Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Beazer, I don't think it's healthy that you are spending so much energy reprimanding people for wanting to have their own lives instead of playing caregivers to their aging parents , did it ever occur to you that the reason you're not married is that you hid behind the caregiver role? it just seems to me you could have had a life if you wanted it. for some reason I don't think you feel comfortable going out with your friends so you used your mother as an excuse. Maybe you fear rejection in the real world. because your mother gave birth to you does not mean you owed your life to her and if she genuinely cared for you, and was not addled by dementia or Alzheimer's, or mental illness ,she would have wanted you to have your own life. She would have wanted that for you from the beginning. That is the healthy dynamic. Please don't demean these people for wanting what we all want. it's healthy to move on in our own direction and create our own lives with the mates that we choose. that is adulthood. It sounds like you had a major failure to launch situation. Please don't judge the rest of us because you didn't want to face your own reality and do what it took to create a life for yourself. I feel sorry for you that your mother prefered her daughter spend her young years changing her diapers rather than getting married and experiencing the joy of motherhood and changing the diapers of her children instead. I hope for your sake that you get some counseling and are able to move on with the rest of your life in a healthy direction. I agree wholeheartedly with MIDKIDand LINDAZ IN that I would NEVER, EVER do this to my daughter. she owes me absolutely nothing. It was my choice to give her life, and now as she enjoys her college years, I'm going to enjoy late adulthood with my husband while we both have a little time left before we need caregivers... Paid caregivers , NEVER OUR CHILDREN. I would never prey upon somebody I LOVE and deprive them of their own life.that behavior is nothing less than parasitic. I wouldn't even ask them to bring me a carton of milk. I promised this years ago, and they were very thankful because they have seen what my father has done to me and my husband. Shame on us if we don't help ourselves and get away from it. I don't think you should ever mention that the first diaper you changed was your mother's. That's just not a good opening line if you want any kind of social life. wish you the best.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

To "finished": The caregiving issue elicits an avalanche of emotion, but I don't think this chat room will work if we turn on each other. I appreciated Beazer's perspective, from someone who has lost his/her mother and who is looking back upon the tough times as worthwhile. I don't see how you extracted your insights from Beazer's post, unless you know the person? These are sweeping generalizations, and hurtful. Ideally, we should embrace ALL points of view, and then make our own decisions. I like this group, and would hate to see it descend into petty competitions over who's right and who's wrong. Just saying!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I agree with you, LorrieB. That was a completely unfounded and cruel attack. Beazer's post was not hostile. It just touched a raw nerve in you for some reason, Finished.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I agree with "finished" completely, and want to add my own "hear hear!" to her comments! Beazer's advice was BAD, and inappropriate. Sky1027 already and clearly has boundary and enabler issues. NO ONE should give up their life for another - and certainly not an adult with "issues" that cause her to be incapacitated. And no healthy sane person would ask another to do so.

Beazer gave up her life for her parents. If she's happy with that decision, good for her. I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't encourage anyone to do it, and I wouldn't ask anyone else to do it for me.

BTW, just as an aside - I had the good fortune to spend a decade with a very intelligent alcoholic partner - and in doing so was forced to confront my own "enabling" capacities and habits as the adult child of an adult child of an alcoholic. Learning about co-dependency has made me a happier healthier adult! Thank you AA and AA-related groups!

Sky1027 -get help, get therapy, set boundaries, and live your own life! If you don't enjoy it, who will??? Best wishes in your struggle!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Nobody's family is ever going to change. Learn to stop trying to fix her. You can't fix her and yes she will probably die young. Adults make choices and they have a right to do what they do. Including drink coca cola. But your sentence about owing her your life force so intensely is disturbing. A parent gives a child what they need to make it in the world, and the last thing that makes sense is that the children owe you and should sacrifice their life back to you. That is just wrong. Parenting was a free gift given with love that was a wonderful part of my life and probably one of your mother's best actual accomplishments if it happened that way. As far as I am concerned my kids do not owe me anything and thats that. The fulfillment and happiness of their own adult lives has been very rewarding. Love is not about 'after I give you this you will be indebted to me'. Its a long way out from where you are to get back to a normal happy life.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Anita, I was personally not saying what Finished said was wrong in how she feels about caregiving, only the personally demeaning things she said to Beazer about not being married and having babies. That crossed the line. Some people are childless by choice and single by divorce. We don't know these things without knowing the person.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

All of the above. ... What's wrong with putting yourself first?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Why was Beazer's advice bad? She gave her point of view. It's true, if you don't answer the phone, you don't know if this one time it might be a real emergency. There was a time when I used to leave the house, I didn't answer the phone if I see it's the house number. Because most times, it's not important. But, I did worry if it was an emergency call. My decision to not answer it.

And, she is 63 years old and caregave her mom for 6 years. I'm assuming before that, she had her own life before her mother got to the stage where she decided to quit her job. So I'm not sure where on her post did she use her mother as an excuse to hide from life since she only did it for 6 years.

This is a public forum. People grew up with different backgrounds, different cultures. You Will get different answers. You take what applies to you and bypass the ones that don't. There is absolutely NO need to personally attack someone so publicly.

By the way, about the pamper changing comment. I hated changing kids pampers. When I used to babysit my siblings kids, I insisted they change it before dropping off their kids. It was a mandatory babysitting which I had no say on. So when mom got bedridden, I didn't know how to change her pamper. I tried to lift her legs up to pull out her pamper. Instead I hurt my back. Needless to say, I learned that changing an adult's pamper is not the same as a child....
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Beazers attack on the not answering the phone was on me. I chose to ignore her. She doesn't know me or my situation. She is wrong. Mom always leaves a voicemail as to what she needs. I screen my calls from her that way. If an emergency she lets me know and I call back. If no message she is fine and usually calls back 2 minutes later. I know her habits and if it strays from norm I would go over or call her back. When you have a mom who calls you 10 plus times a day you have to set some boundaries to survive. I have been caring for mom since 2002. I have missed ample time with my own 5 kids. Beazer can judge my actions but God knows my heart.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter