn't be reviewed during that time, was trashed or donated.
My solution was to give him a timeline of activity and what would happen at each stage. I only included details he needed, such as dates the movers and cleaners would be there, move-out and date everything would be trashed/donated (unless asset/item outlined in the will). I didn't chase him or give him any other details. I didn't ask him for approval of expenses but did give him the overall spend. I now just send a quarterly expense report.
Do any of them want to buy dad's house as is? If yes, you MUST sell at current overall appraisal value based on condition - hire a real estate person to do it so you have a record. I tell you this because if dad outlives the money from sale of home and other savings he has and ends up in NH needing Medicaid to help with cost of his bed, selling below value creates a penalty where Medicaid/state will not pay XX number of months for the NH. Giving any of the money away from sale of house or from his other assets will create the same problem.
It's not their business about repairs you make in order to get house ready to sell. Net, after repairs and cost to sell, should go into a bank account for dad's AL and future medical needs. If dad passes away and there's still cash or other assets leftover -that's when the list of heirs and/or a Will come in to play. Dad spends his money on himself first and others get the leftovers later on.
Don't get them riled with updates or give them reason to come up with argument with you. Just let them know when it's time to come get their stuff. And, for your brother, tell him he can consult and pay for an atty to get educated about POA if he brings it up again.
I'd sell everything you can, then set a deadline for them to come pick up what they'd like from what remains.
And no, if they're going to behave the way they are so far, I wouldn't keep them updated on anything. You are Dad's financial representative, and you wouldn't discuss his finances with others any other time, would you?
I was POA for my mother and kept my brother updated on the general things in her life, but he also wasn't a jackass about it. He did ask for an advance on his inheritance and I shut that down immediately, because Mom's money was for her upkeep, not to pay for his divorce. He took it well and figured out his financial issues on his own. The same goes for your brother.