My sister has a bad background and been made the POA for both financial and health care for Mom. Any advice?

Dual poa

I'm not passing judgment, but worrying about the wellbeing of a parent is the ultimate sacrifice. I personally could never move far from that responsibility. Just like one wouldn't leave a diamond unattended for long periods and expect it not to go missing.

If anyone wants say in the caregiving, it's time to put up or keep quiet. You can't have 1% of the burdens and expect 99% of the say. That's just completely unreasonable. Unless there's true evidence of a crime being committed, it's a lot easier to give support than to remove your parents support without anything to take its place. That would also be selfish.

America is a country of freedoms and rights under The Constitution of these United States, and freedom of speech is one of those rights. The right to speak religion is a liberty and the scripture, God's prophetic word, is my freedom. So, unless the owner's policy is no mention of Scripture, I suggest you may benefit. .........

Please keep religion out of this site

I have two comments to make.

1. This thread is 10 days old and other than the initial post, Kathy12 has not been heard from. Where is she?

2. I don't think we can realistically count on much inheritance from our parents even if 90% of the estate is left to one person with the cost of taking care of parents and how long some parents live. I sure would not count of getting an inheritance from parents that will enable one to retire or to cover all of the money lost by many years of being out of the job market, earning money, contributing to one's own retirement, and paying into social security, etc.

MagPark, Great post!! It's even worse when you have "gut-alert" feelings AND actual evidence ... and still get no assistance from agencies. I am on my 3rd lawyer; we are supposed to be filing petitions in court very soon. In the meantime, per other suggestions, I will contact APS again and see if they are more willing to act now, since the abuse has been going on close to a year now.

Let's all just take a step back and breathe. I've read the opening statement and follow-up comments, and most of the responses are valid. It amazes me at "who said, she/he said. Then judgment sets in. None of you were there and don't have all the facts. Family dynamics is an interesting thing. We all have it!

About 17 years ago, my best friend (Father) and my dear mother were admitted into the hospital for food poisoning. I, living 2 1/2 hours away, divorced and raising my son alone, would at the drop of a pin get to them or any of my family if they needed me... no questions asked. Upon talking to Dad in the hospital, he said "you do not need to come. Once convinced, I stayed home. A few hours later I received the call that Dad (while in the hospital) had a heart attack and stroke ... in a coma and it wasn't looking good. Packed quickly all I could and headed home.

It was really bad. All the illnesses, surgeries, hospital stays, I was always there. Seeing him in ICU without responding was painful. I had to be strong. Not just for me, but for Mom, siblings, etc. My faith and "The Word" helps with that and the many troubles and trials we face. Always believing he would come through this, .... but he didn't and Dad died leaving behind a widow, our Mom.

It seems that after every tragedy, things can turn for the better or things can turn worse. You see it's all in the Family Dynamics.

Daddy was loved and respected by many people. He was a good father, husband, son and brother to his family. People loved him and he had many friends. A pillar and christian leader in his church. We had a wonderfully blessed father/daughter relationship. While planning
Daddy's funeral, my siblings took on unique personalities. Drama sets in. They wanted to take a low road and through hearsay, decided with mother that certain ones in the church wanted daddy dead. The devil is going to always take a hit when it can. That day, the enemy took his best shot. Mother was already vulnerable, the siblings were weak with emotions ... one brother lived far away and had no reality of mom an dad's life, and the other two sibling (brother and sister) didn't even attend mom/dad's church to have truths other than hear-say. My siblings decided no member in the church could be on program. I thought they had lost their minds. .... I was out numbered, and only with the help from the pastor's input, a young woman/member (my sister's classmate was allowed to be program. I couldn't believe it. My siblings played on mother's vulnerabilities. After the funeral every sibling went their way leaving mother with wondering church members and friends.

Time passed and mother grew lonely and depression sets in. My sister living in the same small town, decided to have mother move in. That wasn't working too well, sister's husband wasn't too fund of that. The other brother that lives there wasn't involved in her care, and the oldest brother who lived far away was not invested either. My son and I would come and visit...and so it seemed ok. But it wasn't.

Somehow, my sister decided to become POA and Executor of mother's will. I didn't see a problem with that at all. But, people need to be careful with such huge responsibilities. You see communication, transparency, love, and prayers should be apart of every decision with sound intelligent thinking. Because if you don't, resentment, anger, jealousy, and even hate will show its ugly head. Sometimes the one who takes on responsibility will feel entitled and chooses to do as they please without informing other siblings. Then there siblings that take sides and team against the other/s. There can
be unresolved childhood issues between the siblings. One may have married well or was the favorite of the siblings. I've seen and experienced it all, my advice is .... BREATHE!
STOP THE MADNESS, THINK and ACT ACCORDING TO WHAT GOD DESIRES OF OUR OBEDIENCE. ...... Matthew 8:18-34, following
Jesus isn't always or comfortable; John 8:2-11, look at life through the eyes of Jesus - you'll see that the very things that divide us are judgmental behavior, jealousy, hatred, resentment, anger, low inner spirit and lack of
prayer with God is the what's thriving. The question is "What's more meaning under the sun/Son". Greedy people lose. Liars only deceive themselves. Haters are people who just never feel enough love.

When people do wrong, they will have to one day deal with the circumstances of the choices they make. In the meantime, life is too short. Live it while you can fully as possible. Do your part and pray for others. The high road you take will be blessed.

Hope all will be blessed.

Have a wonderful and Happy New Year

Very well said. It sounds like too Young For This is so resentful and bitter of their own situation, that everyone else's "motives" appear to look toward the negative side. People in general have one of four kinds of internal directives in life: one who lacks the experience to be mature because of young age, one who just doesn't care, one who mocks everyone else and one who is wise. The first and the last will usually take re-directional comments and suggestions from someone else to improve. But the middle two will react with either a not caring attitude or get hateful and angry at suggestions to re-direct their trajectory. Hence, no improvement. It would do us all good to look at these 4 tracks now and then and decide which way we are leaning; a good way to reassess our own personal processing of life, especially when we are in the stressful season of care giving of a loved one. Everyone, go outside tomorrow morning, for 30 minutes, sit in a chair on the grass, take your shoes and socks off and sink your bare feet into the cool grass and appreciate God's gift of fresh air to breathe, the quiet space to think and the birds of the air who do not toil nor reap.

CynTobbers, we can all agree that we all want what's best for our mom's. When I read TooYoung's words I felt so sad, I could identify with what she shared about her utter sacrifices for her mom. We all know what that means for our parents, to have one of our kids cwre for us. But you're right we need to focus back on the original question (which was?....). Actualy upon further reflection, we need more information about the OP, I hope she can write an update soon, and isn't scared to do so. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers, all many miles away, they never bother to take a burden from me for so little as one DAY.....it is quite a Journey. Sometime towards the end I know they will all be bugging me for their (little) inheritance checks.

Dear Too Young For This… you are way out of bounds! You know nothing more about this situation than what is in the opening and like a few others are making some very harsh observations about someone you don't know… I'm betting there is a lot more to this situation than applies to you and your situation, and yet your answer just vibrates with an anger bordering on a rage… if that's your situation then you aren't helping and THAT is the purpose of these boards… it's one thing to have a strongly worded, very emotional rant/vent about your own situation but your comments border on bullying… .I too an a caregiver of my elderly Mom with dementia… .it is a 24/7 job and while I have days when she d*mn near shoves me over the edge, I would never denegrate someone else not dropping everything and step into the caregiving situation… .I have 3 brothers who only call once or twice a year and 2 sisters how have washed their hands of caring for Mom because of years of really bad behavior… then why am I caring for her… some days I have no idea why… caring for my mother does not make me a saint and my siblings sinners in my book… so I personally am not goung to throw stones at someone else! Just saying!

I must admit, when I read some of the comments from people asking for help, but who "live too far away to really see what's going on", all I can do is shake my head. It's like they want to stay where they are, have someone else do the work (for free) to validate their suspicions & reap whatever benefits they can. Give me a break.

Yes, there is a "process" to make you feel more comfortable about the situation.

If your mother is that important to you, and you are very concerned about what is going on & if you think your sister is taking advantage of her & bilking her out of her money, you need to take some vacation time, or FMLA time from work(that you are entitled to under federal law), get yourself to your mother's house & see what's going on with your own 2 eyes instead of speculating & making assumptions. That's the "process". It is not "impossible" to do that----you just don't want to do it, which makes it impossible. It seems as if you're mad that the will is being changed because there is a substantial amount of money involved. Maybe your mother decided to change the will because your sister moved in with her & sacrificed her own life to do so. Are you concerned that you won't get your "fair share" of your mother's money & that your sister will get more? Don't you think that your sister is entitled to more if she moved in with your mother & is taking care of her? Or do you think that you're both entitled to an equal amount, even though you live 600 miles away, are not taking care of your mother & think your job is more important than she is? When did you see your mother last, and how many times a year do you visit her? When is the last time you spent a week's vacation visiting your mother?

Unless you are willing to move to where your mother is to take care of her or move her in with you & make the ultimate sacrifice for her, you're going to have to accept the situation for what it is. I quit my very good paying job in NYC to move near my elderly mother about 6 years ago. It was that important to me. And guess what? Mom changed her will, leaving me 90% of the assets and my 2 brothers get whatever is left. She made me POA as well. I am with her 24/7, have to deal with all kinds of medical issues, as well as basic life matters such as making sure she has food that she likes to eat, driving her to doctor's appointments, cleaning the house, etc. My mother realizes that I made the ultimate sacrifice for her that neither one of my 2 brothers did. They would have just thrown her into a nursing home.

What do you mean when you say that your sister "sucks" people into her "web"? And, more importantly, why do you care? For someone that lives 600 miles away, you sure know a lot about what's going on with your sister.

Unless your nephew is living with your mother, you have no reason to worry about that. And, here's something else----if he was let out of prison & served his sentence, he deserves the chance to be a productive member of society without being judged for the rest of his life. People do get rehabilitated. Stop being so judgmental. You don't say how long ago he was let out of prison. If he's been out for a substantial amount of time, perhaps you should take a look at what he's done since then instead of criticize him. If he has kept his nose clean, found a job & has been working steadily without any problems, he deserves a break. People make mistakes.

It's funny how people become concerned about what's going on with their elderly parents when there is a threat to the inheritance & their "share" of it. Not being concerned about the quality or level of care that they are receiving, or worrying about if they are able to get to doctor's appointments or if they can get their medication or if they are able to cook for themselves but becoming so "concerned" when another sibling steps in & because they might get a bigger share of the assets at the time of death is ridiculous.

What does your mom want? It's possible she could move closer to you so you can oversee her care. Adult protective services can check on her if you feel someone is taking advantage of her. There is a large number of family members that often neglect, abuse and exploit their loved ones. Sometimes it happens innocently then spirals out of control. I'm not saying she would do this, but with a background of taking advantage of others, it's suspicious. It never hurts to ask questions and check on things. Are there any other family members close to your mom? Maybe they can check in on her. Does she have dementia? If so this makes it worse because she may not be able to make your sister her POA.

Hi MagPark - I know EXACTLY what you mean about the "gut alert" It can be really agonizing to be watching things unfold as 'normal' when you have the "gut alert" beeping. It is good to see that justice prevailed in your case.

Whenever there are questions regarding the suspected abuse by another family member, it is neither wise nor helpful to anyone to be accusatory toward the person who is asking for help. After all of my 7 months last year of desperately trying to protect my mother and her assets, I know from experience that most of the time all a person has is a "gut-alert" feeling in the pit of the stomach that something is terribly wrong - but having no "factoids" to prove anything (factoids are the pieces of information that we sometimes do not have, but are the same pieces of information that would keep people like ferris1 and carebill off the accusatory track). When I suspected inappropriate advances by my mother's much younger friends, I called my mother's trust attorney and he gave me all of the needed support necessary to take care of the problem. When my mother-in-law was in the hands of my sister-in-law, and we only had "gut-alert" feelings, my husband and I began praying and by an act of God the bank uncovered the sister-in-law's years of embezzlement from her mother's accounts - and using her dead father's credit card for advances from a casino; the sister-in-law had never submitted the death certificates to the bank, etc., after her father's death. The police wanted the sister-in-law. But my husband said, no. To rectify the situation I wrote a legal-looking document which stated that the sister-in-law had removed X amount of dollars from her mother's bank account, and that amount of money would be deducted from her inheritance at the death of her mother. We made the sister-in-law sign and date it. It became a legal document which we then gave to my mother-in-law's trust attorney. The sister-in-law was immediately taken off of all legal binding documents of care for her mother, and the lawyer replaced her name with that of my husband's name. If you are not the one in the situation, do not judge others as being selfish, jealous or greedy. Back off! These situations are gut-wrenching and the last thing any of us need is to be falsely accused. An apology to Kathy12 would be a wise choice.

Shelbydoze, if what you say is true, I'm very surprised APS and the lawyers could not come to a good conclusion for your mom. But if you are co-POA, then you can un-do everything your brother does ( which is why most POA are a single person). Maybe you've gotten bad advice or incomplete, from the lawyers. If you are POA it is your duty to protect your mom and pursue justice, using a different lawyer and make another inquiry with APS, or file a claim in Family Court. I'm not a lawyer but sonething doesn't sound right with your description of the problems, and the lack of response by APS.

I hear everyone say to contact APS, but when I reported my brother to APS for financial exploitation (while my mother lie in a hospital bed, incapacitated), they did nothing. I offered documentation; they said they couldn't do anything. My brother and I are both POA, yet he has spent over $160,000, without my permission and behind my back, and is remodeling my mother's home ... which is where he is living without paying one cent. When my lawyer requested an accounting from the Estate attorney, to put a stop to the financial abuse, we were met with a litany of excuses. 11 months later: no accounting and no action by APS.

Maybe it's just APS in the state of California, but I have received no assistance at all. And, to top it off, my brother will not permit the hospital to follow my mother's advance directive and go on hospice, until he has finished all the work he is doing on the home (under the guise that "it's for mom, so she can return home"). He is keeping her alive, to keep access to her bank account and funds.

Any suggestions from anyone?

A word to the wise; It is incumbent upon you to fully understand the pros and cons of both guardianships, and conservatorships! Once done they are quite permanent.

It may be worth it for Kathy12 to take a week to visit, and consult with a reputable Edercare attorney.

A family member is living in New Mexico and has advanced Parkinson's. He is of sound mind and wants to return living with his long term girlfriend who is only interested in getting whatever money she can from him - he's in the system so there isn't all that much money. He has/had a severe bed sore requiring surgery due to her lack of care and there is illegal drug activity going on in that house. Can the family member actually be allowed to live in that house with all the negativity or would APS step in and remove him?

Unless your mother is incompetent, she has a right to appoint whomever she wishes as her POA. If you have documented proof your sister is "bad" then go to the police. Otherwise if your mother is being cared for without abuse there is not much you can do. Being jealous of another sibling is common, so back up your allegations with proof BEFORE you start making false claims.

Mon2014 - APS will obtain all financial records to see if financial abuse and neglect was happening and in this case it appears to be. $6000.00 a month for care while she is living in their home is clearly abuse. My sister just stole my fathers total estate by having hm change his will without anyone's knowledge. People are just rotten!!

I'm confused. You say your sister moved in with your mother with her husband -- do you mean the sister's husband or your mother's? -- and bought a new house. Which is it? Did she movie inw ith your mother or ito a new house? Also, your sister shouldn't be be held responsible for the criminal actions of your nephew, especially if he is not involved with your mother's care.You say it's impossible to oversee how your mother is being taken care of since you live so far away, so how do you know if she is being exploited/abused/neglected? -- the three things APS looks out for. Maybe your sister is actually doing a good job. Just because you obviously dislike or don't trust your sister doesn't mean she is a lousy caregiver. Have APS investigate but you had better have solid reasons for bringing them in.

Hi Mon2014, Good question. I didn't see a report, just heard how the estate lawyer summed it up to me. There were several factors. First my sister was demanding a high level of compensation for care, and my parents were in good shape. Based on this the lawyer asked for a care management assessment to be done. The assessor said she noticed some weird stuff and she is state-mandated to convey to APS any suspicions she has about how care is provided. Based on that APS came in, inspected and issued an ultimatum. I would be interested to have seen a report and know exactly what the state based their decision on.

Sleepless44, What specifically did APS find? I can't imagine your sister was helpful with the investigation which would make it difficult to find things of a financial nature.

Hi Kathy12,
I was in a similar circumstance. I second GraceH's suggestion to be in touch with Adult Protective Services. I spent a lot of time and money investigating the issue and options. My sister started off with an attorney sympathetic to her side, so set her up with the POA, executor to will, and a $6000/month 'care' salary from my parent's estate. After trying to challenge this, in the end my parent's estate attorney (different from the earler one) got concerned about the situation and had Adult Protective Services come in and do a home assessment. APS didn't like what they saw and gave my sister and her family a 10 day ultimatum to leave. She was then removed from all financial areas regarding my parent's care.

If you have verification (documentation) of what you are claiming, then call Adult Protective Services in your mom's county & state, and provide them with all the documentation. IF this is all true, they will be able to dissolve the poa's and also assign a court-supervised Guardian.