I know she hurts over it, but she won't say anything. She's lived with me since my dad got sick with Alzheimer's, they both did. My dad passed away 2 1/2 years ago. They were each other's world, together 56 years. Her sadness is so hard to watch, and I feel guilty that I can't do anything to make her feel any better. I've developed such a resentment toward my siblings because of their "duty visits" which are never more than half an hour, every week or so (except one brother, who stays longer) and disdain for them because of their selfishness. I love her so much and I don't understand why they don't want to spend time with her. How do I deal with this?
Most of us have found that short visits are better for dementia patients.
If your mom's predominant mood since your dad's death is sadness that still is evident after 2 1/2 years, she should been by a geriatric psychiatrist. She may be depressed.
Are you wanting help or respite from your siblings? Then ask for it. " i need someone to dtay with kom for two hours twice a week so i can do grocery shopping and get to the gym".
Let me ask you: what would you like them to do? What types of visits would make Mom happy? Maybe you could suggest some type of get-together to them, based on your Mom's interests and her capabilities. They may not know how to structure a longer visit in a way that would work for Mom. Would she like to be invited to their homes for a meal? Taken out for a spa day or museum visit? You would probably know best, but they might appreciate a few tips.
From my perspective, your siblings are doing well to visit for half an hour once a week or so. My siblings don't even call our mother. It's true she's not a sparkling conversationalist, and they've gradually adopted the idea that if something goes wrong, somebody will call them, and until then, they can just go on with their lives. Out of sight, out of mind. I'm sure my mother would like more attention, but it is what it is.
As for her sadness, get her out, even just for a ride in the car. Take her to visit HER friends, her church, her favorite places.
You love your Mom and want to care for her but there is no law that says you have to do it. If you feel the need for more help do not wait for it to be offered. Be specific and ask for the things that would make life easier. no everyone is cut out to be a caregiver and many are fearful of being left alone with someone who is dying in case they have to provide personal care they just can't face. That being said there are plenty of other things they can do to ease your burden. House work, shopping or laundry come to mind. Would she like someone to read to her or perhaps write letters to far away friends?
I actually prefer short visits. Sitting and talking for hours wears me out and I'm not really a senior. I don't have much to say past an hour. So, if you want them to do something different, call them later and tell them.
If they aren't receptive, then let it go and move on. Dwelling on other people's behaviors isn't productive and will just drag you down. Do what you feel is right and move on.
And if mom is depressed, have her evaluated for depression. If she has dementia, she may not need long visits. Sometimes, it could be the dementia progressing. She may not realize what is going on.
Some things that I have done is locate old family photos, have them enlarged and placed in a neat frame by her bed or hung on the fridge, along with a note to mom or dad.
Get old family videos of special events, weddings, Christmas, etc. and put on DVD so they can be played easily and often. Play them when your siblings come over for some good reminiscing. They may stay longer if something lively is being discussed.