I must be burned out..even though care is shared with an agency I get questions and have to coordinate the tasks for them daily.
I am off during the day, work overnight early morning and evenings...my social life took a dive since working nights and I feel trapped...
i have been divorced for 7 yrs and am scared I will be alone when she dies..she is slowly dying of pulmonary fibrosis.i am the only living relative.
she says things that disrespect me and I snapped tonight and threw my water at her...then she sweetened the deal and did it again and I hit her...WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
The fact that you physically assaulted your Mother, who has dementia among some physical disabilities, is unforgiveable.
My take is that you should remove yourself from hands-on caregiving. Perhaps you need some help with anger management and I'd encourage you to look into that. But right now you are not a suitable caregiver for an aggravating non-cooperative woman with dementia.
What do you suppose would happen to a caregiver in a nursing home who threw water on a resident and then hit her? Do you think she would have her caregiving job the next day?
You need to resign your role. You can still take care of her finances, make sure she is getting the other help she needs, but all from a distance.
This situation is clearly not good for you. (You obviously are not pleased with your own behavior.) It is certainly not good for your mother.
You did your best. You stuck it out for years. Now is time for it to be over.
Once you figure out your mom, you need to also work on yourself. The NFCSP paid for my 6 sessions of my therapy. It helped me a LOT. If I needed a massage, they would have provided that but .. . You really need to sit down and think what it is you really need to do - that is best for you and your mom. Not just our mom. But for Both of you.
If you don't nip this aggressiveness towards your mom now, it will continue to increase. Your temper and patience will continue to wear thin, and you will find yourself acting out from it...more and more. Please start making phone calls. {{Hugs}}
We all "lose it" -- any care giver who says they never do isn't being truthful, in my opinion. We all "fail". We must take comfort in knowing that we're doing the very best we can.
However. Throwing water into a loved one's face is beyond failure. It is an indication that you have total burnout. Or resentments. That's not going to go away. I actually don't think you should "wait until next time." I think you should make other arrangements for your mom's care.
Take your mom to the ER. They will make sure that she is taken care of while you get away and figure out what to do next.
You are not just burned out, you did a criminal act of elder abuse. If it happened once, it can happen again. Turn your mother's care over to another person and get help to put your own life back in order.