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Brilliant responses & words of wisdom from everyone here...I'm starting to resent my mother too...I still love her of course, but I don't like the person she's become...I recently found out she has been lying to me about some sensitive issues my whole life...it's hurtful...I don't trust her anymore...I'm saddened & disillusioned...my image of her has taken a 360 degree spin.
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First of all, please give yourself a BIG HUG. It sounds as if you are wearing yourself out trying to please your Mom because she helped you through a rough patch. But you've lost sight of the fact that this is her job, as your mother, to help you. It doesn't mean you have to turn around and help her. In fact, it doesn't even sound as if she needs help. If she chooses to live in a dirty apartment and eat poorly... well, that's her choice. For your own sake, take the small caregiving fee and find someone else who is willing to do the job. Do it in baby steps if necessary, but start moving towards a solution before you ruin your life while trying to save hers.
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Your resentment will eventually become hatred. You have paid ypur debt to your mother over and above. Set up boundaries and do only what you feel you can handle. The rest is up to your mother. 59 is too yoing to expect to have a nursemaid. Your mother's poor health is her lack of exercise and diet. Take control of your life and don't let guilt stop you.
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Trevor, I am rolling on the floor laughing over that one!
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Is your brother someone who is willing to even listen? Will he do anything? Many people have siblings who are useless. Many cases are reported here. I hope yours is not one. I have a sibling who is useless, but ironically active in the "Family Values" movement.
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Quit the caregiving job. Call an agency. Hire an aide to do the cleaning and shopping.

Find yourself a therapist so you can figure out why you allow yourself to get sucked into abusive relationships; you're in one RIGHT NOW.
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I have many of the same feelings although my mom isn't self destructive. All her issues stem from cancer. But the calls, the expectations, the no good brother...I finally hired an evening and afternoon caregiver. She didn't want it but I did it anyway. It has helped me a lot. I still dread the calls. She called me at midnight the other night to tell me to come get her glasses she dropped on the floor. I couldn't believe it. I live right in front of her but still. I have started not answering my phone because if it is a reall emergency she will keep calling or leave a message. I go over daily and visit and get her up and ready most mornings.
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I agree with Trevor. Your mom is a spoiled brat.

Listen to me: just as in dog training, you have to set BOUNDARIES, RULES, AND LIMITATIONS.

Make a list of what she needs weekly, sit your brother down and divide the list in two.

You visit you mother once a week for one hour. You bring the important groceries. If she wants other things, she can get up and get them. When she complains, tell her to call your brother. If he doesn't respond, too bad. That is your mom's problem. He is her son just as much as you are her daughter.
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First of all, you are not a caregiver, you are an enabler. Stop it! She is only 59 and completely self-destructive. She needs psychiatric help. She urgently needs to straighten her life out. Maybe someone on this forum can advise you on how to get her on a sane course. If she is not willing to cooperate, you should not feel compelled to ruin your own life for someone who isn't worried about yours.
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