My mom suffered a debilitating stroke almost 3 years ago, after a family meeting(9 of us) most of us thought a nursing home would be best, due to most of us working and a few from out of state, my dad left my mom financially stable and we believed she would get the best care, my younger siblings did not agree, my mom has always taken care of them financially and they did not want to lose access to the money, however, we made the arrangements and had my mom put in a remarkable place, she has been there for over a year and a half and doing well, she has gained weight and has a good relationship with the 8 other residents in her house, I was going everyday and having lunch with her and reading the paper, and the visits were nice most of the time, she had good and bad days and this was to be expected, my younger siblings would not visit her at first because they were angry her money was being used for the Nursing Home, they started coming around, however, they have told her I have all her money and personal items and got rid of everything! I am POA and I have to account for every dime for Social Security, etc. and as far as her personal things, she has most of her things in her room and whatever was left is in storage containers in my basement, the last few weeks while I was visiting with my mom she accused me of taking everything, even things that were still in her room, there was no reasoning with her, and the visits got more nasty, the last time I was there she told me that my brother told her I stole a baseball......she proceeded to call me all kinds of names and told me to get out and never come back! I am upset that my mom feels this way and I know her mind is not sharp and sometimes does not realized what she is saying is so hurtful, I am more upset that my siblings could be so evil, all because the money is no longer at their disposal. I am fortunate to have some siblings who back me and are aware of the situation, my mom is alright with them. I have not been back to visit in over two weeks, I don't want her getting all upset and anxious and there is another part of me that just want to call my siblings and raise some issues and yet that seems fruitless.
"Mom, what they're telling you is not true. And if your brain weren't tricking you? You'd know that and wouldn't believe it. You know I love you. You know I'd NEVER do one little thing that wasn't in your best interests. That's why you decided I should have your power of attorney!"
Have her checkbook with you and go thru it item by item with her for the past number of months. Explain to her that your siblings are trying to make trouble because they don't want HER money to be spent taking care of HER. They want it saved so THEY can have it when she dies.
"Mom, I have nothing to hide. Everything I've done with your money has been for your own best interests. If you want me to get an attorney or CPA to verify that that's the truth, I will do it tomorrow."
On the down-low, use some of your mom's money to consult with an elder law attorney, telling him/her about this situation with your siblings and asking what you need to do to protect yourself from an end run. It may be that going for guardianship is the answer.
I would be concerned they were going to do that very same thing to you. Money is a powerful motive for selfishness. Watch your back.
I like the idea of making a very itemized list of all of Mom's income and expenses. Once your list is as accurate as you can make it, and you have evidence that can stand up in a court of law, call a family meeting with all your siblings. you know your siblings better than we do. I suggest either sending them a copy of the financial statement prior to or giving each one of them a copy at the meeting. Make no accusations or insinuations or even any suggestions, to anyone, about your siblings suspected of lying. I would even suggest a recording device for your meeting. I imagine that any siblings who have something to hide will somehow give themselves away.
1. Draw up a full account of your mother's finances over as many years and going in to as much detail as you think appropriate. You could consider also including an inventory of key family possessions, if you like.
2. Copy those accounts to all of your siblings.
3. Write to the mischief-making siblings pointing out that their accusations of financial impropriety are wrong; that they can see for themselves where they are wrong by referring to the account you've sent them; and that if they continue to make those accusations they are slandering you.
Try to do this calmly and patiently, and then with a bit of luck it should stop their silly mouths a bit.
Then that just leaves your mother. What she's saying to you must be very hurtful, but I doubt that it's all really the result of anything her sillier children have been saying. If her brain functions are getting poor, then her thoughts will be muddled and her feelings overheated, and she's verbally lashing out. It's horrible, and I agree with you that the worst of it for you is thinking that she might believe what she's saying.
Don't stop going to see her. Visit as you are in the habit of doing, and continue to reassure her as well as you can. There are good tips on the forum for deflecting and distracting people by changing the subject, introducing new activities or whatever. I really hope that you'll find that once you've got her mind onto happier subjects, this horribly hurtful phase will pass. Best of luck.
If these upsetting siblings change the POA and get on her bank accounts, they could drain her accounts and then the "remarkable place" your Mom is now in (which I assume is a private pay assisted living place) would no longer accept her if they are not getting paid. She would then have to been moved to a perhaps "not so nice" nursing home and things could get markedly worse for your Mom.
Nip the upsetting siblings "drama" in the bud and tell your Mom (if she can understand) that you and your siblings (who are supporting your care of your Mom) are making sure she is well taken care of and you will have none of that negative talk about her stealing her stuff.
Also have your siblings that agree with you speak with the upsetting siblings and tell them to back off! This is not about you but about the care of your Mom and it sounds as though you are doing the very best for her. You have kept excellent records and there is nothing you should fear from "authorities" should they inquire about accountability.
Again, do not remove yourself from this situation and let your upsetting siblings take over (which they will if what you say is true and they want her money) unless you are prepared to walk away from your Mom's care. Again, she made you POA because she trusted you to look out for her interests.
So, I just don't believe everything that Mother says. She misconstrues everything. Are you certain that your siblings really said all of this?
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