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I am sad to say that my sweet Mom passed away a few weeks ago. I have been working to empty her home of things people may need, particularly after the hurricane. I’ve given towels, sheets, blankets, clothing, toiletries (unopened) to goodwill... but my head is spinning and I feel disorganized, disoriented and like I just don’t know what to do with things. There is so MUCH. Some garbage, some very good long family history/memories.

There are three siblings, so the furniture, paintings/pictures, rugs and mementos must be distributed. I put together an excel spreadsheet of each room in the house and sent it to my brother and sister. My brother wants two things and my sister hasn’t replied yet. It’s too soon for her... but I know there will be things left over. What do I do? Is there a good process for deciding/dividing among ourselves how to take good care of the lovely things my dear Mom left?

Anyone who knows of good resources and good processes for this, I would appreciate hearing from you. I am doing the best I can, but I’m sure you know better and have some very good experiences for me about what works and what does not.

I’m looking forward to hearing your good ideas, your cautions and experiences so that I can learn from your wisdom. Right now I feel like I’m feeling around in the dark and I feel ill-equipped to complete this task. The one nice things is that I found old letters from my Mom to my Dad and they are very sweet and remind me how lucky we were to have them as parents.

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When my grandmother died, she left a large house of stuff. Some of it was trash, but there were also alot of furniture and family mementos. My aunt and uncle did an inventory and put it in a spreadsheet. Then they came up with a process where the list would be emailed to the 5 siblings. Each one had to identify what they wanted out of that round. I think in the beginning they started with multiple items per round. You had to prioritize them. I cannot remember the tie breaker if two people had something as a priority 1. I honestly don't think this happened much. After each round, items were scratched off the list. The only disagreement was the inclusion of grandchildren. All siblings except 1 wanted to include them after a certain round. There was A LOT of stuff. However, they kept it at siblings only, and we just told our Dad what we wanted. Everyone had to pick up by a certain date or arrange for shipment. It worked pretty well, as I recall.
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Sooozi: My Mom died right around the same time as yours. Right now I can't even begin to think about what to do with her clothes and personal belongings. Interested in hearing from others about their experiences though.

The first thing I wanted to tackle was the clutter of medical equipment and medical supplies. We have so much that could be donated to folks in need. Mom was brought communion on a weekly basis by a church deacon. We plan on asking him if he knows anyone that's homebound, elderly or ill who can't afford it. Also, I had thought about contacting the VNA since they were so good to us and they serve a huge portion of the elderly population in our county.
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My grandmother had a family of 5 children. One son had died a few years earlier. Aunts and Uncles decided to get together one weekend and clear the house. It was aunts and uncles, their spouses and the 3 children of the deceased brother. This is a wonderful loving family and they felt this would keep more within the family. This was 30 years ago (no computer spreadsheets ;).

They started with jewelry, watches and such. Anyone who wanted an item put their name tag in a hat. A neighbor who volunteered to help did the picking from the hat. They just went room to room following the same process. Oh, the one who got the jewelry boxes shared everthing in them with the others.

Who wants this lamp, who wants this desk...on and on it went all day long. They had lunch catered for an afternoon break. There was some trading of things. One aunt really wanted an old watch of her Mother's that a dil won and dil really liked the tourqoise broach the aunt had gotten. So they traded.

The next morning after church the grandkids came in and took the few things they wanted. The rest was sold at a garage sale and the money donated to their church.

The big stuff like furniture and antiques had already been distributed by the grandparents. This was understood by everyone. This couple was way ahead of their time for making serious decisions. It was a weekend of laughter, tears, stories and a real tribute to wonderful parents as the family lovingly shared memories. It also turned what could have been a sad and feudie (sp) kind of event into something we all still talk about at reunions and Christmas!

Good luck!
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Soozi- they did several rounds. So the first time, you picked 3 items, prioritized 1-2-3. Someone else might have picked one of your items in their list. Then it went to who prioritized higher. I am sure there were some judgement calls. Once items from the first round were identified, they were scratched off the list, and the list was sent back around. We did have people distributed around the country. And, as Littletonway said, people value different things. It was interesting to see what people chose. I thought it was very efficient and it minimized the fighting. When my other grandmother passed away, it was a grabfest with lots of hurt feelings. When my own mother passed away, my Dad gave us her cosmetic jewelry. We put it on display like it was a jewelry show and had rounds where each person chose something. It was lots of fun.
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WOW family members actually want things? Good for all of you! When I moved my Mom to assisted living last year, I asked my sibs to come and take what they wanted. One took some photos, another said she didn't want anything and the 3rd (with permission) took some things for his daughter's friend. That left EVERYTHING else. I took photos of pieces of furniture that were truly new (under 5 years) and in perfect condition. E-mailed them to cousins, especially since they had 2nd homes, kids/grandkids starting out in their own apts, etc. No one even took the time to respond. The non profit agencies couldn't send a truck until 6-8 weeks later. And victims of the 'Irene storm' didn't have any place to store the pieces while their homes were repaired. It was really disappointing to see perfect items that I couldn't give away. (I couldn't afford the fees to keep the apt another 2 months waiting for a furniture pick-up.) My hubby and I had to move so much, couldn't the family who came take some of the laundry detergent, paper towels, etc. They just left it all for me. SIGH

OK that was my rant. Now for a suggestion. My library has a listing on their website, called "who takes what'. They list contact info for used clothes, eyeglasses, hearing aids, furniture, etc. This might be a place to start. Good luck and so sorry for your loss.
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I don't know...I would do what you do - offer to family first. What no one wants, and you choose the option to sell it - I think you should keep the profit. Really, why do you have to do all the work? If family wanted the proceeds, then they should have chosen it when offered, and then sell it at their end. I mean, if you did all the work of caregiving, and now you're doing all the work of distributing her belongings, I think you should keep the proceeds. Enough is enough. If some siblings helped you (financial-wise), then they too should also share the proceeds. Because whatever income you make, I'm sure you can apply it for some bill of your mother's that will come to you later on a few weeks or months from now. If selling is going to cause an uproar, then go to donating to charity. Is there a caregiving service there that might know an elderly-in-need? Sooozi - I'm so sorry about your mom. HUGS!!!
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Freecycle is a good option too if its available in your area.
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One use we found for old linens (towels, bedding, etc) that was beyond real use (my mother never tossed anything) is your local animal shelter. We donated several bags of clean stuff. They are usually very happy to get it.
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When I had to place my mom into a room and board to her dementia, I was the on that had to go through the house and pack it up. It started with gettting rid of a lot of trash and furniture that the cat had ruined. I started basically the back den and packed up the books in the bookshalves and brought them to a used book store to have them buy mom moms books. I basically went from room to room, and set thing a side that my sister haas requested . My moms directive was to sell everything and spllt tjhe money. I got a dumpster for three days and filled it up with things that were too old to be sell., I had garage saids. And even stored thing in storage. My lawyer told me not to get rid of anthing valuable until after my mom is is dead, or the money of the sell of the house has been spent. I did it with the help of a handyman. I am still having nightmare about all the things and saw with no one to share it with. I was so stressed out and it was not healthy for me.
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Check for a furniture bank in your area. They supply furniture and household goods to help people start new lives. No pick up charge if you have at least one big piece. They are amazing and professional all the way. I'm in Central Ohio but there must be in other cities/states.
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