Hello! I’m seeking some resources or guidance about my family situation. My mother has dementia (doesn’t recognize anyone, needs assistance with dressing and eating). She lives with my step father. Unfortunately, he is refusing to pay for any help - home aid, therapies, palliative care. He is looking for the cheapest home to put her in (not even a memory care). He does not help her with anything and just keeps telling her to go to her room. I live 3 hours away but visit 1/week. When I visit she laughs, does puzzles, says she loves her home. Unfortunately, she cannot live with me because of some safety concerns. The thing is they have a LOT of money but he just won’t use it to help her have a good quality life. Could an attorney help to make him spend money to get her help she needs? They don’t qualify for anything free because of their income.
Honestly, I think the best tactic right now is to meet with him and have a calm, non-threatening talk about the realities of her care and his eventual needs. You can do the math for him for different scenarios: facility MC cost vs. in-home caregiver cost vs. adult day care. If he is looking for caregiving relief but doesn't want to spend money, he is deluded. If HE doesn't assign a DPoA and then experiences decline, he will become a ward of the county and they will put him in a county Medicaid facility and no family member will be in control of that or his finances until he passes. His money will not be well spent by the govt. Is that something he thinks is a good idea? Maybe he will be open to pondering some reality and facts. Or maybe you can set up a Zoom mtg with an elder law attorney with stepdad present (at his house). He won't be able to dismiss what an attorney would have to say.
Do you think it's possible he himself is experiencing decline? It often starts with loss of ability to reason well/poor decision-making. Does he have any children from a prior marriage? If so and if it's a good relationship it might be fruitful to contact those relatives to see if they can make any headway. Blended families have a lot of complexities. Control and distrust is often one of them. I wish you much success in helping your mom.
Just a thought.