Step-mother cheating on elderly father who wants divorce, but she controls everything. What avenues are open to us?

Duplicate post

Since your fil has suffered several strokes and it appears you do not have first hand knowledge of what is happening, I think before anything you need to ascertain if his accusations have any basis in reality. He may be developing vascular dementia, and paranoia often goes along with that. If his wife has behaved well up until now for the 30 years they have been together, I would really question his view of things.

So #1 check out his health, which I recognize might be difficult, but I would go into the situation being supportive to both of them. You haven't heard her side yet. My mother developed vascular dementia and had paranoia and delusions about what was happening to her. She told a good story to family at a distance and they believed her. Fortunately I knew what was true and what was not true. His dr/geriatrician should do a thorough neuropsychiatric evaluation. I presume they have checked on him regularly since his strokes.

#2 - If you find that, indeed, what your fil says is true, and he decides to divorce his wife, consider carefully whether or not you can manage 24/7 care of him in your home. Do you both work? You may need some physical adaptations to your home to make it safe and manageable for him. In time he may need bathing and toileting help and so on. Are you both prepared to do this? Of course, his daughter, your wife, wants him to be comfortable in the time he has left; however, there is more than one way to achieve that. These days assisted living accommodations can provide excellent care and environment if he has the funds.

#3. Does your mil have POA financial and medical? Depending on how things work out, you may need a consultation with a lawyer who specializes in elder law.

Good luck to you. It looks like a rocky road which ever way it turns.

guest - where is the original?

My wife's father wants divorce from his wife who has POA

Contact a family law attorney in the Florida county where he lives, using the local Lawyers Referral Service, justia or Martindale-Hubbell. Your father can bring an action for divorce which will give him control of those assets found to be his even if he has signed a power of attorney appointing his wife as his agent. If he is not up to managing the litigation himself, he can sign a Florida power of attorney appointing you or your wife his agent for litigation (and, if he wants, other purposes.)

What proof does your father-in-law have that his wife is cheating on him? Strokes are leaks in the brain that can cause damage and to what extent thinking is affected is anyone's guess. If they have been married for 30+ years, I am leaning toward this is an hallucination of your father-in-law and my suggestion is to talk with the step-mother, tell her what he has said, and see what she says. Maybe she needs a respite and would send him for a visit, or she may react differently. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Time has a way of sorting out a lot of confusion.

It could be delusional. I had to stop going for coffee at the local Starbucks because my husband thinks that I am meeting one of the guys. I try not to leave the house between 12 and 2 because I am probably meeting a guy for lunch. My husband has dementia

My husband had vascular dementia and often thought people had broken into the house and stolen various objects that he couldn't find. He told his children that I was trying to "put him away" and take his money (actually my income had always been about double his, but they didn't know that). He wouldn't go stay with his kids when I went out of town because he thought I was plotting to sell the house out from under him, totally untrue and not possible anyway. Then when I followed his health care directives, made years before, for no feeding tube, his children accused me of murder to take his money. After his death, I divided the money in his bank account three ways for them, but they still cut me out of their lives.

Even if there is a grain of truth in this and she is seeing someone else she seems to care for your FIL and has not abandoned him, they have been together for decades and she has been his caregiver for almost a third of that time. I'm sure this is not the happy retirement either of them had planned together, she may be lonely and in need of the companionship he can no longer give.

The first thing you're going to want to do is to find out if any of the accusations are really true. I strongly agree with getting your loved ones mentally evaluated for starters. Another question is whether or not any of the assets are in your dad's name. If he's the full owner of the house for starters, then you'll definitely want to get a lawyer as mentioned here, and definitely ASAP! If you know where any of the titles to the assets are, get a hold of them and look them over. If they are in his name then there's really not much she can do about him taking back his assets. If they're in her name, I'm not sure if there's going to be much you can do if she happened to bring anything with her into the marriage and they remained in her name alone. If they're shared assets in both names, then it looks like you're probably going to have to face the court and see what the judge does. Another thing you'll definitely want to check is the bank account. If his name is not on the bank account and it was supposed to be a joint account, I'm not sure what kind of records the bank would have on who deposited what but definitely have a bag look up those records to see when he may have contributed to the bank account. Whatever he contributed should come back to him. If the only account held between them was a joint account, you can't just drain the joint account and leave the other high and dry in a splint, that's wrong, that's just not right, because the other one also needs money to survive on. If there were other accounts, definitely go for the one with the most money in it if he's going to need money to move on and maybe even get a passport along with other necessities he's going to need

I'm going to disagree with many of the posters on here. Why should you give this wife the benefit of the doubt? This man is your father in law & your wife's father. Obviously, this wife is NOT her mother. Why would you even think about asking the wife what's going on with dad, or if she's really cheating on him? Think she'd come clean? Likely not.
What's even scarier is she doesn't NEED a POA in the state of Florida to take care of dad or his finances. Spouses naturally have a lot of legal power in FL. The ONLY reason for her to want to be his POA is so you can't help dad! To start with I suggest if he's still of sound mind that you have him make you or some other trusted person his new POA and revoke all prior POA designations. If he doesn't do this now, and becomes too ill, you won't be able to help him- no matter how unhappy he is with this wife, she will rule to the bitter end.
May I ask if there is financial gain for the wife if he dies with her in charge? That's often the case - Florida is rife with gold diggers.

Actually, every state has its golddiggers. Such was the case with my bio dad's POA and there may have been fraud involved when my dad was not of sound mind and I didn't even know the man was still living when I thought he died long ago. I strongly agree with encouraging your dad to make any arrangements he wants for himself now while he can before it's too late. You just never know these days when even someone closest to you may take advantage of you when your most vulnerable. Taking care of things when you're young is the best time to make those arrangements and to protect yourself if you don't really have anyone right now. Practicing preventative strategies when you're young will help you come up with a working strategy by time you're old and you find what works for you. We can learn from others how to protect ourselves by paying attention what others have been through. We can all learn valuable lessons on how to protect ourselves against golddiggers when we're old

I also see you are from Canada. Are you aware that FL law allows the surviving spouse to take an elective share of 30% + any legal expenses? This means that even if dad writes this wife out of the will, or leaves her very little, she can 'elect' to take against the will - 30% of his assets, + expenses. His final wishes don't mean anything - this is the law in FL (& a few other states in the US). For some spouses it's about getting the money, for others, it's about having power over another person.
I know a bit about this - my father lives in FL, my mother is deceased, and he has remarried - a gold digger!
Is it all about the money? No. You might be concerned about dad's health, wellbeing & happiness. Well, my dad got sick last year, realized the wife was no good, & then the wife tried to withhold medical care from him. (She was so excited at the prospect of him dying soon, & she was going to help that happen.) I was able to intervene for my dad, but only because he was still of sound mind, and he made me his POA. He his recovering now, but unfortunately he had to have amputations, and has a chronic infection.

There are ways to get around the will and just not have one like my dad did. He died without a will and yet he had lots of money and a house that was probably gained fraudulently. People often turn their assets over to someone else before anything happens to them so they make sure whoever they want to have something actually gets it and those they don't want to have it don't get it. I must agree that to some point that close relatives do have some rights in some cases depending on the case because each case is different. Since cases vary from case to case, each case should be carefully reviewed before final decisions are made after the fact. Sometimes rightful heirs are wrongfully cheated out of an inheritance, which is where a lawyer comes in handy because lawyers will definitely spot inconsistencies but also so can the rightful family. Depending on what was done with the assets will depend on how a judge would handle the situation and maybe even overturn what was done to make it null and void in some situations if necessary, especially if someone made a major decision when they were not of sound mind, and fraud was involved. Not all assets are obtained honestly, they may be obtained fraudulently and a judge is the only one who can sort it out in the end.

For those of you worried about "gold diggers" did you notice that this woman has been married to the FIL for more than THIRTY YEARS? Come on, she didn't marry him 30 years ago hoping he would die soon.

FIL had strokes 8 years ago. His mental state then was such that he allowed his wife to handle all financial matters. I wouldn't automatically assume that he is in his right mind or that any fraud was involved. Adults should get to make their own decisions, including bad decisions. But when an adult is cognitively impaired those who love him should try to prevent self-destructive decisions.

I think it is imperative that this man's daughter find out what is REALLY going on before supporting his decision to get a divorce.

My husband developed dementia when we had been married "only" 30 years. He went through a paranoid period when he accused me of stealing his money, holding him captive, etc. Fortunately his daughters were not half a continent away and could readily tell what was going on. They were extremely supportive of me as I took care of their father.

Maybe the FIL in this case is not delusional. Maybe a divorce would be a good decision. But I'd sure investigate the situation thoroughly before coming to any conclusions.

Married for decades doesn't always mean happily married. My parents were a perfect example of that, and I always wondered why they never split but now I know why. If dad would've left her despite her killing my sister and being a cheater and child killer, she would've been sleeping under a bridge somewhere because she couldn't get a job, no one would hire her. She lived off my dad her whole life and never worked. They were very unhappy despite being married for decades. Married for decades doesn't always mean happily married as was the case with my drunken abusive parents. There may be some things the outside world doesn't necessarily know until a child is removed from the home, which is when the real truth comes out. People tend to envy people who are married for decades and they wonder what makes them tick. Being married for decades is good if you're happily married, torture if you're not. I speak from experience from years of observation before my eventual rescue. We had to look and act perfect to the outside world as not to tip our hands to the "secret". My mom was definitely a gold digger and most likely so was my dad's lady friend after mom died, some people are just too greedy to care for their own kids, and they would rather kill them. If they survive abuse that should've killed them, the abusive parents tend to never make it right and would rather die denying their own children. I barely survived childhood and have a certain level of damage from the abuse that killed my sister. Married for decades doesn't always mean happily married, there may be some dark secrets the outside world doesn't know about.
Yes, every marriage has its problems, that's normal. However, more times than not, there are a certain number of households hiding very deep dark secrets and some couples will stay together to cover for each other in some way or another. Once again, decades of marriage doesn't always mean happily married. Something people out here are all too familiar with what (really) goes on behind closed doors in secrets as the children are coached after abuse and groomed into keeping quiet, only to be threatened to be kicked out at 18 with only the shirt on your back and nothing more. This can be devastating to any child who barely survived childhood and was always quarantined and would have no idea what life is really like outside of quarantine because they have no survival skills. Taking someone straight from quarantine and kicking them straight out into the street not caring if they survive or what happens to them speaks volumes of those who were supposed to be properly caring for that child. I'm sure someone would've caught up with me sooner or later had I stayed to 18 and had to leave with just the clothes on my back. I'm sure my abusers would've gotten in very serious trouble with the law.

I can only speak from personal experience with what I know, I can't speak what I don't know. This site request that we speak from experience and what we know, which is what I'm doing.

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Married for decades doesn't always mean happily married, not necessarily! You never know what may really be going on until something happens that reveals what's really going on secretly behind closed doors.

Someone may be "crying wolf" here. It's best to confirm if this is an untruth.

Don't assume bringing him to Canada will get him on our health care - check it out - unless he has Canadian citizenship he will need to apply to come here & most likely will be denied as a 'drain' on the system without having made any input - check it out - recently a university prof was denied landed immigrant status because of disabled child