My husband is being treated for advanced cll/sll cancer that has transformed to Richter’s. In addition, he has severe HF, diabetes and depression. He stays in bed or on the couch and watches tv all day. Has trouble walking and refuses to use a cane or walker in the house. He also takes a lot of meds. He has stopped driving. He won’t go outside except when we go to his doctor appointments. Has he given up? Talks about wanting to die. He’s 77. I’m doing my best to keep him comfortable and happy. Should I just leave him alone in his misery and just take care of basic needs? The kids stop by once in a while. They have their jobs and kids. I’m exhausted.
Are you able to get a break from caregiving? Able to get outside and walk a bit?
Are you able to get a caregiver for a few hours a week, to give you a break?
Is your husband on hospice?
Tell us more, and I'm sure there will be other posters with some ideas.
Best wishes to you.
For what it's worth, I'm 46, and thanks to my chronic pain and autoimmune disorders, I have days (more than I would like) where all I can do is stay in bed or on the couch. I have trouble walking sometimes, take a lot of meds (10 daily? I forget) and since the sun aggravates my condition, I tend to avoid the outside like the plague. I get easily overwhelmed by loud noise, bright light, any smells at all, and people in general (i.e. like crowded grocery stores). I get grouchy and depressed a lot, especially when I'm in a lot of pain or I feel like I "can't do anything anymore."
With the diagnoses you've mentioned your husband has, several of which are incredibly serious and I imagine painful as well, I'm not really sure what you're *expecting* from him... I mean, I can't think he would be especially *cheery* and full of energy right now? What you've described sounds mostly normal for someone who is severely ill...?
That being said, no, since you're asking, I certainly don't think you should "just leave him alone in his misery" as you described, even if that's what he says he wants. He needs you, though he may not be willing to admit it just now, and not abandoning him will mean the world to him, even if he *doesn't* admit it.
It does sound like you could definitely use some respite care though. You are important too!! and you matter. Caretaking *is* exhausting and we all need a break to keep from getting burned out. Luckily in my case I still have a couple of millennials at home to help out when I start wanting to pull my hair out. Can your kids maybe work out a schedule between themselves to take over a day a week to give your some time off, or maybe as some others mentioned check into that hospice eval? Perhaps insurance would cover home health assistance?
Best of luck, hang in there
Ask his oncologist about your husband's prognosis. If he is terminal, your insurance should pay for hospice and you would receive more paid help. Even if your husband is "curable", his oncologist needs to know that your husband is losing the will to live. May his treatment needs to be adjusted.
As for yourself, it seems the care needed by your husband is wearing you out. Please ask family, friends, members of your faith community, and paid (sitters, home health...) for help. You need time to get 7-9 hours of sleep, 3 regular meals, time to care for yourself, and time to socialize with others.
My Dh, age 68, and still working FT, plans to retire the day after I turn 65, this July. His retirement plans?
Sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep.
Hot bath for 3-4 hours, then...
Sleep.
Yes, he is supremely depressed. He has many health issues and it is a huge miracle he's even alive.
I'm completely unable to even wrap my brain around this 'new' dynamic for which we are NOT prepared. He was going to work until 70. Just another 8 months past the July date.
When he chooses to sleep for 2-4 days, I shut the bedroom door and if he shows up when I have made meals, he eats. I refuse to bring him meals in bed.
The statement 'but when I retire, so do you!' has fallen on wise and deaf ears. My workload will double. He's a messy, messy guy. He's does NOTHING around the house and never has.
I have zero advice for you, only the deepest sympathy.