I'm burnt out. In fact, I'm burnt to a crisp. My 84 year old mother has dementia. Although she still calls me by name, she doesn't have a clue that I'm her daughter (I'm just a "good friend"), she thinks her parents are still living, she thinks my father, who passed in 1989, is still living and last evening she was telling me some incoherent story about her brother and her sister.....but she's an only child. I know the things that she says and does are because her brain is lying to her & is telling her that things are real or true that truly aren't. I also know that she's not TRYING to stress me out. Still, I've been a 24/7/365 lone caregiver for 5+ years and the constant effort to keep her happy (she's quite demanding), keep her from wandering & field her continuously repetitive questions & anxities has worn me down, stressed me out & gotten me to the point where everything she says or does gets under my skin. Lately, I've been finding that I don't even want to hug her back when she wants one.
I'm burnt out. I know that I am. I even know HOW burnt out I am. I also know that one of the reasons why I'm SO burnt out is that I've been a caregiver my WHOLE life. I've been a nurse for 28 years, the last 5+ years while simultaneously caring for my Mom. I had to quit my job 7 months ago in order to be a full-time caregiver to Mom. I find myself feeling angry, isolated, resentful, physically tense and consistently tearful.
I know, for my sake, that Mom needs nursing home placement sooner rather than later. I've started touring nursing homes & getting all the necessary information to choose one. It might be another sign of how burnt out I am that when I think about placing her, I don't feel guilt. I actually feel a sense of relief......until I think about going back to work.....back to nursing. The thought of having to go back into ANOTHER caregiving role takes me INSTANTLY to tears again. I have no other viable skills....I've never worked in any other field...I'm single and have no other income....and I'm scared to DEATH that if I DON'T force myself back into nursing that I won't be able to pay my bills. On the flip side, I'm scared to death to GO back into nursing because a burnt out nurse is not a good nurse, nor a safe nurse.
Any other nurses out there that have reached critical mass & are SO burnt out that they don't think they can return to it? How did you "fix" your burn out problem?
Try to get care help in to relieve You three mornings weekly to allow You some free time for You. You will need to take a good long break before returning back to work, but for now take one day at the time.
What we all need to learn to accept is that even our families attimes will not and frequently refuse to provide any of the love and support that would help us, especially sibs. Why? Maybe they feel guilty? Is it easier for them to simply distance themselves from the situation? Is it too difficult for them emotionally to see the parents decline? Just some things to think about.
OMG, I can relate. You are not alone. I am the only child of my 92 year old mother who has moderate Alzheimer's dementia. Things are getting way out of control and she shows open disdain and hatred for me. I can't take it anymore and I am entrusting her care to an assisted living/memory care facility in one week.
As one nurse to another and one caregiver to another, change your situation SOON! Your letter is screaming for RELIEF.
From Wikipedia (you KNOW this but seeing it in writing may help);
Chronic stress is the response to emotional pressure suffered for a prolonged period over which an individual perceives he or she has no control. It involves an endocrine system response in which occurs a release of corticosteroids. While the immediate effects of stress hormones are beneficial in a particular situation, long-term exposure to stress creates a high level of these hormones that remains constant. This may lead to high blood pressure (and subsequently heart disease), damage to muscle tissue, inhibition of growth, suppression of the immune system,[1] and damage to mental health.
Can you see what it's doing to YOU? You can't kill the caregiver while assisting the demented. Your mother is at the end of her life but you have half a lifetime yet to live.
As daughters (then women and nurses), we are taught to always put the other person/patient ahead of ourselves. Many of us come from dysfunctional and codependent families and it's even more ingrained there. We are "programmed" to care for others. Society even puts in their two cents by expecting us to be the caregivers. We are bombarded from all sides.
Now comes the hard part, getting rid of the GUILT for NOT doing it. There should BE no guilt for placing your loved one in a stable, secure, nurturing facility where there are THREE shifts of caregivers to assist your family member.
Also, take one step at a time. Don't worry about returning to your nursing job right now. Find a suitable place for your mom and move her there. Block out guilty feelings by whatever means you can (I don't mean a bottle of wine every night :), but meditation, praying, reading, massage, visiting friends, relaxation breathing, etc. Realize that you gave it your ALL and, by placing your mom in others' care, does NOT mean you've FAILED. You successfully helped her to this point for the last 1,825 days!! Now it's someone else's turn because you need to nurse YOU back to good health.
You are looking at returning to work while still BEING a caregiver. There would be no way to do the two jobs at once. It's a possibility that, after your life has been returned to you and you are relaxed, the nursing job won't SEEM like care giving anymore. It could be the way it was prior to caring for your mom. There are some good suggestions above that would also take you out of "direct patient care".
Too many of us are loosing our health, marriages, relationships with children and friends, jobs, savings and sanity due to this thankless job. We've done the best we can.
The fifth commandment is Honor thy father and mother. To honor is to treat with respect, to do what's right for them. At this point, placing your mother is right for her. She will be well attended to by people who aren't near mental collapse.
Good luck and I'll be praying for you.