Sister-in-law's want my father-in-law to go back home on hospice to die but he's totally unmanageable!
FIL in respite care for end stage prostate cancer, bone mets, falls. Background: 85 year old father in law was diagnosed with prostate cancer 1 1/2 years ago. He was estimated 3 to 6 months to live. He is morbidly obese, on coumadin for 40 years and suffered a heart attack in August. He has a tumor in his spine and bone mets throughout his body. He has broken a bone just showering with no trauma. Edema in his legs has caused his flesh to break. He requires leg wraps twice a day and also is incontinent. He recently went on hospice and they are thinking he needs a catheter. He has had three falls in six weeks, once he fell hard enough to dent the sheet rock and make a hole in the wall. EMT's were called twice resulting in ER visits. Survived that, but extremely unhappy in AL. He has another week paid for in AL and is MAD about that. Just wants to go home to live alone! Huge mobility issues will make it difficult.
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It sure gets tiring dealing with all those family members who are so free with advice and demands....all the while being unwilling to actually do anything with their own hands.
But here's an odd thing. Many people who are actually dying undergo an abrupt change of mind, and want to get themselves to hospital in a hurry, or at least to a facility where every possible medical intervention is available. I'd call it panic except that it seems to me to be an entirely rational response to the ultimate crisis.
I got into a fight about this subject on my old school's Facebook forum. A well-known, long-serving member of staff had died, and her non-participating great nephew had posted criticisms of her health care team (professional - she had no close family) to do with her being taken to hospital against her will, what a sad end, how terrible that they didn't protect her wishes etc etc blah blah blah. I pointed out that she had been found acutely ill and in terrible pain, and her consent to being admitted had been given. He replied that I obviously didn't know his great aunt. Actually I knew her better than I'd wish on anyone and thought her a tyrannical and sadistic cow; but given that I therefore wasn't very objective I refrained from commenting further.
But Windy, in your FIL's case it is different because he himself wants to go home. Take that as the starting point, then "SIL meet FIL, FIL meet SIL, she agrees that you should go home and she will therefore be assuming full responsibility for your discharge arrangements, in-home care and palliative treatment. Best of luck!"
What is your husband's stance on all of this? He would be the one to make fil and your sil's "die at home" dreams to come true, right? Is he planning to move in with his father? What is his plan? How does it involve you? If he acquieses to his father and sister's "die at home" wishes, then it's on him to make it become a reality. NOT YOU. Of course, I know this is easier said than done (I have my own issues with boundaries with my mother).
My FIL has been in AL for three weeks. It was presented to him as respite care after a nasty fall at home where he laid on the floor for four hours. One of my sis-in-laws just happened to drop by and found him. 911 had to be called to get him off the floor as he is nearly 300 lbs. He is too much for one person to handle.
Prior to that, he spent 12 hours stuck in his recliner as he could not get up due to weakness. Once again, one of the kids discovered him. He was a soiled mess. The crazy thing is that he had his cell phone right next to him and a life alert type pendant on him that he didn't think to use. He is not rational though in many ways he seems very cognizant.
My husband has five sisters. All but the one I mentioned above are local. One sister visits FIL daily and she is on the same page as my husband. Seeing his care needs on an everyday basis has made her realize he needs full-time care by a team of people. The others wish to fulfill dad's wish to die at home and operate on emotion, not reality.
CTTN55, Yes, I am still looking after my mother in AL. She's been residing in AL for 5 1/2 years. My husband and I take her out to lunch weekly and to all appointments. He's a dear to do that as he works full-time at a stressful job. Thank goodness for a lot of vacation hours at his disposal, though it's not always easy to take time off work. We are no spring chickens and can't imagine being pulled into dad's daily care on top of everything else. FIL's care needs are just too great.
I think your SIL's ought to leave well enough alone and just enjoy visiting him in his AL place. Given his weight and his history, bringing him home would be a mistake, IMO. He needs a team of trained professionals to help him.
That is exactly the point that we are trying to make with SILs and FIL. SILs think hiring a group similar to Visiting Angels 24/7 is the solution. I pity the poor caregiver that is assigned to watch over him. It WOULD be impossible.
On top of all that, FIL is insistent that he can go home without any caregiver assistance. He's not being rational at all.! That's what is driving us crazy. The SILs are allowing dad to run the show when he is not operating from a realistic point of view. They are all still trying to please daddy and one up themselves about who cares the most. It's extremely frustrating and upsetting for my normally easy going and kind husband.
You could try to have one more sensible conversation, but I would let the Hospice Social Worker, and Head Nurse, know where you stand. Hopefully they wil be able to talk some sense into them. Having him in a facility especially an Assisted living facility, he will be getti better end of life care, and everyone will be able to go to him, and visit, taking the stress of the hands on caregiving, off of families hands. Good luck, and I will be thinking of you during this most difficult time!
Many times this just is not possible so you have to make the best decisions possible for your loved ones. If FIL has been in AL for some time this is now his home and he may be happy to remain where he is if the necessary care is available.
Tough conversation with FIL ahead. I still have my mom in AL. So much negativity. Life is hard enough with her. Oh my gosh! When do WE get a break
Treasure the fact if your elders have long term friends available to them. I'm not so fortunate. Anyway, FIL's friend was able to get through to him about his many falls recently and he would not wish for him to be alone. Later in the day, a home care agency told him that his care is out of their range of abilities and responsibility. In short, he is beyond home care.
My husband told me it went as well as can be expected. His dad is upset but resigned. Told them to sell his place and settle his things. They all had dinner together at the AL and talked about settling him into his own little apartment at the AL.
HUGE sigh of relief as anyone can imagine! Thank you so much for your support AC friends. There will be rough days ahead but a least he will have a team there 24/7. I feel so fortunate for everyone involved having gone through my own dad's terminal cancer without that kind of care for two months. Hospice was a blessing but they are there rarely unless called and my mother wouldn't let us more often than not.
Prayers for all of you going through hard times with stubborn family. I'm sure ours are not over but a least this decision was made with not total angst and drama.
My thoughts are with all of you and again many thanks for your kind advice!
It's been resolved. FIL is staying at the AL. Goofy SILs decided he should move to a 2 bedroom suite though to the tune of $9,150 a month! Though he is on hospice, that is not being a good steward of his financial situation in my mind.
He lives in his recliner, does not need more than one room. In their mind, the second room will be a place to lounge and chat, a family room of sorts. At $2,000 a month!!!
This may be unusual, but my mother lived at the exact same place for 2 1/2 years in a one room suite. It was $6,000 a month and there are plenty of places for socializing both public and private. I find it totally ludicrous that they couldn't wait two weeks for a private room to open up.
Still pleasing Daddy. His funds are limited. I've been managing my mom's funds for 6 years. As I said, we are their steward when it comes to managing their money. It turns my stomach how stupid they are about things regarding their dad. Can't say a thing though, only DIL.
Yes there is a whole seperate bedroom. Just silly in my mind as he just lives in one room. He has a hospital bed provided by hospice but never uses it. Just lives in his recliner. It's so sad.
If the girls would have had a little more patience, he could have had a private one bedroom suite saving 2 thousand a month. They needed to close down their cabin get away this weekend so booked the two bedroom for convenience.
I'm just so mad. They are having a good time at the cabin in the north woods and expect us to visit FIL. I assume other DIL who gets left out of everything visited him. My mother's 80th birthday was today. They can stuff it metaphorically speaking.