If so, what have you said about your situation? I have been my mother's only care giver for going on 7 years. I moved to a new city to do so. I dated two different men, both knew what I was doing. I did find that after a period of time they grew inpatiant with my time to do things, as did I.
I feel like perhaps my time will end when I will be worthy of dating. I have no children, and will not. I know that at this point I just do not know what to say, if I were to meet someone. I worry that if one knows that she has Alzheimer's, they would feel I may be next in line. Who would want to date me. I know there is a test one can take, yet, I do not want to live knowing that I have the gene.Why live with that stress. I guess I just worry about so much day to day, about caring for her, I feel that perhaps I should not think of these things, or other days I am frustated. Thanks for listening.
I cared for my dad at home for 5 years and I had a difficult enough time being able to have lunch with friends or go to a party. The last year or so of my caregiving I just gave up doing anything social because caregiving took so much out of me it was just easier to not do social things. As for dating, I could never consider it. Being able to go to lunch once a month with a friend was difficult enough. Being able to go out on dates several times a week was impossible.
Now that my caregiving has ended I'm not sure if I would date a man who was caring for his parent 24/7. I know it sounds harsh but having been a 24/7 caregiver I know that the life of a caregiver is not his/her own. I'm just not sure I'd want to get tangled up in all of that.
I came into my relationship knowing that my FIL lived with my husband, had boundless energy and empathy (and love!) for my partner's dad, and managed to keep it on a day to day basis for close to two years.
An odd thing happened. Caring for him slowly, almost imperceptibly, became my job. It happened little by little. He also flourished. All of my time and energy and love became sucked up and served to make him suddenly seem perfectly healthy, even though mentally he continued to decline.
I noticed that my health began to falter. It almost seemed like the world became centered around him, and my life was and is now best described as an hourglass. To care for him, to dote on him, steadily requires more and more and more and more so that the hourglass turns and fills his side and depletes mine to nothing.
If I pull away in an attempt to restore any part of my side, SOMETHING will invariably happen, or rather HE will sense the shift and purposely do something that adds an entirely new load of obligation and responsibility at my feet, turning the hourglass back to his side again.
My relationship with my husband is, sadly, not about our love and the joy of discovering and existing with each other. It has become all about his father.
If I knew then what I know now, I never, EVER would have become involved with my husband. I would have run like hell in the other direction. I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of doom that will only end in my demise, either broken and through divorce or buried 6 feet under.
My father-in-law is going to bury me, kick some dirt on my grave and move on without the faintest care for having completely destroyed a life that really should never have been this involved with him to begin with under even the best of circumstances.
But I know that's idealistic! And it's hard to find a genuine, caring, selfless man. It's even harder when your schedule is so consumed with caregiving. But don't lower your standards. And don't consider yourself undesirable.
I would say keep up faith that you will find the right person for you.
Get out there and live your life and stuff what people think any guy that had a problem with my "job" at the moment isnt worth dating! Worrying about will i or wont i get this illness will put you in an early grave anyway! "if you worry you die and youre going to die anyway so why worry?".
I lived by myself for a year but moved back in w/ ex ( I know, I know), but I was extremely lonely and had no real social outlet or support. I wanted to still help out with his dad still, cooking meals, plus we have a dofg and 2 cats whom I love very much ( I love them more than I do hubs and dad), but now I feel the same as you-everything evolved around dad. His dad was amean mouthed emotional abuser to his wifeand ex is the same way with me.
I'm making plans to move up to my home and be with my family, around people who care for me,my mental health is at stake. I haven't decided to drive or fly up to Illinois from Texas. It's a very long drive- I'm thinking 3 days.
I just get emotionally abused and called stupid the other day when he had freinds over. He made me look like a fool. I have no interests in his life.
I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you worriedaboutdad, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm torn between thinking that I did something stupid for moving back or commendable for wanting to help him with his dad.
I'm resentful and I really don't feel appreciated these days,. I don't event talk to his dad anymore because he can't hear anyway although he wears a hearing aid.
I'm open to suggestions on what is the best way to get out of here. My finances are limited because I'mon disability for my back. I think this relationship is exascerbating my back issues so I want to see if I'll find relief by leaving.
good luck to you worried.
I have only started to feel happy again, once I rediscovered the joys of physical exercise. When I'm feeling upset/frustrated or angry, I'm able to play pickleball until I'm tired and those emotions are gone. Now I'm also taking up golf with my pickleball "posse" and I'm thrilled. Physical exercise has saved my life and my soul. It makes me happy. I was lost for years and now I've found my spark again. I'm even starting to think about guys again...but haven't done anything more than think about it so far. But I feel so much healthier and happier with physical exercise that I love.
Worriedabout, you can do it. You know you need another path! Good luck to all of you/us.
My social life is virtually nonexistent. I haven't had a conversation with anyone for months. Mom makes no sense when she speaks. She is also extremely hard of hearing. She ruined her hearing aid by running it under the tap for who knows how long. My brother has severe aphasia and is only able to speak maybe 3 words at a time, if he's lucky. I can go for hours without hearing the sound of my own voice. Family and friends no longer contact me.
At times, it's a lonely existence. However, I would not change the past 5 years. I cannot change my brother's and mother's situation. But, I can make it more bearable for them. As long as I'm able to care for them both, I won't send either to a NH.
Having a relationship with anyone is not even on the table for me. I would not expect anyone to take on this responsibility. If I survive both my mom and brother, my life will definitely become different. Then and only then, I might consider finding a companion.
DO NOT tell yourself you are unworthy, especially for being a caregiver. I fell into that way of thinking very young when I was diagnosed with lupus. "Who would want to be burdened with me?" This is one of my biggest regrets! It is easy to slip into that thought process. Don't let yourself! And take a lesson from me - do not let your mom take over your world. Get someone to help early on and preserve your freedom and sanity.
I wouldn't worry about Alzheimer's. That's something that could potentially affect anyone. Plus they are doing research in that area. Best wishes!
You are worthy of dating and love. If I were a single man,(I'm a married woman), I would think the opposite! You are obviously a very caring and giving person. Just because your mom has Alzheimer's, doesn't mean you will get it. I agree with your thoughts on genetic testing. I wouldn't want to live with the knowledge that I would most likely get the same disease. This is definitely a case where ignorance is bliss.
It sounds like you have sacrificed a great deal to take care of your mom. For that you should feel proud! What you are doing should be applauded and I wish you could appreciate yourself the way you deserve to be appreciated. Sometimes in life we have to be our own cheerleader. Try to keep that in mind when you're feeling down. Don't beat yourself up, lift yourself up! If caregivers were rewarded monetarily they would all be very rich. Unfortunately, most are very under appreciated. This online forum has given me a lot of encouragement. I try to look at it everyday. It buoys my spirit, especially on those "down days" we caregivers all have. I often remember what my dad used to tell us. "This too shall pass". It helps me get through those days when I feel like i can't do this another day!
Hang in there. You're not alone.
I just read a study that said when a man has an illness, his wife or girlfriend will stick with him, but the same is not true for women who have an illness.
I feel that the same may be for female caregivers. I have stopped trying. I don't have the energy to even go on a date, frankly. My health is worse too.
(Just because a family member has Alzheimer's doesn't mean you will have it too.)
I really feel for those of you who are dealing with dementia, as my parents are just now starting to show some signs. I know it is really rough to deal with a brain disorder and the mood swings.
I also think that it's good to know right off the bat what type of character you are dealing with - I know people who never wanted to help look after anyone else, and now they need help and want people to look after them! Not the kind of guy I would want.
so I will hire in what is needed and if other family members object so sad too bad, you no help you loos any say in what I decide to do. I strongly suggest that all of take this stance. It was strongly suggested by my Dr.'s as they are seeing my health diminish and my finances and social life too.
PS: Neither of the parents I am caring for raised me. Father left my mother when I was two and she placed me in a group home after she remarried when I was 12.
I learned that no matter what I will never have a child parent relationship with them and now it is time for me to go live my life and leave them in the care of professionals. No guilt, no anger just doing what is best for all of us.
More cheerfully, I could also point to at least two straight men I know who cared for their elders over many years, and put their personal lives on hold while they were doing so. One is happily married, the other never found a lifelong relationship and, at over 80 himself now, is not likely to. But the point is that there are men who will understand and appreciate the value of what you are doing; or, to look at it the other way up, do you really want to have a committed relationship with a man who doesn't care about you enough to fit into your life, or share your sense of duty to your parent?
Re-reading your post: I think you just need to hang out with nicer, less self-absorbed men. And maybe you're feeling generally insecure, that awful, gradual draining away of your self-confidence? Seven years is a long sentence. Perhaps it would be a good idea to look around and see what you can include in your life that would connect you with new friends generally, and let the romance happen when it will.
As for whether potential boyfriends would eye you suspiciously if they knew your mother had AD… pfft! Nonsense. Unless your mother developed the disease extremely young, it's far too distant for that kind of calculation; and if we all refused to date anyone who had dementia in the family the restaurant industry would collapse.
guess I've vented enough. Thx for reading.
I'm not unhappy being single, and I've found that I'm a better person when I'm on my own vs. being accountable to a man. There are some people who just can't be alone, and require someone to be in their lives at all times - I'm not one of those. I do get lonely, of course - I'm only human - but for the most part, I'm ok with being alone. Mom probably has several more years ahead - possibly up to 20 years - so I guess I'll see where I'm at when the time comes. I suspect I'll work until retirement age and then maybe volunteer at the local animal shelter or something to fill my time. Animals - those I can trust. :-)
Here I sit in old shorts and a tshirt, hair sticking up and I don't have the ambition to do much of anything this afternoon. I am DONE and I will not be going to the NH for at least a week, if not more. Now to give myself a shake, do some cleaning and take a shower. It;'s lovely outside and after my shower I'll pour a glass of wine and veg out on the deck taking in the peace and quiet across the fields.
As someone else also said above, friends drop by the wayside when you're in our situation. I've learned who my real friends are. I guess that might apply to men also; that a man who was worthwhile would try to just see me for me and not for the prison I'm in; in fact, might want to help me escape from it to some extent by being emotionally there instead of running. Have not met anyone who can, or is willing, to do that. I highly doubt I will.