My mom is 96 yrs old. New York State. We live in New York and my sister has no cause for keeping us from our mother other then her greed and evilness. She cares nothing about my mom and is emotionally and verbally abusing her. My mom has dementia. she slips in and out of it and my sister confuses her more on purpose. Please help!!
How do you know so much about your mom's treatment in the home, if you are not allowed there? I'm just curious as I'm trying to mull this over in my brain.
I would keep in mind that with dementia, the patient cannot be relied upon in what they say. They may say they took a trip to Rome or rode a horse to the grocery store. They may claim someone is robbing them or that someone is mean, but it doesn't mean it's true. So, the statements about your mom might not be accurate either.
If you want to find out if your sister is your mom's guardian, then I would check with the Clerk of Court in the county where they live. Normally, that is a court action and there will be a file with the Petition and Order appointing the Guardian. Try the names of your sister and mother. And they normally have to file an annual Accounting of the person's assets and how their money is spent, along with checks, receipts, etc. They have to account for every penny. Having that information, might give you some peace.
You sound very anxious to take over your mother's care. Do you have the means to do this? It's a lot of responsibility. It takes a lot of money too, as the round the clock care of a dementia patient can require a lot of help, equipment and supplies, depending on their level of progression.
I would keep trying. It would be too sad to never be able to see her again.
You have done what some of us advised. You reported your concern to APS. They did not find evidence of abuse.
It sounds like your mother lived with this sister for many years, and before she developed dementia. Presumably if she considered her environment abusive she could have walked out at any time. Why didn't she?
If you could afford to pursue guardianship and you were awarded it, what would you do? Place mother in a care center? And then what?
I really think children should be allowed to see their parents (except in extreme circumstances). Sister doesn't want you in her house. Might she be open to letting you visit Mom in a coffee shop, for example? She could sit nearby but you and Mom could be alone. She is probably concerned that you might abduct Mom. Relieve those fears. You just want to sit and have a cup of coffee and a pastry with Mom! Ask your lawyer if there is some way to set up supervised visits, kind of like divorced couples sometimes have to do with children.
Yes, this is time consuming. But, it will do a couple things for you:
1. It will give you a record (in the future, complete with actual dates and times) of the conversations so that information cannot be construed (on either side) later. Sometimes, as time passes, we forget details that may be important later.
2. It will also give you a place to "dump", freeing some of your anxiety and that will help clear your brain. Anxiety can build and become mentally debilitating. Once you find your outlet, you might be inspired with new thoughts for solutions.
Could it be that your sister is overwhelmed with caring with Mom? How many years has your sister been Mom's caregiver? How old is your sister and what are her own health issues? She's probably between 60's or 70's. Does your sister have anyone to help her take care of her Mom, such as a paid Caregiver to come in for a few hours to give your sister a break?
Were you and/or your brother able to give your sister a respite so she could catch her breath from the caregiving? Such caregiving is a 168 hour week.