My mother is 79 years old with mild to moderate dementia. My brother lives with her - he works outside the house most days. She has 2 dogs one lab and one little high energy dog.
Mom wakes up at night and thinks she has to put the dogs out. She fell once doing so (she did not hurt herself) and one night she put them out and they got skunked.
My siblings want to get rid of them. My point is that they are the one thing that gives her pleasure and purpose. She talks to them and they keep her company.
Mom agrees not to let them out at night but then by the time night comes she has forgotten her promise.
We have moved the sofa in front of the access to the backyard door. I suggested putting a BIG sign on the sofa saying "Do not let the dogs out or they will be taken away"
Neither my sister or brother are what you would call "dog people" but I don't think they understand that the benefit of the dogs out weights the risk of fall.
At least I think they do.
I have also looked in to getting Mom a product called "safehips" - has anyone else ever used them.
I am really frustrated and sad for my Mom. I think if she doesn't have the dogs she will decline faster as she will have no purpose.
I go over to my Moms during the day for 4-5 hours at a time and my sister comes over after work for an hour or two. My brother is there at night. I have another brother who comes on Tuesday and Wednesday nights.
Mom doesn't wander - she is kind - caring - easy to please and does what she is told to do. i.e. takes showers with help, gets dressed on her own, goes out with us to do errands without a fight. I feel like we are very lucky - especially since I've been lurking on the site for a while - my heart goes out to those dealing with difficult parents.
I KNOW we are lucky and want my Mom to have some sense of normal - having her dogs.
This situation may cause a big blowup with the four of us (siblings) two of us think the dogs should stay and two that they should be gone.
Any insight or help is appreciated.
Last evening she had a stroke (had a few over the years) and is back in the NH deemed to be in palliative care. Forever ago (when my father was alive) she did NH visits with her then dogs. A couple of the girls have become close friends of mine and tomorrow they'll take their dogs to visit her which will make her so happy.
The past couple of days she hears her mother calling her and says her mother is in her room with her (grandma died in 73). I'm not religious but, having had a number of encounters, I believe in the spirit world and that spirits come to guide those who pass on their journey into the beyond. I spoke with the NH RN today and she sees this all the time at the end - seeing and hearing those long gone before they themselves pass. According to the RN we're going day by day, hour by hour. Right now I don't know what I feel. She's just been a duty, a ball and chain, the ultimate taker, never giving - she knocked me around when I was 6 and put my in a hospital and it never got any better.
I have no guilt but tonight I'm troubled. Maybe I'll watch tv and have a glass of wine to sleep and shut it all out for a few hours. Of course my beloved dogs and cats will sleep with me as they always do.
I too, have been concerned about falls. But the dog spends the night in a bedroom with the door closed so is not a fall hazard. During the day, the dog is with mom nearly constantly and is always supervised. The dog has provided countless hours of diversion for mom and she would miss him terribly if he were not here. I cannot imagine removing a dog that has been in a household for years and can easily understand how hard that would be on your mom.
With dementia, your Mom may continue to get up at night, whether the dogs are there, or not, and she won't necessarily remember/understand that your brother let the dogs out before bedtime, or that they are contained in a crate, or that the dogs have pee pads to use.
I think the focus should be on keeping your Mom in her bed throughout the night. Is there some sort of alarm or baby monitor that could be used, to alert your brother that she is stirring around at night?
Best wishes to your family.
My mother is desperate to see her little dog again, along with my new rescued lab. She can't walk any more and, with a hip replacement and a bad back, I can't lift her. I'm thinking I can get the NH staff to get her into my truck, then take her for a drive around the property and park so she can watch the dogs playing ball. It's 0the best I can do.
Basically, if the dogs are not in any danger and are well taken care of. And the only problem your mom is having is at night with balance when she tries to let the dogs outside, I recommend your consider resorting to night time crates. The dogs may be a little old, but they may surprise you how well they adapt to the safety of the crates.
However, if the dogs sleep with your mom the change to a crate would be a difficult one. You said that your mom knows she isn't supposed to let the dogs out at night, but she forgets. Perhaps if you installed a complex lock on the door you could deter her.
Another option is let the dogs be "day dogs" (a term I just made up). Basically, the dogs could stay with her during the day, but live somewhere else at night. Similar to "day-care" for the dogs.
For the record, my dad let his deaf/blind 14 year old Boston Terrier out one night and forgot about her. He lives on acreage. We found her the next day after she had been turned into animal control. She had a broken toe, but was otherwise ok. Unfortunately we couldn't guarantee that something like this would not happen again. :(
Sue and Pixie now live with me, my 3 cats and 7 year old black lab I recently adopted from rescue, on 2 acres in the country. I wouldn't dream of parting with them, but then I'm one of those people who prefers animals to most people.
As the parent of an ICU trauma nurse, you are risking your mother's health. I know how we love our pets and I love mine. It would be devastating for your mother to lose her dogs. I would call her vet and ask if they have any good suggestions.
Also, is there anywhere you could put the dogs at night? Garage? Utility shed? Just to keep her from getting up and letting them out. Maybe that would help. Have you thought of crating them at night?
This is not an uncommon problem. I live in Florida and many of the no kill shelters get both dogs and cats from the elderly when they can no longer care for the pets. If you take them to a no kill shelter, they will not be euthanized. There is a whole world of people who love dogs and cats more than people. They protect these animals and try to find them homes. Don't take them to the Humane Society.
Good luck
Couple of suggestions. Could you install a doggy door so they can some and go independently or could you or your sister take them home each night. Maybe put a notice on the door. Do not let the Dogs out. Make sure any areas where Mom might go at night are very well lit and tripping hazards removed.
Could you explain what "safe hips" are? Mom won't remember any reasons or threats concerning the dogs, just incredibly sad if they are removed. Given her disease your Mom sounds as though she is remarkably pleasant to care for so don't upset the upset the apple cart! that's my two cents worth
It will devastate my Mom to lose those dogs. I am so afraid they are going to do it.
I will be the one to step up and take them as I would never let them go to the SPCA or have them put down. It would just mean that I would then have four dogs. My husband isn't happy with that idea but I can't let them be put down. Mom would be so sad and I feel like they deserve to live with Mom for as long as she is alive.
I welcome all advice and input. I am not sure how to get my siblings to understand that the dogs are good for Mom - and I feel the benefit outweighs the risk of a fall. Thanks for the responses I have gotten so far and I look forward to more responses.
Plus, there are so many studies that address what animals do for us and help seniors and help lowering blood pressure and all kinds of things. In fact, some days she says, "who's Billy?" I tell her the yellow cat. But let me tell you if he weren't there, she'd be...well, I don't know, hate to imagine!
One thing that might help is get those "pee pads" for puppies and put them down. Tell your Mother that she doesn't have to put the dogs out at night any more because the dogs are going on the Pee Pads. I sense they are adult dogs and, in actuality, I think it would take a while to train them to pee pads. However, this may relieve your Mother's mind on letting them out.
Then when your brother comes home from work he lets them out. Dogs seem to sense when they are not going to be left out and "hold it". It always amazed me that I could go to work and be there 8 hours but yet had to go to the bathroom several times. Whereas my dogs were home, not only for the 8 hours I was at work but also for the commute time. My dogs have been home for as long as 12 hours and had no accidents in the house
Now, this may sound strange and I apologize to anyone who maybe be offended by what I'm about to say. But have your brother do 1 of 2 things. Either urinate a little on one of the pads or pour some water which has yellow food dye in it on one of the pads. Then show the pad to your Mother and say "see, the dogs used the pee pads. So, you don't need to put them out." Plus tell her, it isn't necessarily safe leaving them out so late at night because her neighbor saw a skunk and a raccoon in the neighborhood -- which is not good for the dogs." But believe me, at this point the dogs are so important to your Mother. Losing them would be devastating probably.
Whatever happens, please, please, do not turn the dogs into an SPCA or shelter. They will have a problem being adopted. Instead, someone needs to step up and accept the responsibility of going and sitting and holding the dogs while they are put to sleep. It is a hard but good process. We are kinder to animals than we are to people. But please do this as a last resort. Do try the pee pad thing first. Just ask the brother who lives with her to try to work with the dogs because, whether he can see it or not, at this point, they are doing so much for your Mother. Good luck and hugs!
I never recommend that an elderly person take on a pet. It may be great for the person, but not fair to the pet. However, if the pets are already there, it is their home and not your brother's. The only thing is to make sure your mother doesn't feel she has to put them out at night.
If you do have to find the dogs a new home, try to find someone who will take care of them. I hope that doesn't happen and the dogs will be able to live out their lives in their own home with a person who loves them.