Is it bad for mom?
I have had caregivers for my mom when she has had surgery and when I have needed respite. One of the ladies is incredibly good. She does everything. She has a beautician license and gives us mani pedis. She bathes mom and does her hair beautifully. She talks to mom all day long, never getting tired of chatting constantly which my mom loves. She dresses her and does her makeup. She makes her meals and special snacks and waits in her. She helps her stand up every time and doesn't have her lift a finger all day.
But the problem is that the next day my mom becomes completely helpless and extremely demanding. Suddenly she says she doesn't know how to get dressed. She can't stand up without help. She can't be alone watching tv while I work on something else. My mom and I start to argue about her demand level and she says that she wants her lady everyday. Even if we could afford it, I'm not sure I could handle it.
Has anyone else had an experience where one caregiver has such a strong impact or makes an elder dependent so quickly. Is this common? Or just a unique dynamic the two have developed? The lady is incredibly capable, talented, knowledgeable, hard working, kind, fantastic cook, warm, funny and loving. But when I think about having her come on a regular basis again, I dread the change in my mom.
On the one hand I feel lucky that my mom is so happy to have help, and blessed to have found someone she has such good chemistry with, but on the other hand I feel like my mom backslides when her favorite lady comes. I'm wondering if anyone else has had an experience like this and how you handled it?
I encounter that occasionally, and depending on whether I'm tired or not, I may or may not comply with the request. But you have a more consistent situation.
The only thing I can think of is to present your mother with a budget for what it would cost to have her favorite caregiver on a more regular basis, perhaps daily, every other day, twice a week, etc., and also include what financial compromises would have to be made so she can see that it does cost to have this woman attend to her.
Another thing you might try doing is a few of the special things your mother likes, so that she doesn't see you and the caregiver as direct opposites.
You tell your Mum (and make sure you bloody tell the carer and that she understands) that the doctor has said ......... They will often do things if the doctor says it. You tell the carer that doctor has said she must be encouraged to do as much for herself as she can to maintain her muscle strength and her cognitive and motor skills. It's not a lie any doctor worth his salt would tell you that. So looking at what you wrote
You said
One of the ladies is incredibly good. She does everything.
Actually that's not good far from it
She bathes mom and does her hair beautifully.
brilliant thats fine
She talks to mom all day long, never getting tired of chatting constantly which my mom loves.
Now thats worth its weight in gold
She dresses her and does her makeup. She makes her meals and special snacks and waits in her. She helps her stand up every time and doesn't have her lift a finger all day.
This is the bit that has to stop immediately. She can bring in the bread and butter and ingredients and get your mum to make her own sandwich or bring the cake in and a knife and get your mum to cut it but she cannot be at her beck and call 100% of the time for the trivial stuff that your Mum can do for herself
It might be an idea for you to find some exercises for your Mum and ask the carer to do them 5 times a day with her and record how many of each she does - that way there is an actual record of improvement. Or get your mum an armchair exercise bike and get the carer to make sure she uses that three or four times a day for 5-10 minutes.
Even throwing and catching a ball between them is a good idea - anything that will stop the carer from being a skivvy - for that me dear is a different pay scale!
I did think we could do so spray snowflakes using a paper doily (no idea what you call these) and spraying through them - no deal - mum can't press down the spray button so miserable fail but she can stencil through them and so that will be our next task
There is no rhyme nor reason to the way it goes for each of our LO - there will be similarities but there is n to one us who experiences the exactly the same so we just have to pick and choose the bits that apply to us and try recommendations and just see whether they work. If they do brilliant, if not then you may have to just try other things until you get a hit!
I know that's no comfort but sadly it is the reality that is dementia and during the phase when they know they are losing their faculties then that is the most frustrating for them too because they are scared and which of us wouldn't be?