If so, what have you said about your situation? I have been my mother's only care giver for going on 7 years. I moved to a new city to do so. I dated two different men, both knew what I was doing. I did find that after a period of time they grew inpatiant with my time to do things, as did I.
I feel like perhaps my time will end when I will be worthy of dating. I have no children, and will not. I know that at this point I just do not know what to say, if I were to meet someone. I worry that if one knows that she has Alzheimer's, they would feel I may be next in line. Who would want to date me. I know there is a test one can take, yet, I do not want to live knowing that I have the gene.Why live with that stress. I guess I just worry about so much day to day, about caring for her, I feel that perhaps I should not think of these things, or other days I am frustated. Thanks for listening.
I v only just woken up to wlat I have done to myself and now feel annoyed at myself mum dioesnt appreciate it and puts me down intront of others although doenst think she does. she did this towards my friend so she should know.
hmm iv woken up though and am applying to do a degree at uni but am not sure I v been wise enough to pick the right degree........help
There's pro's and con's to everything. We have to balance things as best as possible... sometimes, we have to 'force' this balance into place... I'm trying also... Forcing myself to 'engage' with others (with no ulterior motives)... And, pleasantly meeting some very nice people in my neighborhood... refreshing and healthy to get out of our 'box'.
Re: social life/dating/quality time with your significant other -- Lol!!! This must be similar to the shock that new parents must feel. Neither my husband nor I have much energy or desire to be romantic, or to entertain friends. We've grown closer, and probably have grown up, in ways we didn't anticipate -- so that's not a bad thing. But a few days ago, for instance, some friends came over, and we were hoping they'd cancel! But they didn't. We had a nice time, but they stayed a bit too late for me. And then Monday was back to work, and I was just exhausted, and thought "I don't want to have people over anytime soon again." We both fantasize about getting away, whatever that might entail. But there's no getting away for us until my mother is finally in Assisted Living. THEN, believe me, I will do something to celebrate!
It's pretty amazing what all of us endure here! Yes, Countrymouse, I hope we do all find a way out somehow. I just hope the light at the end of all our tunnels isn't THE light at the end of the proverbial tunnel!
Worried, that's awful - what a ruined evening. I would suggest something practical like getting a weekend away, but even if you could then what happens to spontaneity? Worse than children: at least those you can put over your shoulder and take firmly back to their beds. (Now I've made myself giggle imagining DH doing that to your FIL). I suppose all you can do is remember that it's equally disappointing for both of you, and rub each other's shoulder blades?
It is so true that dementia causes a return to needy childhood in its sufferers. My mother has a very hard time with me talking on the phone, very similar to a small child. And so we are the ones who lose out on what we need so often, it is true.
And countrymouse, thanks again for a laugh, omg, that is so funny; in the middle of the night no less he thought you'd want to know that. But I do understand what you mean about priorities and do understand, especially in light of worriedaboutdad's comment, that couples need to think really carefully about priorities. But I was thinking in terms of being a single person with few other options.
The other night, my DH and I had a mutual, unspoken desire to be frisky. We had not had any quality romantic time in months. Literally, months. My FIL has taken to becoming passive-aggressive to the point where it is so obvious it is almost laughable, only it always comes at our expense. We put some music on, lit a candle, had barely begun to talk and really just enjoy a night to ourselves and out comes dad, DH tried to head him off at the door, and his dad just walked right past him and made himself comfortable on another sofa and began his usual routine of sadness, head-shaking, lamenting, began almost crying. Meanwhile, I was sitting there like a little kid with my hands in my lap, understanding that our evening was lost. I eventually convinced him to go inside so I could put one of his netflix movies on. I set him up with drink, snack, the closed captions, HECK. Everything.
DH and I tried very hard to restart what had been the budding of something VERY good for our relationship with each other. And we managed to relax after a half hour, started to get frisky, it was oh so wonderful and so, SO overdue. And then come BRIGHT LIGHTS inside, his dad standing right on the other side of the door, exposing us to my horror, he acts like he doesn't see us but spends a ridiculous time in that room for no reason. All ruined.
Sorry. Just try to imagine what that feels like, for two middle-aged adults to feel so guilty and childlike for having a moment to themselves.
There is so much, SO MUCH, that just becomes ruined. For me, going from feeling like a grown-up to entering a situation where the adults feel like children and any manner of actions from an older person with dementia, who you want to take care of, robs you of the most basic feelings of privacy, it is just awful. And when I express unhappiness and want us to get our own place to have our own space, it is met with shame and guilt because I don't care as much about his parent as I would a biological parent.
It is so, so hard to have a normal life with normal limits when dementia just puts you in a whole new playing field and the spouse or partner is always going to have patience for situations that wear away at the other person and change the normal meter until they either leave or become severely depressed.
A couple should be centered. If one person, despite all the love in the world, realizes that the situation will always remain incredibly one sided, it should be expected that this is a breeding ground for future resentment and problems in a relationship.
My ex used to be *very* fond of calling me while he's "indisposed" (ie: in the bathroom) so that I can hear everything he's doing. I think it was his passive-aggressive way of telling me what he thought of me.
But I meant in the context of relationships, about priorities. There are people who put their SOs first, and there are people who put their parents first. Either is a valid choice for a person to make, although I think marriage vows are supposed to trump that; and I suppose in the model, married family the person and spouse could together choose to care for the parents (good luck to 'em); but it must show what's more important to you. Of course in the perfect world we wouldn't allow people to have to choose between things they love.
My ex SO sent me a text at twenty to four this morning saying he's feeling much better now that he's passing wind (he's in hospital, post-op, to be fair). Phew, 'cos I was lying awake worrying about that…
Corn, you know what? I'm really not in a hurry to start looking for another one!!!
But anyway... there are a lot of potential mates out there. Women are brought up with this idea that once they are past a certain age, no one wants them. That is about as true as what they used to tell women about having all their babies before 30 or they would have babies with birth defects. What "they" do to women's self-esteem is really unforgivable. The truth is that women can have babies as long as their body is able and that there are a lot of available men out there looking for a mature woman. The world is not Mad Men (1950s) anymore.
As someone else also said above, friends drop by the wayside when you're in our situation. I've learned who my real friends are. I guess that might apply to men also; that a man who was worthwhile would try to just see me for me and not for the prison I'm in; in fact, might want to help me escape from it to some extent by being emotionally there instead of running. Have not met anyone who can, or is willing, to do that. I highly doubt I will.
Here I sit in old shorts and a tshirt, hair sticking up and I don't have the ambition to do much of anything this afternoon. I am DONE and I will not be going to the NH for at least a week, if not more. Now to give myself a shake, do some cleaning and take a shower. It;'s lovely outside and after my shower I'll pour a glass of wine and veg out on the deck taking in the peace and quiet across the fields.
I'm not unhappy being single, and I've found that I'm a better person when I'm on my own vs. being accountable to a man. There are some people who just can't be alone, and require someone to be in their lives at all times - I'm not one of those. I do get lonely, of course - I'm only human - but for the most part, I'm ok with being alone. Mom probably has several more years ahead - possibly up to 20 years - so I guess I'll see where I'm at when the time comes. I suspect I'll work until retirement age and then maybe volunteer at the local animal shelter or something to fill my time. Animals - those I can trust. :-)
guess I've vented enough. Thx for reading.
More cheerfully, I could also point to at least two straight men I know who cared for their elders over many years, and put their personal lives on hold while they were doing so. One is happily married, the other never found a lifelong relationship and, at over 80 himself now, is not likely to. But the point is that there are men who will understand and appreciate the value of what you are doing; or, to look at it the other way up, do you really want to have a committed relationship with a man who doesn't care about you enough to fit into your life, or share your sense of duty to your parent?
Re-reading your post: I think you just need to hang out with nicer, less self-absorbed men. And maybe you're feeling generally insecure, that awful, gradual draining away of your self-confidence? Seven years is a long sentence. Perhaps it would be a good idea to look around and see what you can include in your life that would connect you with new friends generally, and let the romance happen when it will.
As for whether potential boyfriends would eye you suspiciously if they knew your mother had AD… pfft! Nonsense. Unless your mother developed the disease extremely young, it's far too distant for that kind of calculation; and if we all refused to date anyone who had dementia in the family the restaurant industry would collapse.
so I will hire in what is needed and if other family members object so sad too bad, you no help you loos any say in what I decide to do. I strongly suggest that all of take this stance. It was strongly suggested by my Dr.'s as they are seeing my health diminish and my finances and social life too.
PS: Neither of the parents I am caring for raised me. Father left my mother when I was two and she placed me in a group home after she remarried when I was 12.
I learned that no matter what I will never have a child parent relationship with them and now it is time for me to go live my life and leave them in the care of professionals. No guilt, no anger just doing what is best for all of us.