Hi, need ideas from anyone with experience with this situation. Long story short - my father is 80 with dementia and Parkinsons. I am the only child of three who lives in the same area; my brother and sister are out west. We are all in our fifties. My father's wife is his only caregiver, and in my estimation she herself has become increasingly mentally ill. The three of us are subject to passive-aggressive attacks and emails, verbal abuse, etc. We have offered to help take care of my father, but if you cannot do it on her terms you are being uncooperative and ungrateful.
His wife has done all she can to basically cut us out from any interaction with our father. It is very difficult to get them to answer the phone, or respond to email. I have gone to their house at nite more than once in order to see if they were ok. If you're familiar with the Kasey Kasem situation, it's very similar to that.
My brother and sister would like to see their father before it is too late. My brother plans to fly here with his wife from California unannounced and just show up at their door. My sister may come down unannounced at Thanksgiving. The reason being if you try to set anything up through his wife, she refuses to cooperate and blocks us from seeing him.
My phone calls to my father have dwindled, as have my emails, since he rarely responds to either.
Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions re: how to handle this? We have tried to work with her, to no avail. As I mentioned, she is generally rude, vicious, and uncooperative. Thanks for your help.
What has been frustrating for me in particular, is I'd hoped to be of some help to my father in his old age, as he's always been of great help to me. I had to come to the realization that that was not going to be allowed. Not to sound uncaring, but I also have my own issues - I am single, broke, and unemployed, and need to find work to support myself. Taking care of me has to be my first priority, and given that I'm already working 100 hrs/week, I don't have much time or energy left to really deal with this. So in a lot of ways I have just been leaving it alone. I talk to my dad far less, but try to call occasionally. I like the idea of sending cards or letters. He doesn't respond b/c he cant remember to. I can pray for him also. Other than that I am at a loss about what to do.
Thanks for listening, and for any ideas. I really appreciate it.
How long ago were they married? I assume that your father did not have dementia at that time? It sounds like your father made a decision (perhaps by default) to do nothing to protect his children's interest.in his estate or to ensure ongoing contact with them. It is not just the wicked stepmother standing in your way, but the actions or lack of actions by both of them. That doesn't make it any easier to take (I suspect it makes it worse), but it might help to recognize that reality rather than treat SM as the enemy.
Can you appeal to both of them? Write a letter addressed to both of them, asking how they each are, thanking SM for taking care of Dad, etc. Send Dad a cheery "Thinking of you" card, and also one to SM? They both are facing difficult times.
Send flowers addressed to both of them. Recognize that your father chose to put her first in his life.
If all you want is to visit him and have contact with him, these measures and unannounced visits MIGHT help along those lines.
If you are hoping to share in the "good bit of money" they have, that doesn't seem as likely to me.
Hugs to you and your siblings. This has good to be very difficult!
What you describe is very, very sad, for all of you. My heart goes out to you!
Your father's lack of response may be due to the dementia. He could perhaps talk with you on the phone or dictate answers to emails if he had his wife's support. Evidently that isn't happening. Don't assume your father has lost interest in you. I think unannounced visits are worth trying.
You've offered to help take care of Father, but step-mother will only accept it on her terms. What are her terms? Is there any way you can meet her terms? Obviously that is not fair or right, but if it helps achieve your objective of interacting with Father, it might something to consider.