How do you make siblings realize that their Mom is aging and only needs their love?

My oldest baby, Handsome Kitty, just went to heaven last night. It hurts so bad I can bearly breathe. I know I will see him again. He was the bestest kitty. He shared everthing he has with our other kitties that came and adopted us as their home. Rest in peace my Baby, I love you soooo much it hurts.

I've had nothing but difficulty with mine. I no longer feel guilt because I put her out. I told her if she wants to know anything further, she can either keep in touch herself or get her sorry butt to the hospital like I am and find out, but I am not her agent, and she is not acting like a daughter so don't give me that argument either. As usual, she is absent. So when the day comes that my mom dies, unless my sister reads about it somewhere, it will be a very private funeral. This is her fault, not mine, as she is a middle aged woman and should have more sense.

Absent physical or psychological abuse, the child owes their parents help. There is a thing called duty. Just because a sibling wasn't their parent's so-called favorite it is not permissible to ignore a parent in need.
If as adult children we put our needs first and foremost always-- we have not become an adult, regardless of our age.
We only get one set of parents, we need to be kind to them. Old age is not the time to try to settle old scores by neglecting their needs. Be the bigger person, do the right thing. Do the Christian thing in this season of Advent.

Elizabeth

So so sad. There are so many in the same position. What happened to our family values? Can we turn back the hands of time to say...1970 or so? Unbelievable, so unbelievable.

Mom was, and still is, so good to us. She raised us three kids on her one paycheck. A feat that I don't think I could ever do. We had food, we had some of the latest fashions in clothes. We had pets, despite no one wanted to rent to a women with three kids and pets. Somehow Mom made it all happen. She does not deserve to be treated this way.

I sent my brother an email a couple days ago. I told him I was sorry for being so angry and then I said...."I would like to know why you and our sister do not spend time with Mom? She's been sitting out there, home alone, for going on three years. Even people in prison are treated better than that (both siblings are prison gaurds)." I have not heard back from him. They just simply don't care, period. I can't believe this is happening. My brother and I were always close, very close. This is so shocking to me. Unbelievable. Totally unbelievable.

I want to THANK YOU ALL for your posts. I keep reading them, and then I re-read them. I still have not made a decision on what to do about this situation. I keep teeter-totering back and forth, one moment angry and going to cut them out of my life, other moments thinking what would the Lord want me to do, other moments I just give it to the Lord and hope he takes care of it. I just don't know. I don't know if I can look at them come Christmas, I just don't know. It could destroy my Christmas. Mom on the other hand, will probably, swallow her pain and let them in.

I think deep down your siblings know that they should be visiting and helping your Mom; most people know it's the right thing to do. Unfortunately, your siblings sound like my sister; thinking only of themselves. My sister has not visited our folks since July, it's now November, (she lives 20 minutes from our folks, she does not work, and has two children away at college), and clearly has the time. My sister has told me that I don't have to do it, (help out with our folks) and I believe in her mind (the way she sees it); this lets her off of the hook, because she feels that it is my choice to help out. How would they manage getting to their doctor's appointments, etc.? When I brought this up to my sister, she said to hire a driver. Getting back to your situation, you sound like a very compassionate person, and it sounds as if your life would be a lot easier if your siblings helped, so if you could get them to commit to certain hours/days when they can help your Mom that would be great. You could tell them you want to start the New Year on a clean slate, and that you have things that you need to do, (unrelating to Mom) and you need their help. If you feel uncomfortable asking them for help over the telephone, sometimes it's easier to write something which would be hard to say over the telephone; by e-mail. Speaking for myself, have found it is easier to be more forceful in getting a point across by e-mail.

msdaizy,
I understand. And you are right--they MIGHT feel more guilty
...but if they think they feel guilty now by staying away, they will feel more so if they do not try to resolve family issues and personal issues until it is too late.
But it is what it is, as they say.
None of us can make others do what we want. We can suggest, ask, request, inform...but beyond that, it's their choice. We must avoid beating ourselves up for others' strangeness. If we allow ourselves to get upset by others behaviors, we hurt ourselves, not them.

Moms often brag about one to the others, but to that person, the Mom uses various forms of abuse for a lifetime. Mine tells people half truths, whole lies, laced with enough truths, to keep everyone buffaloed, even family, to gain her agendas, which she has a hard time communicating otherwise--she connives.
While Mom was with us, she was nasty--and yet, could behave sweet & sane enough to avoid getting diagnosed, to continue to avoid getting the help she has needed all her life.
My siblings deny knowing how she was HERE. Each of them dysfunctional enough to only admit to the problems when it suits them. Several kids, each experienced Mom and her partners in various ways, with some overlapping.
One sister said "you must have grown up in a different house"
....she evidently does not know how true that was, literally and figuratively.

No surprise, when Mom needed a place to go, none of them wanted her under their roofs, but 6 years later after she wore them down, even the one who had also had the harshest experience with her was ready to invite her into her home, seemingly blinded to the memories of what Mom had done to her for years.

Another one has taken her in; who is "eating it" [her stress] all the time , saying "we get along fine", "no problems", "I don't know what you're talking about".
That sibling has an alcoholic spouse, and now an alcoholic, elderly Mom, and extended family who are all carrying around anger so thick, so heavy, they see it in everyone else, not themselves.

I paid a very high price, loosing family. But it is more painful to think of trying to patch it up with them, since they keep doing what Mom does so well, and it is their choice to shun me.
I can look at it another way: I got away from dysfunctional family, from people who cannot / will not see me for who I really am, refuse to know me as a person, preferring vicious fictions to truth.
I took care of Mom for 6 years, up close and personal.
It was hell more than not. I am still glad I did it even for that short time.

IF you are having some good times with your Mom, that is a huge blessing.
PLEASE try checking with your nearest Area Agency on Aging [see phone book].
They can likely help you find people to give you time off when you need it, and other helps to lift some of your burden, to keep your sense of happiness and self intact while care-giving. This is what people do, if there's no other family, or, the family cannot help out for any reason.

I never had these services while Mom was here; if I had, things might have been a bit lighter, if only for having some time-off from 24/7 care-giving; it is so important, for you, AND for your Mom. It's also important to keep trying to find a helper who is compatible with you and your Mom.

I hope you find someone to help, soon! Please do not let your family's behavior get to you. Their behaviors are their problem to live with. You are there, doing the work. There can be a great sense of peace, knowing you did the best you can, no matter what.

A few days ago I my mom bought gift cards for Christmas for my brother and his family. When we got home from mailing them she smiled and said "maybe they will call when they get them". Well, delivery confirmation said they arrived 3 days ago and no phone call yet. Mother is beginning to realize you can't even buy a phone call from those ungrateful slobs.
Pfft.

loridtabbykat I told my Sister ,when she wanted to get payed for spending time with our Mom, SHE'S NOT A JOB...SHE'S YOUR MOTHER!!! I also wrote a note attached to important papers (copies) YOUR MOTHER IS ALIVE!!!!! I believe she thinks I am the one who's wrong and has anger issues. You just gave me a great idea ... I was in a store and saw a gift of coal, meant for a joke... I think I'll mail it to my sister from Santa, with a P.S. your on my Naughty list because your Mother told me you haven't been NICE!!! She still won't get it.

Sometimes I feel like they don't want to come around because it might cause more guilt on their part. I have 2 sisters who live close enough to come see mom for a day..but neither do. Unless we have a family member traveling down to visit. Then they make an appearance. I have a twin, who I know could have more time to spend here but shopping at the mall is more important. I would love to get out and do a little shopping. But nope...I'm tied to mom. I love my mom and I would do what I can to make her happy. I just wished my other sisters would too. It's really kinda sad though..mom talks about my twin sister and brags about her. "She's really smart" and "She's real perty"...I say, mom she's my twin. But she holds her tongue. Doesn't say things like that about me. I was shocked when she stopped by for a visit the other day...made mom so happy. But that's probably the last time we will see her until Christmas now.
At least we know that when our loved ones finally pass on ...we have done all that we can to be there for them, and blessed because we did.

Several kids grow up with same parent, yet get treated and experience things quite differently. The one[s][ who get mistreated, do not want to spend time with their failing parent who did the damage.
In that case, other siblings who did NOT experience things that same way, will often condemn the errant sibling[s], or worse, start acting out at them the way the parent who did the damage did--perpetrating more of the parental damage on the adult child. That child has a responsibility to stay away, to preserve their own health and well-being, regardless of whether the other siblings understand it or not.. Those who do not understand, often will totally spin their stories to make the missing sibling look even worse. IT happens.

OR, perhaps they cannot deal with illness/death/dying.
This is their parent, they fear losing them, or cannot stomach the failing condition of the parent--the excuse might sound like this: "I want to remember them as they were, not as they are".
Or like the one instance mentioned, they keep several feet away, and fidget with other attention getting devices.

Do the best you can, to hold them up in Love.
Broken people need that, and so do you!
Holding onto angry feelings only makes it worse.
Find other people who can come visit or help with care-giving, or who can otherwise help solve the issues you face in care-giving.
Families cannot always be there for each other, for many reasons, none of which are helped by condemning the missing relative[s].

{{{hugs!}}}

Well I haven't experienced this problem being an only child. However, I would continue taking care of your mother and ignore them. If they are so self centered that they don't want to visit (let alone help) their mother then they are
not worth wasting time on. I strongly believe what goes around comes around and they will either die early or they will die alone with no one wanting to "do for them". I would notify them of any major changes in her health but nothing more.
Probably your mother did for them all the time wanting nothing in return. So they have a pattern of being thoughtless and useless. It will not change.

A cautionary tale for all parents--you can be too good to your children and end up with thoughtless selfish adults. Love has to teach respect for elderly relatives including parents. You obviously got the lesson --too bad they have not.

Enjoy the holiday with Mom. She is so fortunate to have you. Imagine how bleak her life would be without you.

Take care.

Elizabeth

Your Mom's depression is probably depressing them enough to run for the hills at the end of the week b/c they feel there isn't much they can do about it. Long winters only aggravate the situation.

My suggestion? Nag them. Get them to call 2x a week to check on her. One lousy 2-min. call could be the spark that sets her into motion again. And make you feel like everything doesn't have to fall on you.

For now, see if you can get Mom to share about what depresses her. Let her do most of the talking.

Glad you had a good time last night with your mum. Makes it worthwhile doesn't it?You can't change anyone else, you can only change yourself. There are many cases here where siblings shirk their responsibility to their parents leaving one of the children to do all the work. In some cases the sibs that don't help also criticise, and even try to get money from the parent(s). If they do not realise she needs them by now, likely they won't. You could try letting them know gently, once or twice, but if there is no response, it is probably best to accept that that is how they are, and to lower your expectations. It takes the pressure off you, if you can accept how they are. I am not saying it is right - it isn't. I have a sib who will take and who will criticise, but who will not help when it comes to doing anything. I have essentially cut contact with her - no loss. Took me years to figure it out,(((((((hugs)))))) Joan

I want to thank each and every one of you for your responses. I really appreciate EVERYONE'S input! I really feel like the only way I'm going to deal with this and stay healthy is to pretend they don't live here, as if they don't exist. My brother sent me an email to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving, and my reaction was total anger, shaking with anger. I will re-read all of your responses, keep quiet, focus on the good things, and let a little time pass before making any decisions. A happy note, Mom and I had a good time after work last night, we did a little shopping. We go to the stores regularly, it gives Mom a chance to get out of the house and have contact with other people. The people working in the stores have come to know us, and it's become a social event. We had a good time last night!

Yes, I have the same problem with my brother. I live with my mom in her house. My brother lives 50 miles away but does not call or visits that often maybe four times since January. I have called him when I was very angry and tried to talk to him when I was calm. Nothing makes a difference. He always says that he will call more and it all comes to naught. I think that he cannot handle the way my mother is. She always talks about the things that my brother and I have done in the past that we are not proud of. The thing is I get it all the time and he doesn't. I try to make her life as full as it can be and laugh and joke with her. She gets very upset with my brother for not calling and she is hurt. When she goes my brother and sister in law will be here to take what they want and to see what amount of money they can get to sell the house. I have tried to accept the way things are and that is the best I can do. And that is the best we can all do.

I, too, have and am experiencing the same situation. I finally realized my brother is not going to change his behavior and I need to accept him for who he is. Focusing on his good qualities helps me. He is a good father to his family. Just not a good son in my opinion. Unfortunatly my parents grieve for him.....but, there is no solution to get him to visit or pay more attention.

What made my emotional life easier was to stop trying to change his behavior. Move on and enjoy the moments YOU get to spend with your Mom. These are priceless days and your making memories.

Many families have similar problems. People who are repelled by old age, illness, and death. Others welcome the opportunity to help older relatives, ill people, those approaching the end of life. Each has their own decision to make. Go easy and do what YOU can. And try not to do too much!

You are so not alone. We are all dealing with it one way or another.
I have come to grips with my roll as caregiver and I realize that everyone else has too....They leave the work to me. I suggested more contact...what a mistake. They support her showcasing, and have cast me in the roll of villian. She even complains to me about them.... I take a deep breath and keep telling myself that it all straightens itself out in the end...I just wish I didn't have bills to pay, and I hope my young family isn't suffering because of it. Stay healthy...I noticed when I started working out (20min/day) I had a different outlook on things. Please ,she'e not the only one that need love.

I have two sisters and four brothers, my sisters take turns coming and helping with mom for a weekend (they live out of town) and sometimes they take her for a week to stay at their homes. Two of my brothers live very close by, one has taken her to his home for Sunday dinner three times this year but only when I call and pin him down to a day and time. The others who were all given a phone schedule of their day to call mom did so for the first two weeks, then fell back into their old pattern...usually will call if they need something-money! It's sad and I have had to come to terms with their behaviors...I know life gets busy, they have jobs and families of their own, but still, a few minutes once a week to call their own mom and check in? I just pray to let it all go, it is detrimental to my health to allow their behaviors to stress me out. Let go and let God...I am praying for you for strength and peace of heart.

Each person is an individual and has to make their own choices. In your eyes, everyone was treated equally; but each individual "perceives" things differently -- your siblings may have felt more disconnected; others may just be more selfish nature "me first"; and others may feel that once raised, they expect to be "out of the nest" and off on their own -- keeping connections; but not intimately involved in family or family matters -- they create their own family. Your siblings will be all you have left; think carefully how you treat them and if you still want a connection. The best advice is "no regrets" -- you can only answer that for yourself.

PS I have a sib who has nearly no contact with mom; who has no regrets -- sometimes it makes me angry "that I'm alone and expected to take care of things" but we've had honest conversations and the sib really doesn't expect me to take on the burden; he sees it as my choice and I have to respect that. I love this sib and he has actually helped me to set boundaries and not lose myself in worry, guilt and control.

Some children can't deal with the decline of a parent. It is easier not to be involved.My significant other's daughter will come to see him but won't get within three feet of him and constantly plays with her phone. One can't make another person care. Remember getting angry at them hurts you more than them. Spend your energy helping you mom and taking care of yourself. Hugs

You must be very calm and non judgemental when you speak with them. Drop them a note and tell them that Mom had a nice Thanksgiving but an answer to her prayers would have been a call or a visit from them. Ask them to please call or visit for Christmas, but be careful with your tone, especially if you decide to call instead of writing. We all get so wrapped up in our own lives we sometimes forget the ones who have done the most for us. They probably will not wake up to this fact until she is gone.
Keep up the good work you are doing, it is so good you are faithful to you Mom. You will never regret what you do for her. Turn loose of the anger you have for them, as it only makes you feel bad, and it is not going to change them. If you don't feel like giving them Christmas presents, don't. Better not to give than to give with the wrong spirit. Perhaps you should be glad they don't come and try to tell you how to handle your Mom. That is usually what happens. They breeze in for a day or two and tell you just what you should be doing. The voice of experience. Blessings

Someone told me last night that I should do good for others simply because I want to do it, not because I want something for it. That applies to everyone around me. If they choose not to be involved in my mom's life, all I can do is to talk with them calmly in the hope that I will help them think of things they haven' thought of on their own.

In my family's case, I told my sister that our mom would love to have her visit more often. So, my sister, who was normally not involved AT ALL with our parents started to make monthly visits. She would spend the weekend sitting around with mom. Mom paid to get my sister's hair done and my sister cooked a meal for mom. That was it. After about 2 years, my mom passed away and from that simple suggestion, my sister got a chance to spend a little more time with her mother than she would have otherwise.

I live nearby so I was VERY involved with mom. Sometimes, overly involved so much so that I gave up parts of my own life... and that's not so good.

My Brother!! on the other hand, lives in another country. He will come to the US and spend 2 months with his in-laws and 2 days with his mom. My mom has now passed and we are going through her things. My brother has NO interest in reading old letters. He just wants to get through things and get back to his life.

It is interesting to me how we all made our own choices. The only thing that ever worked for me was to have gentle conversations. In one case my sister took me up on the idea and in the other, my brother wanted NO part of it.

Today, I am amazed to see what happened. It is interesting to watch. I think in the end, my brother actually has the healthier life. He has a good family. His grown kids love him, his wife loves him, his in-laws love him... and his assessment is that his own family is out of shape, and negative and he won't have anything to do with it.

For me, now... I need to decide what I can do within my own area of life. How can I live life kindly, in good health and loving those around me. My brother, how decided to disengage from our mom, made his decision and if I look at what surrounds him, he is a contributor to this world... just not to our mom, for whatever reason he experienced. Maybe she wasn't nice enough to him. Maybe he gave her all he could. Now it's over... and all we can do is look and move forward.

Long winded way of saying, I am wishing you a smooth journey. I hope you are able to influence the people around you positively, and kindly without giving up your own life in the process.

Isn't it amazing how several children grow up in the same family, same parents and basically same experiences as children and turn out so totally different!

Right or wrong, I have come to the conclusion alot of the differences have to do with how, as children, each one was treated by their parents.

I’m dealing with some of the same sibling issues. I use a free web site (PlumbMetrics) with my Dad for daily picture quiz, plus health questions. The results are emailed to all siblings each morning.
One of my brothers has actually taken the quiz answers and sends follow up comments to my Dad. But another Brother, very little, Not sure how we all got to this point in our family. We lost our Mom very early and she was truly the hub of he family wheel, I guess we have been a dysfunctional family for 40 years.