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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Your profile says that your mother has midstage dementia. I'd focus on not arguing or disagreeing with someone who has dementia. You won't be able to convince her, so, plan in advance how you will respond, without contesting her.
People who suffer with dementia really aren't able to control their behavior. It's due to the brain damage. I know that it can be very hurtful and frustrating, but, it's a medical issue and the patient can't be blamed. I do think that if you can accept that it's not her talking, but, her illness, it's easier to deal with it.
I would keep in mind that sometimes this kind of behavior can fade away as she progresses to another stage. Still, I would discuss her behavior with her doctor. If she is depressed or anxious, medication can sometimes help with that. My LO's mood got much better when she went on a daily med for anxiety and depression. She then seemed content and is very kind to everyone.
You can also go to you tube to view videos by Teepa Snow on understanding and managing the behavior we encounter with people who have dementia. I have found them helpful. Perhaps, you can explain to others what is going on with your mother, so they understand.
I'm not going to repeat what Sunnygirl1 wrote, but I do agree with it completely. It is out of your mother's control. Meds can help. How you treat her can diffuse the situation somewhat.
Was your mother generally belligerent before the dementia set in? If so, there may be other things going on in addition to the dementia. Again, medication may help.
It is extremely common for persons with dementia to worry that someone is stealing from them, and to make accusations. My husband accused me of stealing. (Kind of ironic since I was the one supporting us. Sort of like you using your own funds and still Mother accuses you. Nothing is fair or logical about this disease.) BTW, you didn't ask, but I'd question the wisdom of using your own funds for mother's needs. You will be old someday, too. Who will be paying for you?
Often the "stealing" paranoia goes away, as Sunny says. For my husband it lasted a few months ... the worst few months of his 10 years of dementia, in my opinion! But it did leave completely.
Are you living with your mother? If not, how much time do you spend with her? Is your father a part of this picture? What kind of doctor is following your mother's dementia" (GP, Neuro, Psych, Geriatrician, etc)
I strongly suggest joining a support group, preferably one for caregivers of persons with dementia.
Come back and post here anytime. Lots of us have been through what you are experiencing.
Good points above. I'd also add to try to get help with your mother. Taking breaks and not neglecting your own interests will help ward off exhaustion and overload. This site is quite helpful. I learn something almost every day. It's good to just vent as well.
Hi Terrified, I remember this phase. It was the worst phase so far (she's in stage 6 now). I was so hurt and embarrassed by what mom said. And she was no sweetie pie to others either. It's as if all inhibition is lost and, just like a small child, they blurt out whatever they are thinking, like it or not. They are completely irrational because their brain is being eaten away. They don't have memory or control of what they think or say. I remember being devastated with things like, "You stole all my money." "You threw me on the floor and stole my pain medication." "You want to molest me in the shower." Oh God, what horrible (and untrue) accusations! She told everyone at the senior living apartments these stories also. I was investigated by Adult Protective Services and "cleared" due to her advanced dementia. I moved her into memory care shortly after that. Sunny girl and jeannegibbs have great ideas. I can't think of anything I would add to their recommendations. I'm empathizing with you, this is a damn hard phase of this disease. Just explain that mom has dementia and most people will understand her horrible behavior. Try to avoid an argument and agree with her even though what she's saying is absurd. A person can't get mad or argue with someone who is agreeing with them. Learn diversion tactics. Switch the subject, tell her you have to go to the bathroom, press the ringer on your cell phone to simulate a call, do whatever you need to do to change the situation. If it gets too bad (and you live separately) go home, if you live together, go to your room. Even though you can't fault her for her behavior, you are human and may find you have a boiling point with her nastiness. That's OK. Leave BEFORE you start screaming back. Or, as others on this board do, go scream your lungs out in a closet or garage, just not at her. We've all been through this phase. We're available as a shoulder to cry on and an open ear. This phase will pass (but not nearly soon enough). Good luck and God bless you all.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
People who suffer with dementia really aren't able to control their behavior. It's due to the brain damage. I know that it can be very hurtful and frustrating, but, it's a medical issue and the patient can't be blamed. I do think that if you can accept that it's not her talking, but, her illness, it's easier to deal with it.
I would keep in mind that sometimes this kind of behavior can fade away as she progresses to another stage. Still, I would discuss her behavior with her doctor. If she is depressed or anxious, medication can sometimes help with that. My LO's mood got much better when she went on a daily med for anxiety and depression. She then seemed content and is very kind to everyone.
You can also go to you tube to view videos by Teepa Snow on understanding and managing the behavior we encounter with people who have dementia. I have found them helpful. Perhaps, you can explain to others what is going on with your mother, so they understand.
Was your mother generally belligerent before the dementia set in? If so, there may be other things going on in addition to the dementia. Again, medication may help.
It is extremely common for persons with dementia to worry that someone is stealing from them, and to make accusations. My husband accused me of stealing. (Kind of ironic since I was the one supporting us. Sort of like you using your own funds and still Mother accuses you. Nothing is fair or logical about this disease.) BTW, you didn't ask, but I'd question the wisdom of using your own funds for mother's needs. You will be old someday, too. Who will be paying for you?
Often the "stealing" paranoia goes away, as Sunny says. For my husband it lasted a few months ... the worst few months of his 10 years of dementia, in my opinion! But it did leave completely.
Are you living with your mother? If not, how much time do you spend with her? Is your father a part of this picture? What kind of doctor is following your mother's dementia" (GP, Neuro, Psych, Geriatrician, etc)
I strongly suggest joining a support group, preferably one for caregivers of persons with dementia.
Come back and post here anytime. Lots of us have been through what you are experiencing.
I remember this phase. It was the worst phase so far (she's in stage 6 now). I was so hurt and embarrassed by what mom said. And she was no sweetie pie to others either. It's as if all inhibition is lost and, just like a small child, they blurt out whatever they are thinking, like it or not.
They are completely irrational because their brain is being eaten away. They don't have memory or control of what they think or say. I remember being devastated with things like, "You stole all my money." "You threw me on the floor and stole my pain medication." "You want to molest me in the shower." Oh God, what horrible (and untrue) accusations! She told everyone at the senior living apartments these stories also. I was investigated by Adult Protective Services and "cleared" due to her advanced dementia. I moved her into memory care shortly after that.
Sunny girl and jeannegibbs have great ideas. I can't think of anything I would add to their recommendations. I'm empathizing with you, this is a damn hard phase of this disease.
Just explain that mom has dementia and most people will understand her horrible behavior. Try to avoid an argument and agree with her even though what she's saying is absurd. A person can't get mad or argue with someone who is agreeing with them. Learn diversion tactics. Switch the subject, tell her you have to go to the bathroom, press the ringer on your cell phone to simulate a call, do whatever you need to do to change the situation. If it gets too bad (and you live separately) go home, if you live together, go to your room.
Even though you can't fault her for her behavior, you are human and may find you have a boiling point with her nastiness. That's OK. Leave BEFORE you start screaming back. Or, as others on this board do, go scream your lungs out in a closet or garage, just not at her. We've all been through this phase. We're available as a shoulder to cry on and an open ear. This phase will pass (but not nearly soon enough). Good luck and God bless you all.