I had to be out of town for 10 days. I asked my husband’s son (59 and retired) if he would take care of his dad while I was away. He agreed, made plans to take him to his home 4 hours away.
Apparently dad kept repeating the same long stories over and over. Son asked dad to stop but it continued. Son blew up, packed up his dad and brought him home. Dad was left alone for 6 days until I returned.
When I asked son what happened, I was told that dad should be embarrassed and should apologize for his rude behavior. Dad doesn’t seem to understand why son got so angry.
Next time find a memory care respite or hire dad 247. There will be more money as son may as well consider himself disinherited. If his children are equally unhelpful, disinherit them too.
Absolutely agree. Criminal! Can be life-threatening.
Tell the son the problem he had with Dad is the ALZ. Dad cannot be reasoned with anymore. He is becoming self-centered and his short-term memory loss causes him to repeat. The disease is killing his Dads brain. There will come a time when you will have to place him. Its like dealing with a toddler. And his Dad can't help it. Tell son to read up on ALZ.
Perhaps you may want him to read the responses that you get to your question.
Your question at the end you ask how to handle this, and to that I would say, make sure that next time you have to leave to go anywhere for several days, that you have your husband placed in some kind of respite facility, where you will have peace of mind that he will be well taken care of and will be with people that understand the disease.
You can also buy the book "The 36 Hour Day" for his son(that's if he can read) and also ask him to watch some of Teepa Snows videos on YouTube about Alzheimer's/dementia. As you are aware, education is key in this disease. But sadly often we can only bring a horse to water, but we can't make them drink.
Best wishes.
See a qualified elder attorney for a consultation to help you plan for your future. This will be different than with your mom because you are older and already burned out and what happens to your DH will affect you financially. There are things you can do to arrange your finances in order not to be left impoverished and be able to give your husband the care he will require. At 79 he could live a long time. It will be money well spent.
The son is not going to take care of his dad. You have had a preview.
Based on your profile, you seem annoyed with DHs behaviors yourself. Which is not to say that Alz isn't frustrating to deal with, it is. But what lengths have you gone to to educate yourself as his caregiver? Have you considered placement in Memory Care Assisted Living? Have you watched Teepa Snow videos on how to help an elder with Alz bathe? How about hiring in home aides to help with that task? Go to Alz.org to read up on tips and ideas for help with coping mechanisms.
Download "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent Fuller, an excellent 33 pg booklet written in plain English for caregivers to AD patients.
Pick up a copy of Living in the Labyrinth which is one woman's journey with AD. And The 36 Hour Day, a great reference guide to help you with every day questions.
Share this info with your stepson so he can learn about his father's disease also. What seems "rude" to him is something his father can't help but something he CAN learn about and understand better.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. You have a lot to deal with, so make sure to take time out to care for yourself too. You are just as important as HE is in all of this!
Doesn't sound like denial to me. More like sublime cluelessness.
The important thing: was your DH okay?
...Doesn't understand the full implications? No. The son's not stupid. The son is able to drive a car. The son has his own home! That means he was intelligent enough to be able to have his own house. He's NOT stupid.
HE DIDN'T CARE what happens to his father if he dumps him at the father's house ALONE.
Your son got desperate because he couldn't handle the situation. What son did was wrong for sure. I'll even bet he didn't know what to do in this case. Desperate people go to desperate measures. 10 days, 24/7 is too much for a lot of people. I hope this is a lesson learned. In the future if you are going away, hire a professional caregiver. Yes, it may cost you a bit of money. This whole thing could have been prevented. Would you put a cook in a mechanics shoes? A chef in a Drs shoes? A gardener in an accountants shoes? Don't put a person in charge of an ALZ patient that has no experience in such matters. . Especially for that long if a span! Just because you have experienced such behavior from husband doesn't mean everyone else can handle the same as you. Believe me when i say, son will never volunteer for this job ever again. Lesson learned for him as well.
You're going to have to find someone different to care for your husband should you need to leave town again.
People are idiots when it comes to this disease. My uncle asked my mom why she hadn't made him a sweet potato pie for Thanksgiving like she always had. I responded with "she doesn't know how to work the oven or even recognize that it's Thanksgiving! Your sister had dementia!" I finally told my aunt that it didn't matter whether he was in denial about mom or not, because it doesn't change her outcome one way or the other.
I would think the poor man was beside himself. I’m so sorry he went through that, that you came home to that, and that your idiot son didn’t call you immediately rather than dump his dad back home alone.