Am I alone in not liking my mum anymore? She has started being nasty, she depresses me and I don’t want to be around her anymore. She is showing signs of Dementia but refuses to get tested. All she does is say nasty things, always negative, always unwell, always moaning and accusing people of things they haven’t done. She is housebound and sits in front of the tv all day waiting to die. She never says anything nice about anything or anyone and her manners are shocking to the point I have had enough as life is hard enough without being around people like that. I would be happy if I didn’t see her again but have to do her shopping, even that is a complaint. Is it just me?
I love your treat idea. Unfortunately I bet Taylor is the one who has to unpack the groceries and put them away. But I would try it.
I used to pick up cookies at Trader Joe’s for my mom. The ones called Joe Joes. Little sandwich cookies in various flavors. One day when I had made my weekly trip to take her supplies, she let me know that she didn’t want anymore of those Joe Joes. I thought she had been enjoying them because they were always gone. Turns out the therapist and my sister were enjoying them. I had to laugh. I decided I would continue to bring them because they deserved a treat for putting up with her difficult personality. I had to try again for my mom. She had a very restricted diet and it was hard to find something to put a smile on her face that she would actually try. And she did not think I should bring them cookies. They were both overweight she said. I never knew if she didn’t want the cookies or just didn’t want them to have them.
Towards the end of my moms life, she would have benefited from an antidepressant. I was able to get her to take an anxiety tablet on especially difficult days. So I do understand how you feel. The dread was horrible some days and yet I was always happy to have gotten to see my childhood home, even if it was just to clean and stock supplies. I felt elated when I left. I did go in onetime and found her asleep. Only the one time. I put the food away, did my chores and left without seeing her. That was probably at my worst. I did take it as a problem I had to do something about for myself, not just her. I had to drive three hours just to get there. So it wasn’t like I left from just around the corner.
I suppose I did do a form of gray rock in that I tried not to mention anything I didn’t want her to comment on that would be upsetting to me. I wouldn’t call on the phone unless I needed to know something. She had granddaughters and a sister to visit with on the phone.
I asked her once to not say anything ugly until she had said something nice. The next week when I came, she said, “Its good to see you .... long pause ....I guess”. I was so surprised I laughed and gave her a hug and a kiss for the effort which seemed to have been hard for her to muster and she must have been thinking about all week.
My mother was a legend in our community. A stern highly respected woman. I loved her dearly but it was not easy being her daughter.
Whether for my mom or now DH aunt, I had some basic rules. If they wanted my help, I had a say in what I was going to be willing to do. We are going to have baths through home health. I don’t give baths. We are going to have medical care and follow the doctors orders. If we don’t follow the orders why go? We need to see if the orders work before we discount them. If we don’t like the doctor, okay let’s get another. if we don’t go to the doctor, then we can’t have home health, if we don’t have home health you can’t live at home.
We are going to have a clean house. It reached a point where I decided I would no longer clean. I gave myself a promotion and became the care manager and hired someone to handle what I had done before.
They always had a choice. They might not like the choices but unless they were ready for someone else to take over, it was going to have to be a large part of what worked for me or I was out.
If there is a delivery service on the food, use it. Every little layer of help you can access is worth it. Do get away. Break the cycle. Take a walk. Visit with friends. I’m glad you posted. I hope it helps.
What other things other than shopping are you doing for your mom that allow her to live alone? If you did not do those things what would happen?
You say in your profile that she has dementia but in your post she refuses to get tested.
It is possible that many of the things that you list that are "wrong" can be a result of depression. Would she see her doctor for other reasons if she were not going to be tested for dementia? If so depression is a good reason to have her see her doctor.
If nothing else this is another case where unfortunately it is a matter of waiting for some catastrophic incident to happen that will bring her to the hospital. At that point if you feel strongly about it you can say that she can not be safely discharged to her home as she has no one to help care for her full time. She would be sent to rehab and if she does not improve she may be in Skilled Nursing or Memory Care after rehab.
The other option to Skilled Nursing or Memory Care is that you become her full time,. 24/7/367 caregiver.
OH, do not respond to negative comments. If she does have dementia she is not going to change, if she does not have dementia you can tell her "I do not like it when you talk like that, if it continues I will leave" and then leave if it continues. Same with the phone hang up.
We have to come to terms with our elders either changin out personalities completely, which is baffling, or just becoming MORE of what they once were.
Either way, it's hard and hopefully, we learn from it.
My Mom has moderate dementia. Severe depression. Anxiety.
It is soooo hard being around her. She has never been a positive person. Quite the opposite.
Problem is, I have chosen to be the one to manage her care. This means that I need to check on her once a week. It’s awful. There is absolutely nothing that doesn’t elicit a crabby response.
You are not alone. We hear you, and sympathize. We are all in some kind of crazy club that we never applied for, would never pay to keep our membership, and want like heck to be kicked out of! 😂
Has a more-accurate statement ever been made?
THE WORDS THAT COME OUT HER MOUTH IS SO BAD,NOBODY COMES TO VISIT HER ANYMORE..MY GRANDCHILDREN ARE SCARED TO EVEN GREET HER,AND SHE JUST SWEARS THEM & CALLED THEM UGLY THINGS..
SOME PEOPLE WILL THINK WE ARE CRUEL BUT ITS NOT AN EASY SITUATION TO HANDLE...
I FEEL FOR ALL OF YOU EVEN THOUGH I AM JUST THE
64 YEAR OLD SON IN-LAW.....
Medication not an option? If you must use restraints, could you consider extra long sleeves you can tie back to restrict movement without risking injury. Or maybe wear welding gloves...?
Its not easy to care for these patients. It can be made easier if your loved one was not like this before they suffered from dementia as you can see that they have changed from the illness. My father has been struggling with dementia since, I believe, probably age 84. He’s now 90 years old. Prior to dementia he was a quiet, reserved man who would never have even thought of complaining or grumbling about things!
Dad never cried before dementia, after dementia, he would get very emotional, quite easily. Anger and crying his go to responses. He’s very blunt about what he does and doesn’t like.
I found that it’s been much easier for me since he’s moved into assisted living. I tend to come and visit during the earlier part of the day when his dementia isn’t as pronounced. Later in the day his mind is tired and he’s more grumpy and less focused. It’s also helpful that I do not have to do the primary care taking activities such as helping with; toileting, showering, helping him dress, etc.
one of the most helpful people online regarding dementia is Teepa Snow. She has spent many years developing understanding for those who are experiencing and caretaking for patients with dementia. She explains how the brain is affected by this disease and it is so helpful! I would recommend watching some of her videos when you get a chance. I also agree with the others who shared here that you need to give yourself time away. It’s important to recharge and re-energize before you visit.
I also found it helpful to watch people interact with dad who were not as emotionally connected to him as I was. They used good dementia caretaking approaches that worked and helped focus and redirect his behavior. Once I accepted the fact that this dad wasn’t the same as the old one, I was able to visit with a less “me” oriented perspective, and care for dad with love and affection even when his attitude was negative. It’s still not easy, but it’s a lot better! I don’t go every day, I usually see him every other day, and I try to bring treats that he enjoys. Good luck with your mum! I hope you can eventually find some joy in serving her.
It's very hard to be around negative people.
BUT, put yourself in mom's shoes, she is a very unhappy person.
Maybe you could have her groceries delivered?
You should plan a weekly visit and take her out of the house like to lunch, Get her nails done, go for a pic nic. Go for a ride like the beach. Her old stomping grounds. Ect.
When you visit, have something for her to do. Work on a large size piece puzzle together, do a large print easy paint by number, make a bracelet or necklace. Have a weekly or monthly Movie, Bingo or Cards Night and invite a couple of her friends over.
Juse try to put yourself in your mom's shoes, it's not a life so while she's here, try to make it a little better for her so once she is gone, they'll be no regrets.
Once a week visit for an hour or so is not asking too much.
Juse let her talk. Complain whatever she needs someone to vent to. Anyone can put up with an hour or two a week.
You may see about having her go to an Adult Day Camp, they are usually free and have things for them to do and lunch and she could meet some friends.
Take her to Church. It might make her nicer.
Unless she was a horrible mom that beat and molested you when you were growing up. You should get over how she is be more understanding that if it were reversed, how you would feel about living by yourself and not going out of the house ever? Sounds pretty awful don't you think?
Prayers
On a lighter note: I had to chuckle when I read your note. It sounded like a teenage girl: says nasty things, always negative, sits in front of the tv all day.... How on earth did OUR mothers put up with us. There is no moral of this story, just an observation.
You live very close to her, and she has caregivers. Are there fulltime caregivers?
I understand not liking your mother anymore. When my mother was still living "independently" in her condo 7 minutes away from me, it was very tough on me emotionally because it was so obvious that she didn't like me and thought my time wasn't worth anything. (And I have 3 out-of-state brothers, so I was the one with boots on the ground.)
I know exactly what you mean about the not thinking your time is worth anything. That's my life every single day.
My time is worth nothing. My life isn't either. I'm supposed to spend both in servitude.
I don't know how old you are--but if you do not have an income you are going to be in a REAL mess later on.
If you have power of attorney in place, that is good. If not it is unlikely she will do this important thing now. Push will come to shove when there is a medical incident; at that point you may need to decide if you even WANT POA. I would not. I was POA for a wonderful man, my brother, who was/remained calm, gentle, organized, and put the best light on what we were both going through with his diagnosis, and even THAT was difficult. I could not/would not have done it otherwise. Life's too short.
If putting your mother into an AL or nursing home is not something you want to consider right now, just think about it and discuss it with your family. I can't tell you enough how not alone you are in your situation.
In the meantime, bring in as much hired help as possible and limit the amount of time you spend with her.
Have her groceries delivered or have a caregiver do her shopping. Believe me it will make no difference. Your mother will complain incessantly regardless of how this or anything else gets done.
Save yourself from some misery and don't do her shopping. Don't clean her house either.
It was suggested here on the thread that you visit her once a week for an hour or so. Do that. Let her complain, accuse, and incoherently rant for the whole time. Then go home.
Consider it a blessing and a gift from God that you have a home to go to and don't have to live with her.
I have the same situation you have with your mother. Only I'm stuck here 24 hours a day. I cope because I ignore my mother most of the day. Having worked in elder homecare for many years, I've mastered the skill of polite ignoring and walking away without a fight. I wouldn't wish my life in anyone.
You have choices. Do what's best for you. Your mother will be exactly the same regardless of what you do.
The nice lady in adult day care recommended a few places and I finally found one I could afford. I was able to get him in and he has been in the facility 1 year. He's doing better, still has the problem but not like when he was home.
When he first when in, I cried every night, it was a big loss for me and I miss him everyday. I visit him every two days and happy that he's doing better.
There are some facilities out there that are affordable, he's not eligible for medicaid, maybe someday, but not now.
Don't feel bad about how you feel, it's not your fault or his.
God Bless you, I've been where you are. My prayers are with you. Roofie
And, no, you are not alone. I don't like mine much anymore either. Being a caregiver kind of ruins relationships.
All she says & does is cut people apart and complain. Everything is laced with misery and gloom, and this is WITH enough Wellbutrin to knock out a horse. Ain't no happy pills on earth gonna make my mother happy. She lives to complain, to be sick, miserable and nasty in general.
It's not 'just you', it's probably a good half of us who sought out support when we found AgingCare in the first place. We talk about it together, here, and normally, we find support and understanding. Unless we're lectured about "BUT, put yourself in mom's shoes, she is a very unhappy person. Juse try to put yourself in your mom's shoes, it's not a life so while she's here, try to make it a little better for her so once she is gone, they'll be no regrets.
Once a week visit for an hour or so is not asking too much.
Juse let her talk. Complain whatever she needs someone to vent to. Anyone can put up with an hour or two a week."
When we get those types of unsupportive comments, we ignore them and move along, knowing that person doesn't 'get it' at ALL. It's fine to vent, in fact, it's NECESSARY to vent, it's healthy for the soul to do so!
Do what you can for your mother and then take off. Try to let her negativity roll off of your back (as I do with my Negative Nelly mother) and that's that. Don't move in with her or have her move in with you (God forbid) and consider Assisted Living/Memory Care when her needs require placement. That's where my 94+ y/o mother lives, and I manage her life FOR her from my desktop, visit weekly, and speak daily on the phone. I set down boundaries and when she crosses the line, I tell her I need to get off the phone or I cut the visit short. My mental health matters too, just as yours does.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Keep times being "around" her to a bare minimum. Ear plugs or headphones to play music and drown her out will take away a lot of the nasty talk. Sure, she can still say things, you might hear some of it, even over the plugs or music, but drown out as much as you can!
IF she sits in front of the TV all day, stay away from her while you are there to deliver groceries, or doing other tasks. Keep interactions while there to a bare minimum. It's never easy being around someone who is always negative, so the best you can do is limit the time there, stay busy with what needs to be done and wear the ear plugs or headphones.
If/when that gets to be too much or she requires more help, has she set up POAs, will, medical wishes, etc? If yes, you can hire help to take care of things in the house and/or provide the care she needs. You can still pick up supplies and do the shopping, but have someone there to help bring it in/put it away, limiting interaction with her even more. Alternative is facility, but she may not go willingly.
As for testing, what kind are you talking? Something to determine if she's compromised, or extensive testing to figure out more? We never did any in depth testing. The most was done by a nurse the agency I was hiring sent to assess her needs. This was done at home, with 2 of us present. It was less intimidating and mom cooperated. No one has to say it's for dementia, just say it's something Medicare requires and be there to let the nurse in and facilitate as best you can. Sometimes testing is needed to determine if it's something like FTD, but often the symptoms can help figure that out too. Some people want to know more - for me it was enough to just confirm what I suspected. Then I could learn to deal with it by doing online reading.
Happiness does come from within. If she's truly unhappy, there's not much you can do to change that. My mother was kind of like that, but mostly before dementia, criticizing us and others, negative talk about others, etc. Fortunately, as her dementia progressed, she was actually pretty well behaved in MC. So much so that various staff would tell me how much they liked my mother, and how cute and/or funny she was! I used to ask who body-snatched my mother!
So, try to limit how much exposure to her you get AND treat yourself after each "visit" to something YOU enjoy doing! Find ways to laugh about her silly behavior after-the-fact. Laugh about it, not at her. Most of it is just ridiculous stuff they go on about. Tune out what you can, drown out more with headphones (ear buds are even better, so she doesn't really see them and thinks you are listening.) Smile at her and finish up what needs to be done. Get away ASAP, wishing her well and telling her you'll see her later. For her complaints about your shopping or whatever, thank her profusely. It just might take the wind out of her sails! "You do a crappy job shopping, always the wrong things!" "Why thank you mom, how sweet of you to notice!" and move on.
If there are no legal documents in place, do you think she'd be willing to get them done? If not, when the time comes you will have to either file to be her guardian or let the state take that role on. The latter means they will take all her assets for her care and choose where she will live. You can still visit, etc, but will have no say in how her assets are used, what care she gets or where she resides. Until it's in place, you can't legally use her assets, but if appointed you can use them to pay for care, facility and even reimburse the legal fees (some attys may be willing to arrange payment after appointment, so you won't have to use your own money.)
We DO need to learn to do these things, preferably in that order. LIVE. You deserve to have a life and live it, as positively as you can. LAUGH. This one I have often said, even before ever seeing the commonly used expression, is essential to our well being. We NEED to laugh. Not AT people, but with them, at ourselves, at silly things, or just because. LOVE. Even though it might be hard to love that person we have to care for, remember that we do it out of care for that person. We can still, on some level, love that person even if we despise their behavior, which often is beyond their control. We also have to love ourselves - this is important. However difficult it is to provide the care needed for that person/people with dementia, you ARE doing it and you should acknowledge what you do for them. Most likely they won't, so you have to love yourself enough to give yourself the kudos they can't or won't.
The origin of the expression:
"While it has often been misattributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, the words were first linked together in a poem called "Success" by Iowan writer Bessie Anderson Stanley in 1904.
The opening line of the poem reads: "He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much." It was originally written as the winning entry in an essay contest run by Brown Book Magazine, for which Bessie won a cash prize of $250 (£190) which paid off the mortgage on her house, among other things."
Source: https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/live-laugh-love-origin
Imagine being able to pay off a mortgage with $250!!!! That's good for a laugh, isn't it?
Anyway, based on the original writing, strive for success!
Live. Laugh. Love.