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I am 31 my mother is 59. She has been in bad health the majority of her life (but does nothing to change her situation) and really went down hill at 50. She is very over weight and has bad knees. She smokes like a chimney, drinks at least a 2 liter of coke a day while having type 2 diabetes, only snacks no real food unless I cook it because that would evolve work on her part. She don't move off the couch. The doctor got her signed up for an in home caregiver which she gave me, mind you I told her I was not wanting it because I just want to be her daughter. I've already been taking care of her for 8 yrs before this happened and one day she is really going to need me and I'll be so burnt out she will end up in a nursing home. She don't drive, never has, she don't clean, half the time I have to remind her to take a shower. She plans my weekends for me which is coming here to cook clean and grab her laundry to take home with me. If I say anything or get upset she reminds me I am her caregiver. I am introduced as her daughter/care giver. I have begged her to please find someone else to to do. The small about of $300 a month is not worth living two lives, well actually one because I can't live my life. I work 45 hours in 4 days at my job, Friday is her appointment day Sunday is her grocery day and when I date and I have to travel to spend time with them I get asked "Well what about me?" The problem is my mother has helped me. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 yrs. She helped me get out, let me live with her when I was younger without paying rent so I could work, save money for a descent car and I went back to college and got my degree. I feel indebted to her so I suck it up and give her my life. I don't get to enjoy my mother. I want to go shopping with her and do crafts and finish her family tree book but to take her to the store it like taking 3 babies and a wheel chair. She don't help at all and refuses to get her knees replaced. I'm at a loss as to what to do, I don't know how long I will have left with her but I don't even enjoy when she calls me because I know its because she needs something from me. The big kicker is she has a son who does nothing, he mooched off of her for 3 yrs just before I moved her into a one bedroom home hoping it would knock her out of her stuper and get her up and moving because its easier to take care of but it was a failure now I just have a smaller place to take care of. Yet she cries to me that my brother don't even call her now that he don't need her anymore. I'm at the end of my rope and have no clue what to do.

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Beazers attack on the not answering the phone was on me. I chose to ignore her. She doesn't know me or my situation. She is wrong. Mom always leaves a voicemail as to what she needs. I screen my calls from her that way. If an emergency she lets me know and I call back. If no message she is fine and usually calls back 2 minutes later. I know her habits and if it strays from norm I would go over or call her back. When you have a mom who calls you 10 plus times a day you have to set some boundaries to survive. I have been caring for mom since 2002. I have missed ample time with my own 5 kids. Beazer can judge my actions but God knows my heart.
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Why was Beazer's advice bad? She gave her point of view. It's true, if you don't answer the phone, you don't know if this one time it might be a real emergency. There was a time when I used to leave the house, I didn't answer the phone if I see it's the house number. Because most times, it's not important. But, I did worry if it was an emergency call. My decision to not answer it.

And, she is 63 years old and caregave her mom for 6 years. I'm assuming before that, she had her own life before her mother got to the stage where she decided to quit her job. So I'm not sure where on her post did she use her mother as an excuse to hide from life since she only did it for 6 years.

This is a public forum. People grew up with different backgrounds, different cultures. You Will get different answers. You take what applies to you and bypass the ones that don't. There is absolutely NO need to personally attack someone so publicly.

By the way, about the pamper changing comment. I hated changing kids pampers. When I used to babysit my siblings kids, I insisted they change it before dropping off their kids. It was a mandatory babysitting which I had no say on. So when mom got bedridden, I didn't know how to change her pamper. I tried to lift her legs up to pull out her pamper. Instead I hurt my back. Needless to say, I learned that changing an adult's pamper is not the same as a child....
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All of the above. ... What's wrong with putting yourself first?
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Anita, I was personally not saying what Finished said was wrong in how she feels about caregiving, only the personally demeaning things she said to Beazer about not being married and having babies. That crossed the line. Some people are childless by choice and single by divorce. We don't know these things without knowing the person.
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Nobody's family is ever going to change. Learn to stop trying to fix her. You can't fix her and yes she will probably die young. Adults make choices and they have a right to do what they do. Including drink coca cola. But your sentence about owing her your life force so intensely is disturbing. A parent gives a child what they need to make it in the world, and the last thing that makes sense is that the children owe you and should sacrifice their life back to you. That is just wrong. Parenting was a free gift given with love that was a wonderful part of my life and probably one of your mother's best actual accomplishments if it happened that way. As far as I am concerned my kids do not owe me anything and thats that. The fulfillment and happiness of their own adult lives has been very rewarding. Love is not about 'after I give you this you will be indebted to me'. Its a long way out from where you are to get back to a normal happy life.
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I agree with "finished" completely, and want to add my own "hear hear!" to her comments! Beazer's advice was BAD, and inappropriate. Sky1027 already and clearly has boundary and enabler issues. NO ONE should give up their life for another - and certainly not an adult with "issues" that cause her to be incapacitated. And no healthy sane person would ask another to do so.

Beazer gave up her life for her parents. If she's happy with that decision, good for her. I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't encourage anyone to do it, and I wouldn't ask anyone else to do it for me.

BTW, just as an aside - I had the good fortune to spend a decade with a very intelligent alcoholic partner - and in doing so was forced to confront my own "enabling" capacities and habits as the adult child of an adult child of an alcoholic. Learning about co-dependency has made me a happier healthier adult! Thank you AA and AA-related groups!

Sky1027 -get help, get therapy, set boundaries, and live your own life! If you don't enjoy it, who will??? Best wishes in your struggle!
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I agree with you, LorrieB. That was a completely unfounded and cruel attack. Beazer's post was not hostile. It just touched a raw nerve in you for some reason, Finished.
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To "finished": The caregiving issue elicits an avalanche of emotion, but I don't think this chat room will work if we turn on each other. I appreciated Beazer's perspective, from someone who has lost his/her mother and who is looking back upon the tough times as worthwhile. I don't see how you extracted your insights from Beazer's post, unless you know the person? These are sweeping generalizations, and hurtful. Ideally, we should embrace ALL points of view, and then make our own decisions. I like this group, and would hate to see it descend into petty competitions over who's right and who's wrong. Just saying!
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Beazer, I don't think it's healthy that you are spending so much energy reprimanding people for wanting to have their own lives instead of playing caregivers to their aging parents , did it ever occur to you that the reason you're not married is that you hid behind the caregiver role? it just seems to me you could have had a life if you wanted it. for some reason I don't think you feel comfortable going out with your friends so you used your mother as an excuse. Maybe you fear rejection in the real world. because your mother gave birth to you does not mean you owed your life to her and if she genuinely cared for you, and was not addled by dementia or Alzheimer's, or mental illness ,she would have wanted you to have your own life. She would have wanted that for you from the beginning. That is the healthy dynamic. Please don't demean these people for wanting what we all want. it's healthy to move on in our own direction and create our own lives with the mates that we choose. that is adulthood. It sounds like you had a major failure to launch situation. Please don't judge the rest of us because you didn't want to face your own reality and do what it took to create a life for yourself. I feel sorry for you that your mother prefered her daughter spend her young years changing her diapers rather than getting married and experiencing the joy of motherhood and changing the diapers of her children instead. I hope for your sake that you get some counseling and are able to move on with the rest of your life in a healthy direction. I agree wholeheartedly with MIDKIDand LINDAZ IN that I would NEVER, EVER do this to my daughter. she owes me absolutely nothing. It was my choice to give her life, and now as she enjoys her college years, I'm going to enjoy late adulthood with my husband while we both have a little time left before we need caregivers... Paid caregivers , NEVER OUR CHILDREN. I would never prey upon somebody I LOVE and deprive them of their own life.that behavior is nothing less than parasitic. I wouldn't even ask them to bring me a carton of milk. I promised this years ago, and they were very thankful because they have seen what my father has done to me and my husband. Shame on us if we don't help ourselves and get away from it. I don't think you should ever mention that the first diaper you changed was your mother's. That's just not a good opening line if you want any kind of social life. wish you the best.
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One time I went to a channeling session, the channel told me that gifts are all wrapped up in pretty paper and tied up with strings. It's the job of the recipient to throw away the strings with the wrapping paper. A gift is free of all attachments and expectations, so what your mother did to help you should be free and clear
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Sometimes when I go to visit my mo int he afternoon, she is already playing bridge. that means she is busy and I do not have to stay. I want to weep with with joy and go to my car like I am escaping prison.

And I love my mom.
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Your mother sound like a real jewel of a woman who needs to get her own life.
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Sorry, I meant nicotine abuse, not alcohol.
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Your mother should be taking care of herself, e.g. go to docs, go to a Reformers Unanimous meeting held at churches worldwide (see Reform U) for alcohol abuse, join a gym!
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Knowing you, I don't feel like I am the only one in this situation any more. Thanks
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So helpful to read all the responses. I am in the same situation. My dad helped me so much I feel I owe him. I do love him so much. However I think this a matter of finding a balance. How do we live our own lives and take care of our parents. For me, I am giving up some of my life which I am hearing is not so great. I hope you can find a way to live your life as you deserve putting yourself first and then have your mother be secondary but not cut out. We can get outside help so we can continue to live our lives and not regret it later. We don't want to lose our own lives. Knowing you, I do t feel like I am the illumine any more. Thanks for that gift!!
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Ferris1 is absolutely right.
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It's really easy for me to tell you to just stop doing all those things for her. It's really easy for me to tell you that you don't owe her anything but love. It's easy to say turn over to brother some of tasks. That's all easy to say and very difficult for you to do. And I am so sorry you feel "you owe" your mother. I am of the belief when we are given a gift, it should be just that, a gift. It shouldn't have strings. Did your Mom tell you when she was helping you.."Oh, by the way, when I get sick I expect you to give up your life and take care of me to pay me back for this gift"? When my mother was alive she hated going to the doctor. She began having pain in her leg. I kept trying to get her to go and have it checked. She wouldn't go and frankly I was tired of hearing her complain about it. Time went on and one day I had taken her to get groceries. While we were sitting in the car she said "I am so worried about my leg. I'm worried about a blood clot". To which I replied " You're not too d*mn worried or you would go to the doctor". She made an appointment and learned she had restless leg syndrome. After 6 months with the pain, 2 nights of medication stopped the pain. I had to learn to accept her decisions and not nag her to do otherwise. However, that didn't mean I had to pay for her decisions. I would venture to say until your Mom has consequences, until you are healthy enough to set boundaries, and until you get therapy to get rid of the guilt, NOTHING will change. You can't make your brother do anything. You can't make your mother do anything. YOU are the only person that you can change. When you change, your circumstances will change. God bless you.
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I was thinking about this same topic last night after leaving my moms house.

My mom NEEDS me, but would never ASK me for anything. I go and do, because that is what your adult child does when you need it.

For many years, I was proud to say that my mom was my BEST friend. I mean in ADULT years. My mom knew me better than anyone in the world and vice versa.

Now...she doesn't even remember my childhood. We can't talk or reminisce anymore because she just doesn't remember.

I don't RESENT her....I MISS HER.

Some nights I get home and wish I could just go over there and hang out and LAUGH. Stroll down memory lane.

Last night as I laid in bed thinking, I thought "Dear God. Please do not let me resent my mom OR feel like this is a chore."

I love her and would do ANYTHING in the world to help her and to keep her safe and to make sure she knows she is not alone.

Every time I go to visit....it is more of a chore. I have to sort out her meidcation for the week. I have to go through her mail and make sure no bills were skipped. I make sure she has milk in the fridge. You know....all that stuff.

I don't know where I am going with all of this, but I would like to just once, go over and have dinner and laugh. In reality....I know that will never happen again.
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Interview caregivers on your own and pick one! Go with her to your Moms and introduce her as her new caregiver because you have a job and a life and no longer can do both! Then plan something once a week....like shopping, visiting, whatever with her.....DO IT KNOW or you will regret it down the line I assure you!
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These are such helpful comments from everyone. We can read different advice on the different message boards. Some are totally supportive of the care receiver, writing how caregivers should do more and more to make life easier. I like the AC site because it is more about the caregiver. We caregivers have to ask ourselves how much we are willing to give and how much psychological upheaval we're willing to handle. This is particularly important when a parent is mentally ill or on a self destructive path. There are some things I've learned in my six years as caregiver. A caregiver should never make her/himself miserable to benefit the parent, and a caregiver should never give up their own lives to buy a little extra time for the parent. Things have to be kept in balance or there is suffering.

So how do we keep things in balance? I think it is probably most important to have good professional and family support. I probably am most aware of this because my mother's medical team right now is terrible and the family is nowhere in sight. Healthcare for the elderly can be so difficult. This weekend I was so happy when Mom and I went to urgent care and there was a GOOD doctor. It lifted so much of the burden off me. Most doctors now are not very stable and don't seem to care much. Quality health care? Phsst!

Excuse my rambling. We really need to go on with our lives and fit our parents' needs into them. If we give up our own lives, all does not go well. sky, your mother is younger than many (or most) of the caregivers on this group. It's a shame she is throwing away her life at such an early age. You definitely can help, but don't let her throw your life away, too.
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I think it's okay for you to feel resentful. You're in a tough spot; you love your Mom but you also want a life. You feel indebted to her because she helped you through that abusive relationship - but this doesn't necessarily mean you now being there for her nearly 24/7 is payback time for her. She's already suffering from health issues - and she's young! Imagine what your life will be with her in another ten years, when the serious health issues start kicking in? First, get some in-home care for just once for twice a week so you can have a break to think about a game plan - or even use this time to meet with a counselor to discuss what's going on with your Mom; sometimes it's helpful - no, sorry - necessary to get an outsider opinion. Second, you are the parent here and your mother is the stubborn child - this isn't intended to be mean - it's just that as our parents age - they do become like children. You need to set boundaries NOW. It's okay to put your foot down. I was 33 years old (and an only child) when both of my parents needed my help full-time because of serious medical conditions. My father expired years ago and now it's just been me and Mom. I'm also now 44 years old. I was caught in such a bad rut for such a long time...just having no direction and was completely lost because my father was our family's rock. And life was going on, passing by me. Before my parents became ill, I was career-driven - I was on the road to success. I found this AC community about a month ago when I Googling some stuff - and this site has been the eye-opener and jolt I needed to get my life back! I don't want to miss out on life anymore. My mother is severely and homebound. I've put in motion a plan to start doing things for me - for once in a little over a decade! I don't regret taking care of my parents; they had the best quality of life under my watch. But it's my time now! I have dreams and goals of going to grad school, starting a business, and creating a family of my own. I don't want my tombstone to only say "She was such a good daughter..." I have a brain! I'm capable of so much more than just being a "caregiver". You need an outsider to work with you on how to set boundaries and how to take care of you while still keeping your mother in picture - but she doesn't take up the whole picture.
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Skye, I am 60 years old and have a wonderful 28 year old daughter....I'm not in the best of health but I would NEVER abuse her in the way your mom is abusing you! Yes, I help my daughter...often...and at this point in her life I am supporting her financially. She owes me NOTHING except her love and respect. This is my job to help her...I took that on when I gave birth to her and I love her so much. You and she should not give up your lives for your mother! She is responsible for herself as you should be able to live your life...she should not expect you to give up your life (and chance for happiness) to take care of her. She is still young and probably depressed....she needs a doctor to help her with this, NOT you! Blessings, Lindaz
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First of all there is no easy answer. In the end you have to do what you can live with, but really try to look at all angles. It sounds like you love your mom, and that you see she has good points as well as bad. First your mom might be going thru depression or other issues that make it hard for her to let go. She might be sabotaging herself in order to keep you near her. It is hard to get older and sometimes they take control where they can. Also you might be having a hard time letting go as well. I think both of you could use someone to talk to either together or alone. We have some great resources so take advantage of them. I would sit down with your mom and lay everything out. She may listen and she may not but she needs to hear it. Then I would set aside time just for you. Even if she complains or tries to get you to give up that time don't budge. You want her to live longer and live with quality of life so see if she will start doing things for herself if you back off (she might not but you have to try). Also I know you want to have some good memories with your mom but she doesn't sound like she is at that stage yet. Instead create experiences that can be done at home, find a class you could both go to (I know it's hard to move her but every once in a while get her out doing something fun), see if there is a group that she can join so she can have friends, just remember to keep trying. Finally be realistic. Doing your best doesn't mean giving up everything. Your mom still has choices to make and in the end she is responsible for those choices not you. She is capable of getting better but she has to choose it, you do your best and understand that you are not responsible for her choices or her consequences. It is also ok to feel resentment, it is natural when you are giving up so much to help someone you love. Just don't dwell on it and forget that you do love her. She is the only mom you have so never stop loving her and never give up on her completely. Pick what you can do and know that we are hear if you need to vent or get ideas.
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I can really sympathize. My mom is the same way. First, you will always be her daughter. What you need to do is take care of yourself first. Contact your local agency on aging. All states have them, they may just have different names. They can get you the support you need or at least get you connected. Second, you will never change your mothers behaviors so stop trying. Anything she can do for herself, make her do it, otherwise you are enabling her to continue the bad behavior. I keep the attitude that I love my mom and the best I can do is keep her upright and breathing. The rest is up to her. Hang in there and find some quiet time for yourself to regenerate.
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I am 59. I also have a 31 yo daughter. I cannot fathom doing this to my daughter! Yes! Set boundaries. Don't take her calls--my kids call screen me and often don't pick upo b/c something else is taking their attention at the moment. THEY OWE ME NOTHING. Yes, I've helped my kids from time to time, but still, THEY OWE ME NOTHING. Your mom is WAY too young to be this dependent and likely has 20+ years left. Live your life, try to get the lazy brother on board and if you can, hire some more help. I just wish you the best...and yes, you are enabling her to be this way.
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sky, I know where you are coming from and I know there aren't any answers on how to fix your mother. The only thing you can do is figure out what role you will play in her life and how much you can do for her.

Something I thought about right away was the grocery shopping. Whoever buys the groceries has a lot of control of the situation. Does your mother go to the store with you? If not, buy some sugar-free, caffeine-free sodas and maybe sparkling water. The sugar free may not be the best thing, but at least it doesn't pack on unneeded calories and extra blood glucose. She may yell at you and try to bully you into doing what she wants, but you can make yourself into a rock. You'll know you're doing the right thing. And you're lucky that you can leave and go home.

You can't make her accept a caregiver, but you can decide what time you have to devote to her. I realize that you feel obligated to her for the things she did for you in the past. This doesn't mean you have to obey her and clean up her messes while she continues her destructive path.

A very hard thing about being a caregiver is that we are faced every day with medical and psychological issues that we have no training for. I imagine that since your mother has what looks like uncontrolled diabetes and obesity that her brain is not working quite right. The depression is apparent. I wish she could pull herself up enough to realize she needs some positive thinking in her life to help herself feel better. Maybe if she could grab a positive line of thinking, she'd see the sugar and cigarettes were making her feel worse.

I wish I had some answers. Parents don't listen much to children, particularly daughters, even when the children are right. I think I would try to trick her into seeing a psychiatrist, maybe saying it was a requirement for her Medicaid to be evaluated. It would be nice if you could transfer some of this load to a good professional.
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I have read some of the comments and I am shocked, she is still your mother, as for the one who said she quit answering her moms calls, what if she's on the floor with a broken hip?? I took care of my mom for 6 years, both my brothers got killed and she starting going down hill finally broke both hips and became bedridden, she was a very active woman before this, nursing homes didn't work they are awful I finally quit my job moved in with her, and I have never had children so the first diaper I ever changed was my moms, (very hard) she got Dementia, and I got to my wits end sometimes but she's my mother and she didn't give up on me as a baby when I cried, it's true they turn into babies again. Their is a reason your mom acts the way she does, don;t give up on her, their were times my friends would call me and ask me to go out with them and I couldn't but I didn't blame it on my mom, I don't think you should use her age to say she could do better, my mom died on April 5th 2015 and I don't regret any of the time she took from me, I Love her and i miss her every minute of everyday, I would do it all over again, and I didn't have ANY help from anyone, my dad is gone and both brothers and now it's just me left and I'm only 63.....and not married. Please try and just hug and Love her everyday !!! I wish you luck and love.
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There's something seriously wrong with this picture! 59 is NOT old, and at 31 you have most of your life still ahead of you. There are so many things that your mother could do to improve her situation; but that is up to her to choose. Back away, let her make her own choices.
Has she been checked for depression? Sounds like her doctor isn't really helping her to change her lifestyle.
Ann Landers used to have an expression; No one can take advantage of you, unless YOU LET THEM!
Move on with your own life, and enjoy it. . .without feeling guilty!!
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So why don't you just stop? You are enabling her. Stop feeding into her lifestyle and use "tough love". If you do not, you may die before her. She has a death wish by not treating her body like a temple, and that is not your fault, it is hers. Stop.
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