Stepmother will not arrange care. What should I do?

First of all, you cannot be charged with neglect. Secondly, if your mother is of sound mind and determined to do this, you cannot prevent her from doing this. But you can and you should now be explaining to her that she is 78 and she cannot continue safely to render this care, that it will KILL her quite literally and then your father will be alone and without her.
Village, I am assuming that you are the only child, and there is no other help?
I have to tell you that I am 78 and well, but that I would in no way be capable of rendering this care.
The Lawyer was correct. You will not be charged with neglect. APS is correct that if your mother is of sound mind you cannot prevent HER from doing what she is. What you CAN DO, and I feel what you should do for your own health and sanity, is explain to your mother that this cannot continue. That the next time she goes to the hospital she will have to order TWO ambulances, one for her and one for your father, because you cannot and you WILL NOT intervene in his care. If she doesn't do it, and is removed to the hospital, then YOU Must do it and say that he is a senior without care because his wife has been hospitalized, and that you are unable PHYSICALLY or MENTALLY to render care. It is then on the EMS to get Dad to the hospital. This is the only thing that will get the ball rolling in getting them care.
Let me tell you Village, as long as you intervene and try to take over when Mom is hospitalized, the "system", APS, doctors, lawyers will be of no help.
This is a tragedy and you must be frantic. You and your Mom must both be frantic. But until Mom gets your dad placement and understands that she must, none of this is going to change, and it could kill both your Mom and yourself before it does your Dad. I am so sorry.

Your only good choice, the one that will save your sanity and health, is to back out of this. Tell, (I think it’s stepmom?) that you’re no longer able to help care for your dad. You don’t owe her a big explanation, you’re an adult and get to choose what’s best for you. There’s no way you can keep this up, she has options, just because she may not like them doesn’t force you to participate in their madness. Please save your health and back out of it immediately, it doesn’t make you a bad daughter, and it may just force them to get the kind of help they really need

Call social services for their county and report your dad as a vulnerable adult. Keep reporting him. Your step-mom doesn't control him unless she is his durable PoA and only if she is. Just because they're married doesn't give her license to neglect him. If your step-mom is not cognitively impaired, this is what you can accurately tell her:

You (or someone anonymous) will continue to report her husband to APS. If no one has durable PoA for him, and the county does agree that he's a vulnerable adult then the county has the authority to remove him from the home no matter what the step-mom says or wants. The county will then pursue guardianship of your dad (and get it). Then the county will control everything: where he resides, what medical care he receives, his share of their assets, etc. Your step-mom needs to understand that this is also what is waiting for her if she doesn't assign a durable PoA for herself (hopefully not you but does she have other children?) It sounds to me like they both have cognitive issues, not just stubbornness. But you don't have any obligation to "fix" their situation. Legally if you're not the PoA for either of them you can't do anything, so you will need to let it all go emotionally and mentally. I understand this is easier said than done so I'm not saying this lightly. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart as you let go.

Next time your stepmother goes to hospital, immediately phone APS and say that your father is without care and you are unable to provide it. Tell the hospital the same thing. Don’t go to care for him, say it is an emergency. APS is right in saying that they cannot force her to hire care, but if she is in hospital and can’t provide care herself, it changes everything for APS.

WHO at APS told you you could be charged with neglect, and what was the rest of the conversation like?

You don't say what is taking your stepmother to hospital, but it does sound as if the time has come when it's no longer any good expecting her to come up with sensible answers. She can't care for her husband. She - whatever she thinks - can't decide that you are going to care for your father when she isn't there. But it probably isn't fair to expect her to be knowledgeable, practical and reasonable about the alternative solutions; so do the research yourself.

Let's assume she's soon no longer able to look after herself, let alone him too, and there will be change come what may. What do you see as the solution for his care? Have you got as far as finding out what agencies (or what facilities) might offer the services they need?

If she is competent, the decisions about care are indeed hers to make. But that does NOT mean that she can decide that YOU will be the care provider. Prepare a little folder/information sheet/fact file about resources (telephone numbers, contact names, summary of services) and have it ready for next time. She can choose A, B, C right through to Z; but your name does not appear on the list of possibilities.

my Dad’s wife doesn’t love my Dad. She doesn’t care if it kills her or not. It’s all about HER and what can she get everyone around her to do just for HER and her program.

Village, if your stepmother is competent and solvent, and if she refuses to access or authorise you to access support and services for her husband that you bring to her attention, then it is she who is guilty of neglect and not you.

So you call APS and report him as a vulnerable adult with no caregiver if he is left alone and shouldn't be.

If she is demanding you care for him you say "no, I can't possibly do that".

Is she using Fear, Obligation and Guilt (F.O.G.) to manipulate you?

Have you read the book "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud?

Village, I'm sorry that this onerous task of making sure your dad is cared for has fallen to you. It is terribly stressful, doubly so when the elder is stubborn and not seeing how much stress and distress they are causing their child.

If EMS thinks that knowing the name of the town he lives in makes him competent, I would be on the phone to the Area Agency on Aging and APS to get my ducks in a row for the inevitable "next time".

Additionally, I would not show up the next time stepmom is taken to the hospital. I would inform the hospital SW by phone that your dad is alone and that you are far away.

And remember, if "officially" dad is competent, you have no obligation to provide care for him, do you?

I have been thinking about this.

Your father has a wife. It is her responsibility to care for her husband. I am with the lawyer, APS can not make you take on the responsibility of Dad. I would call them and talk to a different SW. Explain your situation concerning your job you cannot quit. Tell the SW that ur father's wife is making it hard for you to get caregivers into their home. You feel when she is hospitalized that Dad needs to be put on respite care or permanently put in LTC because his wife is not able to care for him. Your hands are tied. Ask if it would be possible for APS to evaluate their situation and offer resources available to them. Have them explain to her that she needs to hire the appropriate people to care for them. That as much as you would like to help, you need to work. If they again say you can be charged with neglect tell them you have spoken to a lawyer and he says that is not true. There is no law that says a child needs to care for a father. Especially, I would think, when there are funds that can be used for their care.

I really don't understand how a wife can't be charged with neglect but a daughter can. I would ask APS what would they do if you were in another state or not didn't exist.

The person you spoke to at APS is either incompetent, lazy, or being bribed by your stepmother. Talk to his or her superior the next time your stepmother is in the hospital and leaves your father without care. Your stepmother will be cited, not you, and your father will either be moved or given assistance.

I believe the key here is that some situations simply can't be solved because the people who need help won't accept it and won't let others work to get it for them. Others, in this case Village, have to get the appropriate authorities involved (not always easy, as seen in this case)....and then let the chips fall where they will. One can't ruin his/her life trying to fix what others won't allow to be fixed. Village's life and well-being are important, too.

Village,
I agree that I find it hard to believe that you could be charged with neglect. I would also suggest that you speak with someone else from APS.
Do you have any step siblings that may be able to convince Step mom that she needs help?
Another resource is your local Council for Aging Services. They have lawyers and others that can advise you.
You tell us that Dad is only taking candy and Ensure. No water! This is cause for great concern.
This sounds horrible I know, but are you sure that the reason Step mom doesn't want help isn't because she's ready for him to pass? Red flag?
Perhaps the next time she goes to the hospital, call 911 and have Dad taken to the hospital. Malnutrition! If he is due to be released before her, you can refuse to pick him up. They will need to send him to skilled nursing.
Sending prayers your way!!

If she is the one refusing then she is the one to be charged with neglect.
On the other hand if she does end up in hospital for months that’s the perfect opportunity to get APS to take charge of the situation.

Village, I am so sorry you are going through this awful ordeal. As if the pain of seeing your Father decline isn't tragic enough, you have the contention going on too.
When my Dad needed more care than Mom and I could provide we hired a caregiver to come to the house. I know you said your step mother was against it, and so was my Mom at first, but the caregiver was wonderful! She took great care of Dad and of Mom too. Within a couple visits she became completely beloved and was at Dad's side with the family when he passed.
I might suggest you hire someone to come over and meet Dad and Stepmother, introducing her as one who can help when stepmother goes to hospital again. You can explain to stepmother that YOU need help and if she will not arrange for it, you will. I'm sure a caregivers value will soon prove itself to your Dad and stepmother.
Best of luck to you. My Dad just passed this week and I understand how trying dementia can be in the best of situations.

When you contacted the atty, was he in Elder Law or just an atty? If not Elder Law, you need to find one who is, to answer your questions and get proper advice. I agree w/ others that APS shouldn't be telling you that you'd be charged with neglect or abuse - your stepmother is the responsible party for his care. THEY should be suggesting what alternatives you have if she can't/won't provide care.

I would contact them again and if given the same crap, ask for someone else, a supervisor, someone up the food chain. I'd start with the fact that even when she's home she isn't providing proper care for your father. Stress that you are concerned for his well-being, esp when she's hospitalized. If ANYONE starts that crap about you having to step in, clearly state you have legal advice stating you AREN'T responsible and CAN'T be charged, but also state that due to being employed you can't provide the care he NEEDS AND that SM won't listen to reason and refuses to secure help for him. SHE'S the one who is being neglectful, even when she is home, and THEY need to know this. Demand that someone is assigned to this case and fully assesses the situation.

Meanwhile, a quick search only showed 1 Elder law near you, but there are more - they aren't close (1+ hr, some 2 hrs or more), but I would try contacting more of these attys:

The link I got was too long, so Google search "elder attorney WV", then click on "More Places" under the list provided by the first search. For me this showed a map and a list of 13 places (some are the same law firm, just other locations.)

Have a list of statements and questions, such as:
Clearly state that your father is not competent and medically frail.
State that your stepmother refuses help, but has frequent hospitalizations.
State that SM doesn't provide proper care even when she is home.
State that SM won't consider placement.
State that you can't care for him.
Ask what options there are to ensure he is properly cared for.
Ask what options there are to ensure he isn't left alone.

Even if she or you have POAs, these aren't enough to make decisions for placement, unless the document is explicit enough, which it likely isn't. POAs are mainly for allowing you to make financial (or medical) decisions, signing paperwork for the person, etc when they are not capable or competent. We had all those documents before they were needed and when mom wouldn't consider moving anywhere, the EC atty told me we couldn't force her. He suggested guardianship, which is costly and takes time. There was no spouse as dad had passed yrs before. The facility we chose wouldn't accept "committals", which are those under guardianship. They told me to just "get her here, we'll take it from there."

I note that WV has filial laws, BUT those are mainly focused on ensuring that children of those who need care provide finances, if they can (these are not often invoked.) The point here is that filial laws have nothing to do with charging you if you don't provide the care. Also, since your SM is legally the next of kin, SHE would be the responsible party.

Start by contacting APS again and be somewhat forceful - not nasty, just don't take NO for an answer. Express your concerns not only for having him home alone when she is hospitalized, but also being neglected when she is home. If they still refuse, you can mention that you are seeking legal representation and will have an EC atty contact them if they refuse to provide any help. Meanwhile, do that search, talk to as many as you can and hopefully at least one will be useful! If nothing else, you could file for guardianship. You may have to front the money to hire one, ask if you can get reimbursed later, once he has proper care and their finances are split. I would think yes, esp if they grant guardianship to you. Being guardian doesn't mean you provide the care. Takes effort and time but you would be the control. You can also let the state assume guardianship.

Lol, forget about it, forget about any charge of neglect. You are not legally responsible to care for him. You need to earn a living for yourself. The person who lives with him and he himself need to seek out care if they need it. Or call APS yourself anonymously to do a welfare check. It is not your legal responsibility. Tell APS I'm sorry, i am physically, mentally and financially unable to do more than I am able, and I have teaching responsibilities and my own health to worry about it. So sorry. They cannot charge you with "neglect".

When she goes the the hospital, send him along with her. I once had to care for a dementia patient when his wife/caregiver was admitted for a heart attack. The hospital will find a place for him. Their social workers with then address more permanent placement for him.

I do have one question and that is WHY isn’t your Step-Mother concerned about your Dad? Does she also have dementia or is she just cheap and won’t hire help? If she isn’t mentally impaired, then she is using you and very selfish. You may have a wonderful relationship with her but is she using you? Have she told you why she won’t get help? Is she listening to your Dad say no and she abides by his wishes? See a GOOD elder law attorney and see what he recommends. The way you have this worded, it is like nobody will help or discuss so you have it hemmed up to where no suggestions will fit the problem. That just isn’t true. There is an elder law office that will give you advice but you need to ask for referrals from friends or ask a regular attorney to point you in the direction of a good elder attorney that is not snotty acting. I went to elder law attorney 4 times in 4 years about my parents due to the spend down to Medicare. They WILL help you. My consults were one hour long and approx $200.00 each. Worth every dime.

I just saw below where you said step mom is competent. Yes she is abusing him and using you over money. Your only recourse is to report her to social services, DHHS, or any government agency that will hear you out. I posted right before I saw your response that I missed before. Good luck to you.

FMLA is not for people with children. It's for anyone. It can be paid leave by your company or it could be that you use your own sick leave, for a parent, and when your accrued leave runs out, you go on leave without pay. The company has to secure a job for you for 12 weeks. If you are only off intermittently, it could take a long while to use up 12 weeks. And, if I remember correctly, it is based on a rolling 12 month period - it was where I worked - meaning April 19 to 24, 2020 you take medical leave to care for your parent. On May 1, you take one day. In April 2021, the April leave will no longer be counted against your FMLA, And In May 2021, the one day would no longer count. You would be back at a 12 week FMLA balance to use. -- I will say, you need to provide statements from stmom's doctor to verify she is in hospital and dad needs care at home. Also, your employer has to have a certain number of employees to be required to give this type of leave.

However, with all that said, bottom line is you prefer st/mom hire someone when she cannot be there. She is considered his primary caretaker, so if APS is going to go after a person for neglect, I'd think it would be her and not you. Maybe it's time to turn the tables and send APS to her find out what the plan is if she has to be hospitalized again. If you find out when the visit is planned, be there to be very clear that you are unable to take off so much work and would be happy to help stmom find someone now to do a few hours each week and expand hours if st mom can't be there. Then you could start looking for the help now to cover the clothes dressing and other things stmom needs help with each day - get the ball rolling, so to speak. (I say all of this assuming there is money to pay for his care - if not, if you are on his health release forms for his doctor, make an appointment and go see him yourself. He might be able to order some in home health services for him. )

First of all, I do not think you have any legal responsibilities to care for your stepmother. As to your father, immediately look for a different doctor and transfer all the records. Get a POA. Also go to the local Office on Aging and ask for help and advice. You might also want to ask your local senator and assemblyman to step in and get help for you - it works. You must get your father placed before you lose it all and have a breakdown. As to her, stand firm and tell her the buck stops now - she has to abide by the rules set down for her. She must accept help or you will walk away - for good. And if either ends up in the hospital and rehab, NEVER, EVER TAKE THEM HOME AGAIN. YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT AND SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

Imho, there may come a time quite soon for facility living for your LO and his spouse. Prayers sent.

Village - regarding your reply to my comment:

"She DOES care for him at home. I don't know why people keep thinking she does not."
It was implied by the various post replies you made that she really doesn't provide the care - seems like you do more. Just not wanting to spend any money to see that he gets proper care would imply that as well. Leaving him to his own devices when she is hospitalized isn't exactly caring for him, now is it? If you were indisposed, what would happen to him?

"To be honest, I don't know where you got where I live, and it is a privacy thing. I don't like how you announced my state. You should not have done that; it was not necessary."
Although it is no longer there, your PROFILE listed it, so I wasn't posting anything that wasn't already available. I am not a mind reader and have no clue who you are so there would be NO way for me to figure that out. I only listed the state, but the profile had the town as well, when it was still there. If I could still edit the comment I would take it out for you, but edit is no longer available.

Sorry that we annoy you, we ARE only trying to help. Best of luck to you.

Village, I'm so sorry that your beloved father is married to a heartless and selfish creature. But I hope that you are able to take some of the advice here, which I cannot top because I have never been in your situation. But I do know that if you don't take care of yourself now in this crazy time, you will get sick, may lose your job, and possibly lose your father regardless because you will not be able physically or financially to help him. And Take Care of yourself.

Whomever from APS told you that you could be charged with neglect doesn't know what they are talking about.  He doesn't live with you and you do not have guardianship, so no worries there.  The problem is your father is in need of care when his wife is ill and in the hospital or rehab and she won't allow it.  Unfortunately, you can't force her to hire help.  Really all you can do is repeatedly file complaints with APS.  Some times do it anonymously and other times use your name.  It will be on file that multiple complaints are being made and maybe someone will look into it.  Help him when you can.  I am sure it is maddening, but what else can you do. Sounds like she could very well pass before he does.  If that happens, you can step in and get him the care he needs by placing him.

Take care of yourself.

Village,
To elaborate on my previous post,
You had expressed how exhausting it is to take care of your Dad. Imagine being 78 and in very poor health and being his caregiver.
My Uncle was caregiver for not only the Aunt, but their 61 year old mentally ill son.
Although he never shared with me what was going on , whether it was pride, shame or simply not knowing what to do, I found out that he quit taking his meds 5 months before he passed.
I am in no way suggesting that your stepmother is heartless or cruel!
It could be that she truly loves your Dad, but doesn't know what to do. She's most likely exhausted too! Maybe out of desperation, intentionally doing nothing may seem a plausible solution in her mind!
My hubby is a Doctor. When I told him that your Dad was only taking candy and Ensure, he agreed that was concerning.
Hound the Hell out of APS!
File reports!
Take pictures!
Depending on the laws in your state, record conversations with your stepmother!
You can fight this!!
Don't give up!
((((Hugs))))

Having done protective services, u cannot be charged with neglect unless u are a caretaker for him it is not your responsibility, that belongs to you're stepmother, unless u are his POA, there is nothing u can do.
If u live in the home or not with them, consider calling APS yourself that you are unable to provide for his care in your stepmother's absence and u need help.
U could hire private sitter to come into the home while u work but financially u are not responsible.
If u do not live in the home, u have to tell stepmother she has got to pay some because you cannot.
If she is out of hospital, I would put it in writing to her 5hst she has to have a plan for him if she is hospitalized.
Wishing u well

See her as often as you can. If she creates and appears to be a "danger to Herself or Himself"....A.P.S. will respond to what you see that is a "danger to self".
When you go over, be friendly and give appearance of "enjoyment".
The hospital must be "eating" the long term bill. Souds like they are doing what the patient wants. She or He can not get into rehab without valid medical diagnosis or rehab will not get paid.
If He is refusing care and "competent" you can not be sued for neglect. He must de-compinsate to being a danger to himself. If you need to know what that means ask the A.P.S. worker what he looks for. Excuse my cofusion on He or She. What I am saying applys for both. If he is refusing to drink..it will not be "long" and His wife will have to call the ambulance or coroner. The pain for you is seen and felt. You have to "let go" and still make contact for your own sanity.