I see my sister in-law as wanting all the glory. She gave me and her brother all the days of caring for my husband’s parents, not even telling us that they had Alzheimer’s and Dementia. She is the nurse and she never told us that they both had the illness. We went through so many problems with them until we found out on our own. Sister in-law would take them to the doctors and wouldn’t let us know about their medical problems. She is the POA and Trustee and gloats about it. She recently took mom to live with her and uses mom to pay for her loans and other bills. All she tells us is that she is doing what mom wants. When we ask mom, she would say I have to ask my daughter. We know mom is not in her right mind but, sister just keep taking advantage of her. She wants all the glory.
And if the goal is to stretch moms money out, then that contract should be limited.
If we were all paid like 23 an hour for having the senior live with us, we’d be making theoretically over 200k a year on the caregiving alone. Plus assuming sil is single, half of her annual living costs.
That btw should also apply to you for the time you had mil with you.
Whatever sil is charging, what happens when that money goes away? What happens if she gets sick or becomes too disabled to do this? Or dies? If she is expecting you to be involved, you can’t go into this blind.
The Adult Poop diapers?
The constant shadowing?
The questions that repeat EVERY TWO MINUTES?
The anxiety that makes a person with dementia pace for hours on end?
The getting up in the night, because the patient is afraid?
Again, which glory would that be?
Also wondering how the OP knows for a fact that this SIL is 'taking advantage' of her mother and that her mother is 'paying for her loan & other bills' etc. Hopefully the OP is not taking the MIL at her word, with dementia at play..........
Plus, the mother SHOULD be paying her daughter SOME kind of room & board anyway. It sounds like the OP is full of nothing but bitterness & accusations against the MIL and the SIL after being relinquished of her duties as caregiver, which is what she said she was wanting all along!
OP, what WOULD make you happy here, exactly? What would the ideal situation be, in your view?
"I see my sister inlaw as wanting all the glory when she gave me and her brother all the days of caring for my husbands mom and dad".
OK, yes, I've had a SIL try to roster DH & I - she had volunteered to help but needed more hands.
Why offer help?
Because she cared?
To get the 'glory' of being thanked? Could be many reasons behind it & ways to view it.
Good clear communication sorted that all - we help as we can but set our own calendar, thanks.
I feel there is a lot of hurt & bitterness from the OP here.
SIL has now taken on the full-time caregiving role? Yet I feel there isn't gratitude or relief, but still hurt & bitterness.
What's the aim here?
Drama, demonise & blame? Or a well-working family supporting the aging parents?
No matter what it's being called the OP and her husband are off the caregiving hook and the SIL is doing all the work.
The OP should be grateful.
Just because you are a Nurse does not mean you have worked with Dementia patients and know how to deal with them. Or that you know what it is like changing pull ups. Why do you think they have CNAs in hospitals and NHs, they literally do all the dirty work. RNs are really not trained on the physical care of a patient. They are trained to do the administrative work. My daughter started out as an LPN, she worked with the patients. She cleaned up when no aides were available. She was tested on things in school but for the RNs it was "this is how you do it" practise a couple of times and on to the next thing. When I worked, my Dept head held a BS degree in Nursing. She had to cut hours for the nurses so one got a p/t job in a NH. Med passes are usually done by LPNs but they wanted this RN to do them. She complained that is took so long that her other work got behind. My dept head asked her if she ever did med passes before and the answer was No. My dept head was coming up on retirement and was shocked that this RN had not been trained in meds passes.
So, give ur SIL a little slack. She has taken on a big job. Maybe asking where you can help will keep her from saying "look who has POA and trustee".
If you know for sure she is using Moms money for her personal loans, then this is something ur DH may want to look into. If the POA and trust say she gets compensated a certain amount and thats all she is using, then nothing you can do about that. But if sister is using Moms money with no legal contract in place, it could cause a Medicaid penalty down the line. It also could be reported to SS because that has to be used on Mom again unless there is a contract in place.
Stop being so petty and make an effort to work as a team for MIL's benefit. You have no rights to know her medical condition, although your husband might have a slightly better argument for knowing. However, since he's not POA, even he doesn't really have a "right" to know, but it'd be nice if he could be in the loop.
Make nice with SIL, as she holds all the cards in this. Otherwise, you'll get nowhere. Your suspicions are just that -- suspicions -- so if you continue to snipe at her, you'll have no luck.
None of this has to be done for free and Medicaid understands that. So instead of charging mom weekly or monthly for her room, board, caregiving, and POA services her daughter buys a car or pays one off (that is also used for mom's benefit and care), she can.
I didn't so much as make a phone call for free when I was my father's POA. I charged for everything and kept excellent records of how many hours per week or month were spent making phone calls for him, going to he nursing home, doing his laundry, and everything else. No one has to do for free.
Sorry, but that's on the two of you not your SIL who is doing all the work of caring for them.
In what way do you think your SIL is taking advantage? Your MIL moved in with her and she is not only providing her with room and board, she is also providing caregiving services to her.
Is she supposed to do this for free to preserve potential inheritance for her son (your husband) and through him for you?
It makes sense for her to be the POA and trustee because her mother lives with her and she is her sole caregiver. Your husband her son or you her DIL, do none of the caregiving.
I will tell you something and I hope you heed my words because I was an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years and got roped into caregiving for my mother.
Your SIL is not gloating and you and your husband would do well to not runs your mouths about it. You two are getting off easy considering that neither of you have to take on any of the caregiving responsibility.
So if putting up with your SIL gloating a little or maybe paying some bills with "mom's money" (which is being used for her care), let her. Then count your blessings that you're not cleaning can and babysitting for an elder with Alzheimer's.