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My husband is 68 with mild Dementia. My parents died when I was 25 so I know NOTHING about Alz/Dem. I go to an Alz. group but it is very small thank goodness.  Do you control his/her meds so they take them correctly and on time. Do they want to go out less and less in the car ? Are they afraid to get in the tub now ? Have they developed a huge sweet tooth ? On and on....Let's have a spouse group.  Husbands jump in here. Thank you all.

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Hi tarajane. I would like a spouse group too. I'm having trouble with some of my husband's behaviors and would like to be able to talk with other spouses. As being a spousal caregiver comes with a certain dynamic. Just as an adult child and parent with dementia has its unique circumstances. I like your idea!
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tarajane, if you want go to the upper right corner of this page where you see Search Site.... type in "spouse with dementia" and you will see a variety of past postings regarding this. Such as https://www.agingcare.com/questions/caring-for-spouse-with-dementia-175185.htm
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I'm glad to see this post. I too am having these problems with my spouse. He's 73 and it becoming very difficult to deal with. So I will also go to the spouse with dementia site. Thank you all.
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I'm not a spouse but I'm dealing with a couple, hub's aunt and uncle, so can somewhat understand the unique dynamics there, but can I just kinda throwout my experiences with my parents here; my mother developed the sundowners; we took over management of dad's meds - and there have been issues with both hub's aunt and uncle - but just as part of the dynamic between them with her supposed to be his caregiver - or was she? that's been an interesting situation since he's had strokes but she's supposed to have dementia, so was she supposed to oversee his meds - she wasn't, he was doing it himself, then he seemingly overdosed or was it a reaction to new meds, which is what she said but grandson said no, so they were taken away, but....there are some other issues; he doesn't want to go out, but is that the cognitive aspect of the stroke or the physical issues from it; she definitely seemingly at least still wants to go out or did; she was just so lonely, she's coming more to terms with it, but think she still wants to be able, at least, to go out. My mom and dad definitely got to where they didn't. Mom got afraid to get in the tub, but she'd had a hip replacement. Both dad and hub's uncle just got to where they just want to get cleaned up; uncle partially may have been afraid he would fall, at least with just wife helping, but that may have been because she's so much smaller than him, but both did/do have a caregiver they feel more comfortable with that can get them to do it more so than with his wife. Don't think it's been a problem with her; think she definitely still wants to and they have a handicapped shower/tub thing, which helps the fear factor. Have seen the sweets more on the men side, if that means anything. Now I'll try to leave ya'll to your spouse group - except maybe for lurking re this aunt and uncle thing, if that's ok :)
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Good to see you posting again, Tarajane. (I may have missed some posts.) Could you bring us up to date a little? Did you move?

I'll pick just one of your topics to get started. My husband, Coy, loved baths. Getting in was a little iffy but I helped and he was safe. One night he couldn't get out! The water was drained and he was sitting on a full-length non skid mat, but he could not get his feet under him to stand up. I finally managed, with a gait belt, to get him into a standing position and he could then easily step out of the tub. But, ugh!, neither of us wanted to repeat that. So he showered in a stall. He got clean, but he really missed a bath.

(Think about sitting on the floor with your legs out straight in front of you. Getting to your feet from that position can give some of us a little challenge. Think about not having full control over your muscles, or being weak, and also being on a slippery surface. It doesn't surprise me at all that many older people -- with and without dementia -- tend to be wary of tubs!)

One day Coy saw an ad for a walk-in tub. We wanted it! I looked into it, and we got it. He loved it. He worried a little about the controls at first, but I was always in the bathroom when he bathed. It had air jets so he had fun bubble bathes. The main advantage was not the door. (He could still get over the side of a tub.) It was that he sat at a regular chair height and had to simply stand up at the end. No struggle to get to his feet.

A tub bath isn't necessary, of course. Coy just happened to love them. Before we got the walk-in I put a sturdy shower bench in the shower stall, and had grab bars installed. I stayed right outside the stall when he used it. (He didn't think all that fuss was necessary, but he went along with it.)

My mother, on the other hand, fought showers or tubs (even the walk-in tub) with all her might. Yet when she went into a nursing home, when the aide came and said it was her time for the shower she went off cooperatively. ??
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my mom never liked showers before, so it was hard for her when she got afraid of the tub, but we'd already gotten them a handheld shower so that helped some, then, maybe, just in case, I replaced the tub know with a lever, so she could at least control - reach it better - from - got her a nice padded transfer bench - not just a shower bench in the tub, but one that one side is in and the out, so you can sit on it first and slide into the tub, since, for her, the getting over the side was the issue, also a grab bar for the tub and also one for the wall going to the tub she could hold onto. So, Jeanne, what was the advantage of Coy for the tub if he was sitting at regular chair height; didn't he basically have to have a shower then?
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debdaughter, have you seen a walk-in tub, or a picture of one? They are shorter than a regular tub and much taller. The bench (at an ADA approved height) is built in. You open the door, walk in, sit on the bench, then fill the tub. The water comes up over the bench, so you are sitting in about as much water as if you were in a regular tub, but you are not sitting on the "floor" with your legs straight out -- you are sitting on a bench. The air jets are quite pleasant and if you are not careful with the bubble bath stuff you'll be up to your neck in bubbles!

Coy used a towel around his shoulders while the tub filled (which is much sooner than a regular tub, because the pipes are larger). I don't feel cool while the tub is filling. While the water was draining out I rinsed Coy's hair and body with the shower head wand, got him wrapped in a huge towel and he stepped out to finish drying.

I guess the piece you need to envion, Deb, (or look up a picture online) is that these tubs are tall, and the bench is about half way down the back of the tub.
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Hmm, I realize I've said they are shorter and taller. Weird. They are not as long -- it fit into the space of the old tub with some space leftover. But the walls are taller, so the water fills over the bench. I don't think I'm doing this very well. Please look at a picture. :)
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Hi jeannegibbs, no we haven't moved yet. FHA did not approve of the well and septic being too close to each other !!! Husband is the same but had a bad sundowning last night out of the blue. He has them daily but this one was like before he even started his meds. Don't know what caused this but an Ativan did the trick. He has to have his battery changed in his pacemaker and is worried about that. I am too quite frankly, they have to put him is a twilight sleep and I don't know if that will affect his Dementia. Hope you are doing ok.
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Jeanne, sorry you went to so much trouble since I have seen pictures; would have loved to have gotten my parents one but, one, they are so expensive, though they would have had the money, but, two, I was told we would have to remodel their bathroom to get it in; did you have to do that? but it was the bench part guess maybe I either hadn't really paid attention to or don't remember seeing them in the pictures I've seen but you explained that; maybe just hadn't really realized, though in picturing the pictures I've seen, makes sense, since they do seem to be taller, that it should still be the same feel with the water in them, making me wonder about the pipes thing, though; do you have to do something with the pipes it hooks up to, then? thanks so much
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tara, I first realized, at least, with my mom, about her sundowner's after she'd had the "twilight" - that I didn't even know about beforehand - sleep with her hip surgery. At first I was just able to call her best friend and she was able to talk down/out from it but then I wish they'd given the Ativan - at least I don't think they did, not then, anyway - she was already on the generic, at least as I understand, Lorazepam - but that was a whole other issue we got into at the hospital, with them at first letting her take her own from home, with us giving them to her but by then they'd taken them, said they'd have to give them to her, but then they brought them back, made us take them home, and said they'd have to give her the actual Ativan they had in their pharmacy but they looked different so that was a real problem for her, maybe because of the dementia? anyway, she at first wouldn't take them and wouldn't until we looked them up and convinced her it was the same thing, though how much so still not really sure. But they did say later the twilight did affect it all but maybe the Ativan will take care of it.
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