Social worker wants permission to call my siblings to find out why they aren't helping to support Dad?

I should have specified - she wants to call my younger brother, the skater... I'm still laughing until I hurt... sorry for the oversight!

Erwin, I recently had an experience with a social worker who was far too controlling and intent on becoming more involved than I felt she should be. I suspect your social worker might be the same way. I also don't think she understands the dynamics between siblings who help and those who don't, or that her intervention isn't necessarily going to accomplish anything except irritate and offend your brother, or perhaps both of them.

And, actually, on what basis does she claim to have the rights to intervene in family dynamics? From your posts, I don't think there's neglect involved. And the house repairs aren't necessarily something your brother might be able to fix.

Perhaps you can redirect her to finding low cost or voluntary assistance for the needed house repairs?

Perhaps another question might be what else might she want to do to "provide assistance" to you? Would her intervention make your relationship with your brother more difficult? I think it might, because he can easily determine that she had to have obtained information from you on his lack of help. He might even be less inclined to provide assistance for you then, if he knows you told a social worker, a nonfamily member, that he's not helping.

I think I'd tell her that you've tried everything, he's not going to help and you've accepted that and moved on, and especially that you're not going to dwell on negative issues.

One of the things we caregivers have to learn is what help we can get, who will or won't help, not continue to make an issue out of it, and recognize that we can't change someone else's behavior.

I'm also p'm ing you with some details on other issues I encountered with the meddling social worker, as an example of how a runaway meddler can be.

Interestingly, her second question after how much money does Dad have? was - "How much money and help are your siblings providing?."

Umm... that would be as much as the one can possibly manage - which is very little. And for the other one - ZERO.

If a social worker called me to tell me that i needed to contribute money to my mother's support, I'd call his/her supervisor to ask why s/he wasn't helping to identify public resources that my indigent parent could apply for.

Barb - I think you stated what my brother's position will be perfectly. I know that when my cousin helped us put in a TV antenna for dad, he stated that my brother had even boasted to him that dealing with the parents was my problem, not his.

And quite frankly, I think a lot of people believe my brother is perfectly within his rights not to help support his parents, as you suggest, and to use his resources solely as he wishes without any obligation to his parents, and to rely on someone else - i.e. "public resources" or me, - to make up the shortfall.

All of which makes it all the more galling that he got most of my parent's resources to start his business, and never fulfilled his agreement to care for them. That, IMO, was their own fault for not demanding a written contract. But, he was their baby.

Unfortunately, without those resources, and without even the consensus of the moral high-ground with which to pressure him to help Dad in his old age, I am left to deal with things as I always have - out of my own time and funds.

The public resources that are available to Dad are not all that great. He can get a $3 lunch if someone drives him ten miles each way to the senior center. He can probably get a free bag of groceries each month if we get there early enough to get one. He can get a free ride into town if someone drives him and picks him up from the bus station - four miles away. He can get a section 8 housing voucher if he wants to move out and live by himself - they will pay nothing if he lives here because "it is not a case of homelessness."

Oh, he can get a discount pass for several local restaurants. He'll love that. Although I've come down hard on that habit the last couple of months... fact which he did not fail to complain about to the SW.

The fact is, you stated perfectly why I don't even think she should bother to contact him - he doesn't see it as his problem as long as I'm already paying for it. So you pretty much confirmed my thoughts.

Erwin, I apologize if that sounded harsh. There is very little that is warm and fuzzy in caring for aging family members.

Your dad's " independence" is costing you your future. As we age. I believe we owe it to those around us to make our care easier not harder.

As an example, when my ex and I split up many years ago, i was 49. My kids were in college or out on their own. I had some idea of moving to the exurbs or to a fairly rural area. Given my age, i opted instead for a coop apartment close to transportation., healthcare and grocery shopping. If i had to stop driving tomorrow, my lifestyle would be little changed, and my adult kids won't have to sacrifice their futures for my "comfort".

Barb - what you wrote was wholly true, and worse, in accord with my own beliefs of how my brother will react, so no apology is needed.

Truth is, talking to this SW was basically my last chance of lining up any sort of help with Dad at all. Most all of the news was bad. Dad also will "likely not" qualify for Medicaid for at least a couple more years because he paid so many bills with cash the past few years and kept few receipts. Probably I should have gotten involved with his finances several years ago, but at that time neither of my brothers would support me, and even today, only one would.

The only good news was that if Dad deteriorates, the county does operate a hospice, and the SW felt certain Dad could go there if things get really bad. That is a relief, because the doctor told me both my blood pressure, and blood sugar were way too high at my last appointment. I've been dealing with this stuff for a long time, and it's catching up.

ErwinA, if the social worker is proposing to call your brother and browbeat him into coughing up actual money... ??? Well, I'd have to agree with Barb: what school did she train in? She has absolutely no professional business doing any such thing.

If, however with your father's and your blessing, she wishes to contact all his non-resident children and update them on the reality of your father's living situation and financial needs, there's nothing wrong with that. If she then has the diplomatic and negotiating skills to get agreement in principle to their support, that's wonderful. But since there is no way this could be made contractually binding, you can't rely on it. I'm not sure how much help it would be to you. Being certain of nothing is actually easier than hoping for help that might never materialise, and could screw up future claims.

So, yes, again I agree with BB - better get her to concentrate first on untangling his financial mess. And, by the way, she shouldn't be taking your money into account either. Your father is a self-contained economic unit in this context.

Erwin, Im sorry, but I forget your back story. Your dad lives with you in a rural area, and that's why it's hard for him to access senior services?

So, can't he move to be closer to the services? Closer to companionship and transport and healthcare? Has anyone ( the SW) suggested that?

My mom lived alone and started having near daily panic attacks. When she had three in a single work week, causing me to leave my job, i sat down and said " mom, I cant do this anymore". She was unsympathetic until I told her that my brother ( her favorite) was going to die of a heart attack, racing to " rescue" her.

We got her moved into Independent Living in pretty short order. Mom got better health care, psychiatric care, socialization and better nutrition. It was a win all around.

You need to see an eldercare attorny to sort out the Medicaid eligibility.

$1000-$1500 A WEEK SUPPORT???? Who has that kind of money unless your extremely rich? How does the Social Worker know your younger brother's finances? Social Worker should be concentrating on what services can be available for your father, not monetary contributions that would jeopardize him needing medicaid now or down the road for his care.

I agree with all that has been stated above, but I'm sort of leaning in the direction of what Churchmouse said. Often the uninvolved siblings have no idea what the parent's care needs or financial needs are, and sometimes they prefer to keep it that way. Unfair as it seems (and is), sometimes the other siblings will feel fine just ignoring the parent as long as there is somebody there providing the care, and they don't take into account what the parent really needs or the costs to the involved sibling of providing the care. And they don't necessarily put much stock in what the caregiver tells them about the parent's needs or the lack of support services available, because they don't personally have knowledge of it.

Perhaps a knowledgeable outsider providing some information could shame an uninvolved sibling into coughing up some help, especially one who has welched on an agreement to take care of the parents. As long as the approach is not "Why aren't you contributing any money?" but is more along the lines of "I've reviewed your parent's situation and the public resources available, and because there's so little available that would genuinely help your parent, I'm reaching out to family members to discuss what they might be able to contribute for the parent's expenses."

Of course, there's no guarantee that the sibling would agree to anything, or that any such agreement would be kept. But I think it would be worth a try, anyway. The social worker likely has more credibility than the involved sibling in the other siblings' eyes. At least, I think my own uninvolved siblings would have responded much better to a social worker than they did to me. They saw me as having an axe to grind, and that gave an excuse to disregard anything I said.

Barring help from the family, I think you should investigate more having your parent move to an area where more services are available. Maybe even sell the house and move with him, to an apartment where somebody else is responsible for the maintenance. That's what I've ended up doing in retirement. Home maintenance costs are too unpredictable - I just don't have room in my budget for them any more.

Yes, we live in a rural area. I don't know if Dad could move unless he had in-home assistance, which he cannot afford, and they do not cover. The reason we live here is because it is where I could afford to move after caring for Dad with no help for almost 20 years. That is also why it is a fix-up. I have already down-sized twice in the past fifteen years to keep up with Dad's expenses.

As I've written previously, up until this past spring when he almost died, Dad was very good about his finances, but still needed a good bit of support from me.

After his episode in the hospital, Dad spent money like water for about seven months. Restaurants, cabs, constant doctors trips, "friends" (mooches), bill collectors from my mom's debts, you name it. A lot of new people were around him due to his illness, and his need for constant supervision, and some of them, * I think* , fostered bad spending habits. Some of it was also Dad, being told he was going to die by his idiot doctor, and deciding he no longer needed to worry about money.

Either way, I didn't catch on fast enough. But, I was able to rein it in starting about 6-7 weeks ago, but he still has a lot of basic expenses, and still eats almost half his meals out. There is simply no way for me to cook and clean up after every meal for him. I'm swamped.

The SW got the info about my brother and his business from interviewing Dad, although I would have told her if she'd bothered to ask me. It's not my job to protect him from his own decisions. She also found out that younger brother was given a lot of cash by my parents to start his business years ago in exchange for his agreement to look after them in old age - which is why she wanted to contact him, I think.
But I think this is an example of "People unclear of the concept". He has NEVER honored that obligation, so why would he just because she calls him? BTW, $1500 a week would be pocket change for him these days. But again, a moot point, because in his mind, he is not obligated to provide 15 cents...

(BTW, I only found out about that agreement myself right before my mom died, when she apologized for the fact that my brother got their assets to start his business, and I got stuck with the caregiving responsibilities he had promised to take on...)


I'd hoped that the SW would come up with a program or two that might actually provide more than token help. But it seems there is less available than I'd hoped. I am supposed to call her tomorrow, I will have to think about what to tell her.

I have always agreed that the adult children should NOT be paying for their parents.

We are already giving up enough of ourselves so that our parent can continue to live in the lifestyle they were accustom, we shouldn't be giving up our own hard earned money to support that lifestyle, too. We need to keep that money for our own retirement, otherwise this becomes a generational thing of grown children paying for their parents, it never stops.

The Social Worker should not be calling any other siblings. Just because someone gets an excellent salary doesn't mean they have money sitting around.... that person could be heavy in debt, like still paying off college loans for themselves or their children.

My thinking about my own aging is similar to that of Barb, above. I would love to live out in the wilderness, be around nature, but common sense says that at my age it is more beneficial to remain in the area that I reside. My groceries can be delivered to my house... the Urgent Care is just 2 traffic lights away... the hospital only 15 minutes with the rescue squad within 3 miles from two locations... the Senior Center, only 2 miles away. Etc.

Ernest, I didn't see your post before I posted mine.... as we all know eating out can become very expensive, but some people love the social aspect of it all. My boss is that way, he always prefer to call a friend of his, who is retired, to eat lunch or dinner out.

Does Dad still drive? Does he meet a group of friends when he eats out? If everyone in his group is retired, maybe they could do lunch instead, which tends to be less expensive.

Does Dad get an allowance? Or is that in the future? For some people, money is burning a hole in their pocket and it has to be used.

freqflyer - I agree with you in principle. Adult children should not be called upon to provide financial help for parents. But in this case, one sibling is already doing it, because the parent can't function on his own. And in this case, the adult child has received a lot of financial help from the parent, in exchange for a promise to take care of the parent in old age. In this case, I think he should at least be approached, so he understands the seriousness of the situation. His sibling is being impoverished by the parent's needs, and it's not fair IMO to have that burden fall on just one.

But I do agree with you that all elderly should try to be as self-sufficient as possible, and all of us should plan for that. A few years ago I was driving my mother through the downtown section of a nearby town and saw a man in a power chair riding around to do his errands. I said "Look Ma, if you lived here you could do almost everything on your scooter - dr visits, post office, pharmacy, groceries, etc..." She replied "Yes, but then I wouldn't have as much help." Meaning from me and my sisters, who lived in more residential areas. That was exactly my point, obviously. She wouldn't need as much help. She could get around by herself instead of us (mostly me) having to ferry her everywhere. Not a thought on her part to taking up less of our time and resources. Wrong wrong wrong!!!

Erwin, I typically read all the responses, and for this thread would but battling the state treasury department is on the agenda today so I'll come back later.

I did want to suggest contacting one of the Jewish agencies, such as Jewish Welfare Federation or Jewish Family Serivces, even if you aren't Jewish. They've always had a booth at the Area Agency on Aging expos and provided very helpful information, emphasizing that they provide this kind of assistance regardless of whether "clients" are Jewish.

One good social worker told me years ago that one of the Catholic agencies is similar. I don't recall which one it was though, and my notes are in the massive collection of medical records I have.

Another thought occurred to me - sometimes rural areas have their own types of assistance; I have some vague recollection of reading this somewhere. This might be worth some research time.

Well, obviously as the person dealing with this personally, I have different perspective on my younger brother. I view him as a parasite who took my parents resources to enrich himself, while leaving my older brother, and even more myself, to deal with the fall out. Both my parents told me separately they had given him a large amount of cash in exchange for his promise to look after them as they aged.

I have no relationship with him anymore, and in all candor, I do not want one. When he is around, he steals. It is that simple. My concern about letting the SW contact him has nothing to do whether or not I think he owes my father support - from my viewpoint, he always has owed that, especially after he took my parents resources.

No, my concern is that - A) It would be nice for someone to tell the parasite he's a parasite and to pay up, but the parasite ain't gonna pay. That's not how he works - he takes, not gives.
B) He has already been trying inveigle himself back into my orbit by trying to invite himself for holidays, etc.

Before she passed away my mother told me that he and his wife were after her to get them named in my will to receive my house, land, etc. Despite caring for Dad for a long time, I still have assets, and even though he doesn't need them, I'm sure he'd like them. So, I don't want him around me at all.

I've been surprised by the attitudes here that he should not be expected to support his parent in old age. In fairness, I suppose that most of you , by extension, believe that I should not have to do so, either. But, considering the amount of cash he took from the family, and his promises to provide them with support in exchange, I am wondering who was supposed to be there for my father at 90 years of age?

(I understand that there is a lot of backstory to my younger brother that I haven't shared here - like the fact that he and his wife turned in an Advanced Directive terminating life support on my mom that no one in my family - even my older brother - who lived with her - had ever heard of. And the only way we found out is because the hospital SW called us to tell us about it. And that's only one thing.)

I also realize that there is a belief out there that the government will provide a safety net. And, as I've said, if Dad could live alone they would pay for his housing. But there are a lot of holes in that supposed net as I am finding out.

I suppose many will think my parents should have done a better job providing for their own old age. But even after losing two pensions, paying for my mother's heart attack, and having my brother renege on his agreement to support them, things did not get really awful enough that we needed to see about assistance until Dad hit 89+... even the SW commented that most people need assistance a lot sooner.

In any event, I do appreciate the responses. They've given me a window into how my brother frames his mindset. Honestly, I never would have considered that I could say my parent's well-being was anyone else's responsibility but mine, and my sibling's. It is an alien way of thought to me. I say that simply to state a fact, not to criticize anyone else.

I will probably go to a lawyer next. See if they can get Dad onto medicaid sooner, or if Dad can sue my brother for breach of contract or under filial responsibility laws in our state. Or possibly both. Another friend suggested this a while back, and I left it alone because I did not want to get into a peeing contest with a skunk. Maybe it's time, though.

Maybe just the threat of a lawsuit from Dad might make brother decide the risk to his business, reputation, and livelihood isn't worth it. Who knows?

Erwin - I like your most recent suggestions. It isn't right for your bro to take money from your parents, while promising to care for them, and then renege on his promises, especially when he is well off. I say "Go for it" with all barrels blazing, You don't have much to lose. Kudos to you for looking after dad, and for recognizing the snake in the grass trying to get back into your life. I have no doubt he wants what he can get..

Erwin, just for starts, let me say that you are a prince among men and your brother is a skunk.

My reasoning for thinking that adult children not being financially responsible for their parrnts is as follows:

There has been a huge transfer of wealth in this country to the generation of folks born before the Second World War. SOcial Security,Medicare, all of the safety net programs that didnt exist for my grandparents (who were supported in old age by my parents) were there for my parents. And private pensions. And "golden parachutes". My parents, who were middle class and frugal, retired with monies that I can only dream about. My mom is currently paying $12,000 a month in NH costs and has done so for the last 3 years. We just sold her house, so she's got a couple more years before we go down the Medicaid road.

So you, Erwin, it sounds as though your parents had some bad times, made a poor financial gamble in trusti ng Bro the Snake ( and yes, sue the PANTS off him!) and misunderstood the niceties of record keeping, what to pay, etc.

But here's the thing. What about YOUR future? Is your retirement funded?

Are you inpoverishing yourself by keeping dad in your home and paying for everything?

Barb - not to worry. I think I understand your views.

The issue, as I see it, is that he got a lot of money from the family, and he promised to help. But he never did.

As I said, I was surprised to see that the consensus seemed to be that he has no moral obligation to help his Dad. That has just confirmed me in the belief that it is probably better to attack the issue from a legal standpoint, than hoping the SW can appeal to his non-existent sense of morality.

If the prevailing mood in society is that children should not be obligated to support their parents, it is a pretty easy stretch for him to believe that despite the money he took, and the agreement he made, he should not be expected to either. At least that is what I have gleaned from reading all of the comments.

I cannot imagine 12K per month for NH expenses. I have been screaming at Dad for spending 1/3 of that total - including all of his medical bills! When the SW suggested she would ask my brother for $1000-$1500 a week, I almost fell off my chair. It shows how out of touch I am. Obviously I have been doing eldercare on the cheap.

The legal option has been under consideration for a while. A friend's mother did it, and the lawyer got her daughter to send monthly support rather than be dragged through court with the public viewing her elderly, destitute mom begging for help. I really didn't want to go down that route. I expect Dad, for all his fury at him, won't want to either. Just like he does not want to reapply for medicaid.

But, under the circumstances I am going to tell Dad he either needs to go after him for support, and reapply for medicaid, or he needs to accept that section 8 apartment and then reapply for assistance to live on his own.

I have been debating whether to go ahead and let the SW try to talk to him first, but considering that some people here thought that could be characterized as bullying, I am still mulling it over. Also, it might be better to simply let the first contact be via a lawyer without any call from a SW to give him warning of what is coming.

In regards to my own retirement, that is something I have to start thinking about. I still have resources, but my health is going downhill. The doctor says I am under too much stress, and that is why I need to see about getting more help. Otherwise, worrying about retirement is going to be a moot point.

Erwin...

There seem to be some strange and/or unknown factors at play, here.

Your brother didn't hold a gun to your parents' heads. They gave him that money. If there was an 'understanding' that it was conditional on his caring for them in their latter years, well, what was that understanding? And was it understood by all parties? Because apparently not; and you don't have to have been born and bred on Wall Street to know that a verbal contract isn't worth the paper it isn't written on, to paraphrase Sam Goldwyn.

Similarly, you don't want your brother around because you suspect that he's after a legacy? Well for heaven's sake man! - If you don't want to name him in your will, don't name him in your will! He can't force you to do it by his mere presence, you know. He doesn't have magic powers.

Reading through, I just wonder if there is in your family in general perhaps a lack of frankness and plain speaking. When your brother drops these hints about invitations, is that not your opportunity to deliver home truths: you, brother, took this amount from mother and father in such and such a year and their understanding was that you would reciprocate when they were in need, so what about it? Provide dates and numbers, make specific claims for specific amounts.

I too come from a family where "beastly money, darling" is not something one talks about. Also one where "a good chap doesn't tell a good chap what a good chap ought to know." Now this is all very fine and morally upstanding and noblesse oblige and all that; but you know what? As a basis for sound domestic management and healthy relationships it utterly sucks. Home truths, plain speaking, frankness and practicality. These need to be your and your father's watchwords. Take brother by the ear and tell him what's what.

Churchmouse - from your questions, I have to assume you either didn't read, or I didn't make plain, what occurred between my parents and my brother.

He asked them for money - six figures of it - in order to open a business. This was a good portion of my parents savings. They told him that it was for their retirement. He told them that he would look after them in their retirement. Now, I agree with you, they SHOULD have written up a contract. But you know what? Prior to my brother doing this, a contract never would have been NEEDED in our family. We were never like that as a family.

And, yes, I DO believe my parents. First, they did have records of what they gave him at the time, because it was so much. And second, he later broke promises that he made to my older brother and myself to help out with the parents.

And yes, I am concerned about my will. Not about him having "magic powers" - as you put it, but that if I am gone he will contest my willand leave my remaining family members penniless. Yes, I DO worry about that. I worry about that all the time, really. And yes, I worry about him being anywhere near my home, because as I stated earlier, he steals. From your tone, I can only assume your experience with such persons is limited?

And yes, there was a time when we were frank with my brother. Let me tell you about the last time. When my brother, who was living with my mother, was in the hospital for an amputation, I was helping to clean up mom's house because she couldn't care for herself, I told my younger brother that I could not stay there indefinitely because someone needed to stay with Dad, too. You know what his answer was? "YOUR PROBLEM, not interested."

If I recall, you were the one who suggested that a call from a SW asking him to contribute to his father's support might be construed as "bullying," were you not? I have to ask - isn't frankness a virtue in that instance as well, regardless of the SW's diplomatic skill? Or is frankness a situational virtue? Just curious...

They could have written up a contract, or they could have said no.

It is not that difficult to make your will hard to contest. You leave your scapegrace brother a peppercorn legacy and spell out in the terms why you are excluding him from further benefits. His stealing is a different issue. What has he stolen from you?

What do you think your brother's problem with your father is? I mean, it's simple enough to attribute this whole situation to your brother being Evil and your parents Abused; but it seems improbable. What happened? Any ideas at all?

Social workers are bound by professional codes of conduct. It is no part of their remit to tell their clients' children how to behave.

When you talk to the lawyer next week, Erwin, ask about making YOUR will unbreakable by your brother. In some states, you do this by leaving the "snake in the grass" family member one dollar; your lawyer is the best source of advice about this.

It sounds as though it's high time you brought dad's lawyer into this situation to see what relief there is for you AND dad from your predatory brother.

Erwin, I'm with CM on the deal between your parents and brother. As much as I love and totally trust my children (and while I have loaned some of them tuition money in the past without a written contract), I can't imagine handing over a six figure pot of life savings to ANYONE without a written instrument.

Churchmouse - first, you did not answer my question about frankness. Unless you meant to do so by questioning whether the SW knows the ethics and conduct of her own business? I wonder why you question that?, because you given me no real hint. Are you a social worker? Do you think it is wrong for her to tell him that his father doesn't qualify for much public assistance, and the **whole family** needs to step up? Isn't that frankness?

As far as theft - how long do you have? Garden tools, power saws, power drills, my hair formula (yes), the silver candleholders my grandmother left me, my mother's crystal hairpin which she left me (and yes, I know he took it because his wife wore it to our house. He said, "Well, YOU never wear it! Ha! Ha!") and yes, he promised to return it, and yes, he lied.

Regarding wills - are you an attorney? My brother has already contested part of another inheritance in 2004. He has a history of producing documents - as if by magic - to adapt your phrase, out of thin air. Such as the Advanced Directive that he filed on my mom. No one had ever seen it, and he never mentioned it. One day he and his wife just showed up at the hospital with it. Would that give you concern? I guess I'm strange, because it sure did with me.

Why would my parents tell their son "NO" when he asked them to support his dreams, and promised to look after them in return? Is that how you grew up? As I said, it was not how I did. In retrospect, should they have made up a contract? Of course. But I understand why they didn't feel the need at the time.

We were all raised to believe that caring for your family came first. My brother is an amputee. He cared for mom for almost 16 years. In a few months, I will have cared for Dad for almost 20 years. That is how were raised. That is who we were as a family. My brother is the outlier. He is the one who has never kept his word to anyone in the family, and has laughed, or gotten angry whenever he was confronted on it.

I can only assume you've never dealt with it, because after you've been lied to, let down, and laughed at, and stolen from often enough when you ask for help, you stop asking. It just hurts too much to remember that you were kids together, and this is how he is now. I don't have the words to explain this to you. I am trying, but it is impossible to convey the feeling of disappointment.

As regards to my brother's problem with Dad? The same one that he had with Mom. He no longer needed them. They no longer had anything worth hanging around to get. And that is another reason I don't want him around - I still do have things he would want.

I have this weird theory, it's very strange. I think you can best judge a what a person's intentions were by examining the results of their actions. In my brother's case, I see him with their money, and my parents left to spend their last years in near-poverty, and my brother and myself dealing with the mess for years.

No, I don't think that's accidental.

Barb - I can understand the belief that they should have made a contract. Unfortunately, neither my older brother, or myself was consulted before they did it. They believed in him.

From my point of view, in hindsight, having seen my brother operate over the years, I don't doubt he could have talked them into doing just about anything. He obviously talked my Mom into signing the Advanced Directives without consulting anyone else in the family. That is just one more reason I don't trust him. Aside from the fact that he lied to my face many times when I still talked to him.

As far as the lawyer goes, I will look into that in the future. First, I need to pay for the Elder lawyer for dad.

To answer your question after all the postings, let the Social Worker contact your brother. You know what his reaction will be and then you can move on and see what services your dad might qualify for. Question answered short and sweet. No long emotional dialogues being posted to this simple question. Good luck.

Only allow this if you are trying to officially end your relationship with your siblings. If the social worker feels that your father would be better cared for in a place with up to date appliances, and such, then they should come up with a list of residences that can be had given your father's resources. Honestly....examine the reasons why your parent lives with you, and not one of the other siblings....if one of the others can provide better care then all of you sit down together and discuss it openly and honestly. If there are options available given the circumstances that are better, then explore them. It seems to me, that ANY sibling, receiving a call from an outside party, informing them the 'my' house needs updated 'renovations' will be met with anger, resentment, hostility, and eventually alienation. This suggestion is over the line. If you can not continue to provide care for your parent, sit down with your siblings and discuss the real options...honest communication is key...not browbeating especially by a stranger.

in reading this - why the heck is dad not on Medicaid?