How much do I owe my siblings who do almost nothing?
They never visit our parents. I do all the caregiving since I just happen to be the one who lives close by (5 mins).
I have been emailing them details about parents, making phone calls, checking on parents when they say they can't get ahold of them (they were napping), and generally trying to inspire "family unification" or whatever that is called.
I guess I am always trying to bring people together.
Lately I am thinking, I am really stupid to be trying So Hard. They never support me, it's always me doing everything for Parents, and me keeping them informed.
Do I really owe them any extra time whatsoever?
And if they ever do visit (every 3 or 5 years!), am I really supposed to make nice with them and roll out the red carpets for their Grand Entrance?
Another thought. I used to be the one who tried to ge tmy family together on a regular basis. I actually lived further away (just over an hour drive) and my siblings lived close to my folks. I wanted my kids to know their family so I tried to organize get togethers. My siblings made it clear that they were too busy for any of that. Even my parents made no effort to visit us, never. We had to go to them on their terms, for years it was like that. In the end I realized that it was my desire to be close to family not theirs and I had to accept that. It hurt but eventually I stopped trying and stopped feeling resentful. It's better that way.
I know my brothers and don't resent them. It is just the way it is.
But. (You knew there'd be a but, didn't you?!)
Your mother loves her children. Having them, even notionally, in her life is important to her. And that is why it is worth your trouble to keep them in the loop.
Since I regularly scowl about my three sibs and wish they would just - well, never mind what I wish - I understand how frustrating this is, and how futile it feels to be jotting down an email to them and thinking "are they even going to bother to acknowledge this?"
I admire Jessie's attitude, it's what I'm aiming for but don't quite manage. I don't let on to my mother about why my brother's on the phone, either, because I don't want to wipe the beaming smile off her face, but boy! - do I resent him? You bet I do. I'm working on it.
Hm. Reviewing what I've just written, there is another ray of hope. To be fair, I have to acknowledge that my sister is checking in more often nowadays, once a fortnight or so, and visits every few weeks. So, I don't know, but if you keep patiently sending bulletins maybe your siblings too will eventually, gradually sort themselves out and pay more attention to their mother. Which would be good for her, even if it doesn't do much for you :) You never know!
I spent about 6 hours with parents today, just a normal Sunday for me, and when I got home, I was tempted to send a summary to my siblings......and I thought, why the heck should I do that? So I just sent a quick email to myself & husband of the day's activities, and attached photos.
Yes-- I take photos of when we get to church, the luncheon, and shopping afterwards---that's great way to document since it date stamps it. Also verifies everyone who is there, where I brought the parents, and what they were eating. They do think I'm a little nuts.
But it's also a great way to preserve the wonderful memories of all this time I've spent with parents.
If Sis could ever come down off her High Horse, I would dearly love to share the photos with her. Maybe if she continues in her nasty ways, I will get my day in court, and I can present all my photos. Of how I actually did some GOOD for the folks.
If you don't update them, they will be suspicious of you and give you a hard time. They will get angry and resentful to you for not letting them know how badly the parents are. And when it gets so bad, they will turn against you - sic the authorities on you with their suspicions.
I updated my siblings when it was mom. Because mom was bedridden for over 13 years, on oxygen, trache tube and stomach tube. So many times she was at death's door. I updated the siblings only because I give them the option to fly over if they want to see mom before she dies. This way, they can't blame me if mom died suddenly.
My dad is beginning in his road to dementia. I don't think his health is critical where my siblings need to know every single trip to the ER. When he had a pneumonia and had to be hospitalized, I text the siblings a brief msg. Up to them. But to go to the ER because his catheter was bleeding and wouldn't stop - was not a text message scenario. Know what I mean? I've reached the point with father's case to just very very briefly update the siblings on any major changes.
Plus when they call home on major holidays, they have noticed that dad's conversation has drastically changed. He no longer understands phone conversation.
If I email them, they've sometimes complained that I am only giving my perspective, not my parents. geez. I am not my parents---I can really only give my own words, I believe.
They rarely, have they ever? say thank you for the email.
It's more likely that they read it and file it away, or even delete it.
Yet, when they email me (which is hardly ever) they pretend that it is All Important. Like they are writing the Constitution or something. So it's definitely not the same impact as when I email.
I just crave a normal, give & take relationship with my siblings, in everything, but since they live so far out of state, it's just not happening. And I can't make it happen even with trying to send friendly emails.
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