How do I stop a jealous non-caregiver sibling from harassing me?
I am the youngest of four children. We're all middle-aged. For the past eight years, I've been caring for my elderly parents. Unfortunately, I went into this situation without a clear outline of my duties and financial responsibilities. My parents wished to stay in their home and asked me and my family (husband and 2 kids) to move in with them. My parents had been unable to keep up the maintenance on their house, and though I came over to help out each weekend, the house needed major renovations. So when I moved in, we all decided together to put my name on the deed so I could take out a loan to repair the house.
My father died of cancer a few years ago. I, my mother and my husband cared for him at home. My siblings did not visit or help. They did come for a memorial service, whereupon one sister threw a major tantrum about her "inheritance." She seemed to think that the house would go to her and not my mom. Ever since then, she has been obsessed with the house, alternately begging to move in with us and badmouthing me on Facebook. She portrays me as a freeloader, even though she's the one always borrowing money from our mother. She even has friends drive by the house to report back to her. I know she's going through a hard time, but she's managed to alienate all her siblings, and my mother doesn't want her here. This sister even received a $7K life insurance policy from my father that the rest of us didn't get, but she's already blown through the money.
What I worry about most is that after my mother dies, my mother's part of the house will be split among my other siblings, and I am sure this sister will drag me into court arguing about what she proclaims is an "unfair" split. She has already been involved in many lawsuits with other people. I would like to remove my name from the deed, so that it's not an issue, but I have over $100K invested in the house. I don't see any way out of this tangle other than to sell the house, which would mean moving my mother out of her own home.
After talking with my mother's pastor, I realized that this sister feels that I am the "favorite" child, and that she's been shortchanged (despite doing nothing for our parents). The pastor thinks that removing my name from the deed won't actually solve the problem. Even so, I want the strife over my mother's future estate to end. I don't even care about getting any money - I would be happy with nothing if that would stop my sister from causing me stress. I have repeatedly told her that my mother may need to sell the house anyway if she needs to go into care, but my sister doesn't listen to facts or reason. She's very difficult to communicate with, because she only talks about herself.
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They lawyer looked at me, and said "they aren't going to be friends with you after this, you understand that, right?" You bet! they're not friends with me now anyhoo, so who cares! LOL At any rate, I think you should follow suit. I found once this was in place, I did not get upset at their shenanigans, because I had ironclad protection. I sleep well now!
There is nothing you will be able to do to get her to stop. If she's that jealous and greedy (or thinks she's entitled) you will not change her behavior. By trying to appease her your enabling her. All of this is from my experience with my sister. My therapist recommend I stop engaging her. We will talk but as soon as she starts with the crap I literally get up and walk away.
Does your mom have dementia? Is she of "sound mind" if so, I would gather all supporting documentation of what you have done with the home and go to a lawyer. If possible get your other siblings support. Explain you would get like your invest back as a "thank you" for taking care of your parents so they didn't. Ask if it can be separate from the "inheritance". Did the100K investment increase the property value? Point that out - you made all of them a little extra.
Be prepared to piss off all of your siblings. Sorry but this is why it is best not to put your kids on your property/accounts before you die. Just leave it all in your estate and let them divide it up when the dust settles.
One reason most lawyers advise not leaving out children from a will or showing favorites is because of the legacy it creates. You leave discord behind and anger. You have to ask yourself is that what you really want to do. It carries on to the next generation and never ends.
I assume that first your father and then your mother left valid wills, which you, as their executor, saw to properly, yes? I'm assuming that because, as a competent business owner, no doubt you will have seen to it.
Your brother and sister can blame you and accuse you as much as they like. You know the truth of the matter. You can demonstrate the truth to anyone who cares to know it. Let them say what they like, it doesn't make any difference to reality.
I am surprised that the police chose to get involved, but the solution to that particular problem is to send your sister a copy of the death certificate. Granted, she should be perfectly capable of obtaining one herself, it takes very little initiative or cash to do so, but since she asks - why not? If it's because you suspect she will use it to submit a fraudulent claim, put your suspicions to one side: that isn't your business or your problem. Should anyone ask you to confirm her presence at the funeral, you will then have your opportunity to explain that she did not in fact attend - but don't anticipate this happening.
Emails: scan them when they arrive for any details you might actually want to know. If they're offensive, delete them. Treat them, in other words, as you treat all emails: we all get spam and junk that we'd rather not see, but it's easily dealt with.
Don't block the phone calls. Always answer the phone, or let it ring through to voicemail, as it suits you, as you normally would. If the caller becomes a nuisance or offensive, hang up. If the message is abusive, delete it.
If the harassment becomes serious or escalates, injunctions are an option. I assume, from what you say, that you would have no difficulty with the legal cost. If you do think it might come to that, make a record and then start keeping a complete, accurate and factual log of your siblings' behaviour: this will make it much easier for any court to understand what protection you require, and why.
The reason I feel confident that - if you stand your ground and continue to brush them aside - they will eventually get bored and go away is that they have had more than a year to get legally serious about any issues they perceive to exist, but they haven't done it. The sort of people who claim to have been kept away from their parents for TWENTY YEARS but did nothing about it are usually also the sort of people who mutter, grumble and rhubarb forever, to no effect. It's hot air. Open the window and ignore them.
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