So, what do we owe our parents and other loved ones?
I think this is a question that people can only answer for themselves and their situation. In may case, I'm not sure that my answer won't change with time. Right now, want to give my mother the support she needs to keep as well as she can and at home for as long as it is feasible. I don't want to count on help from my brothers--one caring for father in law; one recovering from 20 year of caring for chronically ill (and unpleasant) wife; one with serious health issues. The only thing I think I owe my mother companionship (as cheerful as I can make it) if she goes into some sort of institutional care. (Institutional is a neutral word for me; both my daughters were in an orphanage before they came home, but if it is hurtful to others, please let me know a better word or phrase.)
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Not everyone is good with hands-on care, I know I wouldn't have been able to help in that aspect as I was a senior with my own age decline issues trying to help my parents who were in their mid-to-late 90's. So I tackled logistical stuff, like arranging doctor appts, grocery shopping, regular shopping, errands, paying the bills. I tried to get my parents to accept a caregiver but that idea was ridiculous to them.... silly me, I should realize I would have had to wait until they were in their 100's.
After a few years of helping my parents with whatever I could do [only child], and didn't mind doing it, I evidently became so resentful that my parents never wanted to move to an elder community or accept in-home care, so that I could enjoy the same wonderful retirement that my parents had.
Parents final years not well planned as they never expected to have lived into their 90's. Guess Dad forgot he came from a long line of people who lived into their 90's going way back to the early 1800's. Mom had a sister who lived to be 98.
I feel bad about letting down my mother's housemate, who does a lot for my mother for free (just a free bedroom and private bathroom), but right now, today, I just don't have the energy to deal with Mom.
Truth is we're all getting tired of taking care of Mom, but she needs help with almost everything, and that's not going to change except to get worse. I don't know how we're going to manage to keep working this out.
Good of you to care for your mom and do all that you can. Thank you for asking this question, it is something I still think about myself. With my mother still alive, I really wonder what I am able to give.
In my own case a lot of sense of duty and responsibility came from the culture and my own disease to please personality. Like freqflyer, I, too, did all the logistical stuff from an early age. Because my parents were immigrants and didn't speak or write the language they needed my help. I remember as early as 8 years old having to write the checks out. I really never knew another way and just kept doing what was needed till the anger and resentment was choking me. It did lead to poor judgement on my part and loss of compassion towards the last year of my dad's life. I tried to be a good caregiver and proper advocate, but in hindsight I don't know how well I did.
No one wants to feel abandoned. I tried to use the Golden Rule and thought I was doing right by my parents, but being so angry towards the end, I don't know if doing so much was the right thing anymore.
You have to balance your time. There are only so many hours in the day and week. And you have to make time for yourself and for your own needs in those hours. Every so often, you can push the limit and put others first. But, on a regular basis you have to take care of yourself first. That's the only way I've found to get through caregiving. Before I put myself first I achieved both burnout and compassion fatigue and got sick. That scared me straight.
We owevto make sure parents are fed, warm and have care they need. We should not have go in debt to care for them, lose a job or future earnings. As said SSI people can get foodstamps. There is help with utilities. Just go to the agency who handles Moms SSI. See what they offer.