I once blew up on my older sibbling recently. We reconciled for peace-sake but I still feel good about it. I got a lot of things out of the air:
1) As the youngest sibbling, I got tired of my older sibblings guilt tripping me to spend all of my free-time caregiving, whilst they comfortably live with their wives and children.
2) I let them know that quite frankly, they DO NOT understand how busy a doctor's schedule can get, and since my fiancee and I are both doctors...it is selfish on my older siblings part, to expect me to cancel plans with my fiancee for the sake of care-giving. Sometimes I only get to see her once every fortnight, and my family still expect me to leave her and come take care of my mum.
3) I loathe being told "just deal with it" whenever I say I need a break to recharge. It is basically, an extension of the whole "man up" mantra....men aren't supposed to complain about anything ...so if you are a man, and caregiving for your elderly parent it's not supposed to stress you out, you're just supposed to "deal with it."
4) They do not respect my personal time. Without getting explicit here,I am a red blooded hetero adult male. Can you imagine how frustrating it is, trying to get some action with your SO and your phone ringing off the hook!! The first call is usually some insignificant problem, and the 10x other calls are "Why didn't you pick up the phone?" ... like they cannot fathom the idea that if I am spending time with my SO, I might be "busy."
To add to what's already been said, I do recommend turning the phone off! Another thing I've done is change my mother's ring tone to a special sound so I know when it's her that's calling. In her case I chose a battleship alarm. Might get wearing but for now I crack up whenever I hear it. In your case maybe various ring tones for family members to help you sort out when and where you want/need to pick up?
Lastly I picked up a Garmin inReach. Basically a satellite communicator for emergencies when out of cell range, or sans cell. I know someone who got one and when her father took a turn towards the end of a camping trip she was able to receive the message and change plans accordingly. This is not a cheap device, in my case I bought it after my Dad passed and I got a little money. You can put three people on the call list and I'm currently asking the aging care manager I hired ( immediate family is a mess ) if she can be one of the three. Of course you might not go out of cell range but this could be another wall of protection.
And I have to thank you for bringing up this topic. I haven't set up my inReach yet but am finally about to go camping so this is a great reminder. The stress will make you sick, and I'm speaking of one who is healthy but whose body is starting to go to pieces from 3 years of hell. This device feels like a break for freedom to me...
Good luck!
2. If you want your brothers to understand how busy a junior doctor's schedule is, why don't you write it down for them? Or get them a copy of The House of God. The book may be getting on now, but depressingly little has changed.
3. Quote them the rates for suicide, alcoholism and drug abuse in the profession. Burnout is an actual thing.
4. Record a different outgoing message: "Hi, this is Galen, if you would like me to call you back then leave a message and don't call again until I get back to you. In an emergency, by which I mean an emergency, leave one urgent message."
Or switch your phone off, obviously.
If your brothers are not medically qualified, then you're not going to tell me that you are either surprised or resentful that they consult you about your mother's disease. You're supposed to know, right? - more than they do, at least. Do they have any other doctors in the family they can ask?
Nor to be morbid, but what would they do if you died? You wouldn't be jumping to their emergency, so they would figure it out.
I would probably be really angry with you if I was your new wife and our honeymoon was cut short because your family didn't have enough care for you to figure it out. Not to mention that I would feel very poorly about them as human beings and I would probably not want to ever be around them. People that don't respect others and their boundaries are not worth knowing in my opinion.
I am the youngest and my siblings wanted to be my bosses. It took some serious discussions to get them to stop.
I would also point out that doctors have visits with their patients, they diagnose and prescribe treatment they don't do the hands on, day to day details, so their expectations of you are soooooooo unrealistic.
Best of luck, you are changing their comfort zone, so be prepared for some kick back. FYI: The groom's mother doesn't usually participate with the planning. They do the rehearsal dinner. Traditionally that is.
Fulltime Doctor + Newly Married + Fulltime or even Parttime Caregiver = a massive mess of stress.
Looking at the Holmes & Rahe Stress Scale:
Change of job responsibilities (29) + marriage (50) + change in familiy member's health (44) + vacation/honeymoon (13) = 161 points. That's medium to high chance of getting ill already - if you add moving house or a mortgage it will be even higher.
There are many cultures/families where the it was assumed the youngest would be the caregiver. Was like that in my country back in the day of 8 children families, it was hoped a younger child stayed at home for the eldercare - but I'm talking 1800 - 1900s. You are the youngest? How dare you want your own life & a wife & a career...
Seriously, the total responsibility of Mum's care has been dropped like a package on your doorstep. Return this to sender. Not even addressed to you. This is actually your Mum's future that she needs to make. I have zero education on the law, but If not able to make decisions on her own, then with someone to make assisted decisions, or if that not possible, POA or even guardianship. (Others know about these things).
Very best of luck with a plan & remember, just because no plan has yet been made, does not mean YOU are the plan!
If your fiancee were to write in to us, our advice would probably to think very carefully about jumping into marriage with you. You wrote that you are already worried about this.
I would be open and honest with her and get her involved with finding a facility that offers her social interaction, activities, 24/7 care and the ability to have sons and not caregivers.
Congratulations on your up coming nuptials. I vote for turning the phones off and spending the entire 2 weeks devoted to each other and having a honeymoon that will bring you happy memories for the rest of your lives.
Hugs to you and your lady.
My best friend's husband is a long time doctor and is the youngest sibling. At 57 yrs old, he still lets his big sisters boss him around. They say jump and he asks how high. He goes along with everything they plan even at the expense of his wife and kids. His wife is frustrated with him and has no faith in him. His son and daughter say they can't count on him for anything. Naturally, they have little respect for him.
On the other hand, my husband will stand up even to his parents if he knows he's in the right. He will simply and calmly state his position and reasons, and no amount of persuasion can change his mind unless it's valid and logical. I have so much respect for my husband.
Sibs will come up with any excuse once one has taken primary responsibility. Twisted 1 is a therapist, because she is in the "medical field", she was not capable emotionally to assist with mom's care. Once the excuse was she counseled convicts and just could not deal with mom. Another time it was that she counseled caregivers and just could not deal with mom. 😣 I think she suffers from compassion fatigue.
As for me....I think I am more excited about getting married than the fiancee herself lol....Im secretly looking forward to the honeymoon as a time to be out of the caregiver role. 2 weeks alone with my new wife...and I pray God no emergency phone calls from home (I'm praying HARD)
I doubt that they know your schedules so maybe make out they interrupted a medical emergency if that’s feasible in your particular line of practice? Or that you are on a new course if want longer? Plus own time with your SO. (Don’t tell them which are work and which aren’t though.) Give them times that you will be able to attend to your mum and make it clear that outside those times you are not available.
If your schedule changes try to update them promptly so that to all intents and purposes you are being the reasonable and mature one. Most phones can inform you who is calling so if it’s a sibling during a time you aren’t available -ignore or yell till they get the message.
Good luck as they won’t want their equilibrium disturbed - but stick to your guns as eventually they will have to accept the new way. Oh and don’t be guilted by times “no one can cover” - if it’s time you’ve booked stick to it.
Sorry you are having to deal with inconsiderate siblings as well as the stresses of medical practice and finding time with your SO.
I don't understand why your family thinks your mum is "your" responsibility. Do you live with her? Your brothers have married and are leading their lives - what makes them think that you don't deserve the same opportunity? You are young, in love (maybe?) and starting a promising career. Don't let anyone deprive you of your future. There are care options for your mum and you and your family need to sit down and discuss them. You've received some good advice here and I hope you'll heed it. Then, hopefully, you'll share the good news with us.
Stand your ground. You can love and care for your mum without sacrificing your future! Hugs to you..... yes, men need hugs too. 😊
Sigh....its September. We are going to see a neurologist....I can't help feeling pessimistic
Hope your on call hours are compatible with your SO's.
You know what you need to do.
I think that a lot of this we did discuss yesterday on your Forum question regarding whether there are any men acting now as caregivers. You did express there also that you do not want to lose the woman you love over this.
Same answers pertain. I don't know if cultural expectations come into any of this at all, but there comes a time when you do need to live your life for your own family. That will now be your wife-to-be, yourself, and the busy careers you both will have moving forward.
I think you will have to move away from being so concerned with the opinions others in your family have of you. As long as you are so overly concerned with their good opinion you stand to be open to their bullying and manipulation. It is time to now move forward with your life. No need to be cruel to family; just explain to them that you have a very busy career and are planning your marriage, and simply don't have a lot of time to discuss these things with them.
This will allow them to seek further solutions.
Time to play GREY ROCK with them. Argument and discussion only leads to accusation and frustration in these cases. Move away from it all, and leave them to their own devices.
The Medical field alone is stressful. My daughter went from being an LPN to RN and now is a Unit manager for a Woundcare Dept. She worked rehab/LTC facilities for over 20 yrs. She has worked 16 hr shifts on weekends to get thru RN training. When she comes home, she just wants to veg out.
The responsibility of your parent is a shared one. Like said in ur other post, Mom could be this way another 20 yrs. I am 70 and a classmate has had Parkinson's for 25 years. Mom has to do as much as she can for herself. You all should sit down and make a list of what her needs are. Then, who is willing to do what. Yes, ur a doctor but she should have her own doctor's and they should be handling her care. Call ur Office of Aging. See what resources there are for Mom.
Boundries. Goid for standing up for yourself.
Two doctors make for a difficult marriage. You need to start right how to work out with your partner about roles, lines in the sand, and support structures for the two of you. If you can’t do this now, you are both doomed!
Your explosion is a good base for more realism all round, as well as a way for you to make an apology for blowing up, and to get things on a friendlier level.
Then I took my pen out & CROSSED OUT everything next to MY name - firstly just to ask him "OK how is this going to work now?" I pondered that list a good while & concluded the tasks were more than I wanted to provide - this was causing my resentment. What got me (still gets me) is the assumption that I had endless ability to provide time, energy & money.
As I was not given the respect to be consulted how much/when I assisted I made the decision I was DONE being delegated the hands-on caregiver.
1. Being the youngest, you have been trained all your life to take and follow orders from older siblings. It's high time you declare yourself as their equal. They can't make you do anything unless you agree to, guilt tripping or not. Say NO to them, loud and clear and often. Eventually, they'll learn they can't manipulate you. They might not like you, probably will dislike you, but they will respect you.
2. You SHOULD NOT explain yourself to them because they DON'T CARE. They just want you to keep on doing what they want you to do so that they can go back to their lives. Just tell them: 'NO, I can't." No need for explanations.
3. Again, don't tell them what YOU need. They DON'T CARE. You just do what you need for yourself. You don't need their agreement or approval or understanding. Deal with it YOUR way.
4. Of course they don't respect you. You don't respect yourself in front of them. You let them push you around, guilt trip you, manipulate you. Why would they respect you? You let them bully you even though you are now a grown man and a doctor. Do you think any self-respecting adult will let people push him/her around? When you explain to them about your male need, you're asking for their permission. STOP THAT. Turn off the damn phone. Or put it on vibrate (pun intended.)
Your significant other deserves a man, not a baby brother,