Sis is helping out a bit more regarding taking mom to the doctors office which is a great help to me. She said that she has been feeling so guilty so thats why she is doing it. She and her husband are still very nasty to me. So last year they said at Christmas that this will be their last Christmas up here with mom and me as they want to start spending the holidays with her husbands family and grandchildren. We were all relieved about this. So I asked my ex-husband if he would like to come over this year and he said yes. Prior to this year my sis said that if he was coming they would not be here and of course mom wanted sis which makes sense. Anyway so yesterday they were up here and stated that they were going to be coming up for Thanksgiving this year and I was shocked and said why? BIL son is having 20 plus people over there and they do not want to go now so because they have no where else to go they want to come here. I told her my ex was coming and she says oh thats ok. Then I told her I would have to talk to my sons who do not speak to her after all the bad behavior that she put us all through over the last year. She has been doing this to me my whole life and frankly I do not want them here at all. I told her I have to talk to my sons because it is up to them, its either her or them and if they won't come then I will cook dinner at my kids house. She said oh I will buy the turkey. Really? Then she says after all I have done for those kids I will just cut them out of my will. (its always about money and has been) I said well you already cut out my younger son months ago because he was sticking up for me and mom. As far as I am concerned she has burned all her bridges with my family and there is no amount of money that can change this. So here I was looking forward to a peaceful holiday and now I am not sure what the boys will say as its up to them. I will tell them I do not want her here but if they say its ok then I will try once again to make peace. Any advice?
You do not have to give a reason....If she calls and demands one, you could say, "Let me get this straight...you want a reason for us to not have you come on the holiday, right?" She answers, "Absolutely." You answer, "I understand what you want." Then change the subject and refuse to revisit it..
The feeling of self empowerment is worth it to me.
Can't tell if your sister is having a change of heart and wants to make up for her bad years by being nice?? but i know so many that do Christmas and/or Easter twice...
I think ba8alou has a good idea. You should be with your sons....as to the Will.
I look at if i ever get anything it's a "blessing", and i don't expect anything from my dad. If he uses it all up, that's why he saved his monies. (my dad is age 97) , my siblings are wonderful (not perfect, but wonderful), ...but totally take inheritance out...expect nothing, and you can see more clearly what to do.....
Sis, My family is going to celebrate Thanksgiving according to our original plan, which was made before you expressed an interest in coming. I know this will disappoint you since you were hoping to join us, but that is not going to work out. There are many restaurants where you can celebrate so I know you won't go hungry. - me
Don't do anything out of FEAR OBLIGATION or GUILT: FOG. Don't give reasons, don't give excuses, just say NO. Go about your life.
I would be insulted that she brought up her will. That would be enough to have her banned from my house.
We were glad we did what we did. It set us free thereafter.
I wasn't blessed with wonderful women in my life, so holidays are just things to have to get through. Having someone like your sister, fligirl, seems absolutely normal to me. She is your mother's daughter, so I would follow her lead. If people don't want to be there because someone that don't like is going to be there, they miss the meaning of the helldays... I mean holidays. :)
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Nothing is better than looking at these celebrations in the rear view mirror. I wish they could be like the Norman Rockwell pictures, but those pictures are ideals and not truths.
then came the gifts, OMG what to get for whom, and this was before computers were invented which meant actually going to the store or mailing off an order from a catalog and hoped it would come in time.... then wrapping all the gifts, oops got to get more wrapping paper and tape [oh no, OCD kicking in again can't decide on what pattern wrapping paper], standing in line at the post office and mailing those gifts out of town, this was also before the invention of gift cards....
then hubby would get a tree, his Christmas holiday chore was done :P
I had to decorate the tree, and run to the store for more decorations [here we go again with the OCD].... then clean the house for company, hubby thought what was the big deal, just put on fresh sheets.... [rolling eyes].... guess rooms clean themselves along with the bathrooms... and the cats changed their own litter....
I forgot to mention, I was working full-time....
then run to the grocery store, bake cookies, get meals planned, I hated cooking, I was NOT Martha Stewart, greet the guest, show them the guest rooms... and hubby wondered why I wasn't enjoying the holidays.... HELLO !!!!
You made plans around her plans, then she changes her mind, that's too bad. You want the holiday to be 'nice' quiet with close family, the two of you have grown apart. Good luck
If you're not doing this for Mom, don't bother with it. I would just tell her that you have your plans set and can't change them, at this point. In fact, I'd use this excuse for every holiday where she plans to visit.
As an alternative, send Mom to visit your sister. Or, have your sister visit (and stay in a hotel - not with you) when it's not a holiday and things are less stressful.
Holidays are just the worst time to get together when your family has these kinds of issues, says one who has a similar situation to deal with.
By the way, my mom and I have been invited to some of my friends house for Thanksgiving. She and I said "yes" and I will not change this for any reason. I told these friends I'd do anything they need to help them out - even run to the store for last-minute forgotten items - that's how grateful I am that I'm not cooking for anyone at my own house!