I got called trifling,lazy and evil a lot when I was growing up. Now I see it was a sought of diversion and manipulation to keep me indebted and guilty to continue being my mothers puppet and cleaner and maid. I love her dearly but How to I end the resentment when I see the same behaviors. I live with my mom and as she gets older I am seeing that she never really cleaned or did any of the things she chastized me and belittled me for. Now I get bitter feelings because im doing the same thing I had to do as a child when she was supposedly more healthy and she has always said I havent ever done anything for her and Im constantly doing. I feel burnt out emotional. Sometimes I feel I cant respect myself if I do certain things because Im doing the cinderella things again and Im supposedly stop being cinderella but certain things have to be done and realizing most of these skills my mother never had which is why I had to do it.
As LorieB quote (many have said) "You can't change other people, you can only change the way you react to them." Read Lorrie's response since she seems to have pulled herself out of a similar situation.
I hope that you can get this in hand enough so that you can say I'm leaving for awhile, and go to regular counseling sessions. In the end, you are likely to have to find separate living situations. I hope that you aren't financially obligated to live with your mom. If you are, then ask for help with that, too. Local family service organizations are a good free or sliding scale place to start.
Take care of yourself first!
Carol
There's one question I've began to ask myself when I'm feeling belittled by her. Why should it matter how she feels about me? She no longer has power over my life and I know who I am. Is this question working with me? Well, kind of, but I still get p*ssed when I'm treated badly. I've learned it doesn't help much to fuss about it, because then I'm seen as the bad guy fussing at her.
You really can't win. You just decide what you can do. If your mother is like mine, she will light into me about something she wants done and not let up. It's hard to know how to handle it when our No's are not respected. All we can do is try to keep our heads down or leave when it gets too bad.
I don't know about you, but I am starting to feel I'm too irritable now to continue doing this. I get mad easily now. I know it is because I've had enough.
It is very hard to extricate oneself from a lifetime of lopsided, especially when the lopsided comes from one's mother.
No one but you really knows what you have gone through, and all the idiots who admonish you to "be kind to her, she's old" are people who fatuously imagine they are wise -- that they know enough about your situation to give advice. Makes them feel good about themselves; is zero help to you, and may even feel like a put-down: as if you haven't been kind to her all your life, as if old age weren't just the latest excuse for your having to accept her treatment of you!
Of course you will continue to be kind. But please follow the excellent advice of others in this queue -- read some good self-help books, see a professional counselor whatever way you can, get outside in the fresh air, give yourself permission to take care of yourself in all ways, including socially. Just do it. She will never give you permission, so don't wait for it. Give permission to yourself.
Yes Holly - we had no siblings to share perspective on the treatment at home, an aspect I hadn't really considered yet. It does get harder as we age and don't have the resiliency of youth to bounce back from each tirade. Keep strong DDDuck. Keep strong, everyone. I hear life gets better.
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