My brother who is 84 is caring for my sister-in-law who has Alzheimers. I would say she is pretty far along in the disease. I live over 500 miles away. He is getting where he cannot deal with everything. He has the upkeep of their home, meals, laundry and the care of the home on the outside. Everytime he mentions moving to my sister-in-law's she says she does not want to. She is at the point she does not even remember she has any children. I am afraid for her if something happens to my brother. They could move to an independent care facility now, if it would not set her back. The care-giver is important in the whole scheme of things as well as the patient I would think. Thanks
My boss when though something similar as his wife had Alzheimer's for 15 years and it the last few years that were the most demanding. He was lucky to find a caregiver who was at the house for 12 hours each day so that he could be at work. His wife enjoyed her company and help. He would take over the night shift, but usually he only got 3 to 4 hours of sleep as there were bathroom mishaps that required fresh sheets and showering of his wife to get her clean. He was so devoted to her but it was exhausting him big time.
Independent Living facilities are pretty nice. My Dad lived in one, he had a nice 2 bedroom apartment. He did have his own private outside caregiver who came in in the mornings to help him shower, get him dressed, get him to breakfast, and tidied up the place. The rent for his apartment included weekly linen service, housekeeping, and daily meals. And the cost per month was less expensive then having a caregiver being at the house most of the day.
It all depends if the IL facility would allow your brother's wife to be in that wing. He would need to find a facility that offers of optional care at a cost, which he probably would need for his wife.
It was the best move and there was no downside for us. Each person is different, but, if your brother is ailing himself and is 84 years old, I'd make some plans pronto. If he were to fall or become ill, she'd be in a bad situation, without a backup caregiver. Plus, caregiving is extremely hard work, even for a young able bodied person.
I wish you all the best. I know it can be very stressful. Please post as to how things go.
I think as long as your Brother is with her she will have less of a problem adjusting.
Just have everything set up when she walks in so there is not a lot of commotion around her as well as a lot of strangers.
From what you describe I think Assisted Living would be better suited since he will need help. Memory Care might even be better. And I know some places have allowed a spouse to move in with the person with memory issues. But Memory Care would be safer if she begins to wander. Assisted or Independent Living facilities are not locked where Memory Care areas are.
Your Brother NEEDS a break, he needs someone to help him with your S-I-L. I have attended several seminars and one of the things that I heard in each is that statistics show that often the caregiver dies before the person they are caring for due to stress, ignored illness. He needs to realize that while he may do the best job caring for her he can not do it alone and that others will do a very good job and he needs to get away for a while each day or at best several times a week.
Your brother should keep in mind that his stress, exhaustion, and/or frustration as a dementia caregiver affects his wife. So even though she will have trouble with the change, if he puts them in a situation that is much better for him, that's very likely to benefit her.
Personally, I find that it's not usually very useful for spouses to spend a ton of time discussing this with their spouse with dementia. (Assuming the spouse has more than mild dementia and can't be expected to make the decision or properly weigh the pros/cons; sounds like this is his situation.) He already knows how she feels about it. He won't be able to convince her to feel differently. If they can afford a decent residential facility and if he thinks that would serve their needs best, he can focus on supporting her through the change and transition. Good luck to them and you.
Your SIL will adapt if she is moved WITH her hubby and he eases her into the move by visiting before, asking her advice about furniture placement, etc. Just b/c she has dementia doesn't mean she doesn't have an opinion. (BTW, I am 60, hubby is 65--we are hardly "elderly" but he acts 90. He is not retired yet, thank goodness, so I want to move before he does!!)
A person with dementia may decline in the same environment with little new stimulation and social interaction.
A person with dementia may decline if they are separated from a spouse or familiar caregiver.
A person with dementia may decline if their spouse or caregiver is stressed out from the caregiving.
The fact is, people with dementia decline. It is the nature of the cruel disease. Naturally no one wants to do something deliberately to make things worse, but trying to prevent decline may not be the soundest basis for decisions.
Definitely the caregiver's needs must also be considered!
At 84 even having help may not ease his responsibility. If he is willing to move, then help him do it. She no longer can think reasonably or make decisions about her care. I think at this point, an AL maybe better.