I have been a live-in caregiver for 5 yrs, and 18 mos ago asked brother (POAs) for meager compensation (below min wage) for the 120+hrs/wk I take care of Mom. I work 40 hrs/wk outside home. I've gotten answers ranging from family can't be paid caregivers to drop the 'attitude' you don't work 24/7, etc. Now my sister has jumped in the fray and said I should be paying Mom rent, and accusing me of viewing Mom a burden bc I am asking for help, both $ and 'shift' relief from siblings.
I can not get sibs (3) to agree to meager compensation I first asked about over a yr and a half ago (then $200/wk for live-in caregiving except for an outside 40-hr/wk job). I left a job in another state on a FMLA 5 yrs ago to help my mother. After many failed attempts at reasoning with them (and countless hurt feelings), a cost benefit anaylsis of the savings my presence/sacrifice has been to Mom, I can not get them to agree to meet with a mediator because they've continually dismissed my requests to greed. Very recently they agreed to paying me under the table (fraud) with no retroactivity, but have since pulled that off the table.
And most recently they are trying for the first time in a yr and a half to chip in and help out with Mom in 4 hr shifts M-F, 5 - 9 pm so I can have some time off after my 9-5 outside job, and some coverage on Sundays. Saturday coverage is still mine. It's about 40+ hrs that they've agreed to help cover. This attempt started on December 15th. I am covering almost half of those 40+ hrs as well as overnight coverage. It's been tense and awkward, but they are trying, right?!
My question is, since I have gotten NO WHERE in trying to reason with them, it was mentioned earlier that one could sue the estate upon her passing. Is that even possible? Is it possible without a caregiver agreement in place (bc they've refused that idea completely for various nonsensical reasons)? This would be my LAST resort, but might alleviate some of my stress and help me maintain focus while she's still with us.
You need to understand that the caregiver does have a job, and a very difficult one. Any caregivers that I know that are working, have home care come in while they are at work. Is caregiver getting paid for what he is doing? If not, he should be. What I would suggest is that you take two weeks of vacation from your job and do the caregiving job which will help you appreciate what the caregiver deals with on a daily basis. This will also provide him with some much needed respite and perhaps a new understanding between the two of you.
gladimhere noone can blame us for not wanting anything to do with them they nearly drove me to a breakdown.
the thoughts of bitchface out laughing and having dinner with a friend has made me ill with anger.
Hopefully my bro can keep us apart tomorrow? I havnt pulled her hair since we were 7yrs old but am tempted. I am so sick of her talking down to me and treating me like mums my job and when she visits she on holidays? oh dont even mention to mum as she says leave her alone she works hard all year..........how am I so strong? how come i havnt lost it yet? when will i lose it? the only thing that keeps me going is that I will be a happier person one day and as both my sisters are so materialistic they will never be happy!!!!
I told her we are having a meeting tomorrow re mum she said "oh what time as im meeting a friend for coffee"
I AM NOW TRYING TO CALM DOWN? my bro is arriving soon and thankgod hes here as I feel like slapping her. The carer was here for half an hour never met her before and said "well shes a great help". I am so nervous about tomorrow as she needs a bloody good talking to so, her mate for coffee is more important than her mums future care? When mum is gone I never want to see her again and I will tell her why. She even ignored the mums mess in the bathroom am so sick of her treating me like a hired help who the hell did she think was going to clean it up? fkn LADY MUCK all i have to hold onto is that I have some power over her if im going to look after mum then I will be calling the shots. I swear the next time she comes i will make sure shes here alone and force her to helpout shes a selfish B.
momhouseme, you are 100% correct that the non involved sibs are the biggest critics and do cause legal issues. BEEN THERE, DOING THAT!!
im just glad that my friend got to apologise to her sister even if it took 3yrs? My brother wants my other siblings to apologise to me after the way they treated me but im not hanging out much hope but when this journey ends I will find it hard to be in their company.
"If nothing else, WipedOut, you can bill the estate when she passes for your time. That would then require probate and your bros will not want that either."
With that said, you MUST do the same with a spreadsheet and work out the numbers. Send info in an email (TRACKING) and give them deadlines.
It will be tough. But you can't do it anymore and your mom needs more care and your siblings need to now own it.
Bless you.
I too care for my mother and have for about 7 years. I am considered permanently disabled, so I do not work outside the home however I do work 24/7 in the home. I have Financial and Healthcare POA's from my mother, so my siblings have felt like, well Mom likes you best, so you handle everything! I have done it for a long time because Mom was able to be left alone while I ran to the store or the doctor, but she is worse and I cannot leave her alone any longer. Her behavior has become more difficult to deal with and it is taking a very large toll on me, mentally, physically and emotionally.
I not only care for Mom but I take care of her house and property and I mean everything from painting to plumbing (and Im a girl) when it's needed, all to save Mom's money. The thing is this website has helped me to realize how much I am being taken advantage of in this situation. It's not that I did not realize what was happening all along, but I just kept stuffing it all down and not saying anything, basically allowing myself to be abused
Is your mother by any chance on medicaid? If she is you can be paid for taking care of her. Even if she isn't you can sign a caregiving contract that is binding to provide services to her and be paid. You may have to see an Elder Law Attorney to find out exactly how to do this.
You have to turn the tables on your brother and sister, they are trying to tell you that you owe your Mom her care, because she is letting you live in her house. You have to turn the table and say, "Because I am caring for Mom, I deserve free room and board and/or a salary."
Call some agencies and find out what they charge to have a caregiver come into your mother's home to care for her. Most are $25 per hour with a guaranteed 4 hour minimum. There are some people you can find who will work for $12 an hour as well but I am not sure what you would be getting. Get written information from all of them, even ask them to come to the house to talk to you so you can get them to write out just exactly what they would charge. Then call and find out just how much it would cost to put your Mom in an Assisted Living Facility and a Nursing Home. Once you have all of this together then you need to present all the information to your brother and sister and tell them....look either you can take care of Mom yourself, or you can put her in one of these facilities and pay between $7,000-$10,000 a month, or you can hire outside help at $25 per hour or you can pay me $--- an hour. I need compensation for my time.
Good Luck and God Bless!
I would agree that before you give up on them go away for a wk and get them to take over and just see how hard it is.
My siblngs have no idea whats ahead ive tried to get them here but a few days isnt enough to really see the reality of this. Good Luck!