What I've decided to do is to remind my FIL that I've heard this *specific* story before rather than make a general statement that I don't want to be a sounding board for reminiscing.
I'd like to have a 2-way conversation and I don't feel like he thinks I'm really there when he repeats a story for the umpteenth time.
I'm afraid that if I make a general statement like, "I don't want to hear about things that happened to you 60 years ago" he'll stop talking. Also, he may not know what to talk about if it's not something from his past.
Next time I see him I'm also going to come prepared with a list of current topics to talk about. He does seem to be interested in current events sometimes when I talk to him.
If not, it's a good idea to ask him questions about himself rather than encouraging him to talk about current events, which are bleak and could lead to arguments. The vast majority of people love to be asked about themselves and their interests, so maybe that's a better train of thought to lead him down. Otherwise, the price of gas and groceries could lead to a heated discussion where you could both agree on how awful things are, huh? 😶
I always tried to steer the conversations to neutral territory when talking with my mother before her dementia made her pretty quiet in general. Good luck!
It might say something about me, because my father did the same thing -- kept repeating stories about himself I'd heard a dozen times before.
This is an assertiveness exercise for me. I want to change the dynamic of the relationship so that we're both thinking "I and Thou" instead of me being an object to reminisce to.
I'm not worried about him getting emotional about a political topic. He's not like that and neither am I. If we do talk about current events it's just an exchange of opinions.
I've offered to take him to a senior center where he lives, but he's not interested. I thought maybe he might be able to meet someone there.
He used to be a woodworker, but I don't think he's motivated to do that any longer.
He does read, and I think that's the ticket: I'll see what he's reading and if I have any interest at all in the book I'll get a copy and read it also.
likely he wouldn’t keep repeating the same stories. This happens when they can’t recall recent events. I’ve known many people well into their nineties who were good conversationalists, keen to talk about the news, even running a business or other mentally challenging pursuits. Seems to me like FIL has dementia. Better have him checked out.
It will actually be a good test. My wife and I visit him weekly to take him food she prepares for a week's worth of dinners and I chat with him. I haven't tried very hard to turn the conversation to the present, but am going to try this week.
I would add in redirection back to the present.
"Yes, that sounded like a great time". Listen for polite (short time). Then redirect to now.
"What have you done THIS week?"
"What are your plans for the coming week?"
Be on the lookout for other issues too.
Losing hearing can also dimish two-way conversation - how IS his hearing?
Losing hope for his future may be turning his attentions to the safety of the past? Or locked in grief - he needs the reminiscing?
"I think he watches old Westerns all day long since that's what's always playing on the TV whenever I visit".
Where is FIL by the way? Still (mostly) self-caring at home independently? Or living in AL? Bored & turning away from any social activities on offer?
Another angle could be to merely watch the Westerns with him, if that was his top joy. (I don't mind a western.. if you hate'em.. look for something else!)
He turns off the Western he's been watching when my wife and I come to visit.
I think most of us try to be tolerant, but also try the ‘did I tell you before about ….’, to avoid being too repetitive. Perhaps you can include ‘I think you told me about this before – he said ..blah blah blah’ . Perhaps you can congratulate yourself on helping your elder to relive the past. But I’m afraid we all get old and boring!
I would maybe say "Dad, I have heard those stories a million times that I have them memorized let talk about what's going on today" You can do it in a nice way. Maybe that would be a good time to bring up the Senior Center. He can swap stories with the other guys. Men his own age that understand where he is coming from. Better than sitting in one room watching TV alone.
Baby steps. An errand out + coffee. Just to be out in the world. Then a morning tea.
Then lunch at the senior centre, all go together.
Kinda like the 'social engineering' that is done to introduce youngsters to playgroup, then ease them into kindergarten in a way 😁
If it is enjoyable, he will want to return.
If however, he has such a level of depression making him lonely despite people trying to connect, that will need to be addressed first.
I tried again yesterday to interest him in going to a senior center, which is only 5 miles away from his house. He says he still drives and says he could get there.
I spent a good 10 minutes telling him about the senior center I go to and how you can participate in groups and meet people. I looked up the program of activities for his senior center online and showed him all the fun things he could do. I offered to go there with him. He listened politely and smiled, as he usually does, when I talk about senior centers. He never gives any specific reason about why he does not want to visit his.
Just use a generic response every few minutes like:
'Is that right? I didn't know that'.
'That's interesting'.
'Good for you/him/her/whoever'.
'Oh, that's too bad'.
These responses pretty much cover everything and you should do all right with them. Believe me hearing the same story over and over sure beats the carrying on about politics, religion, or every detail of their BM from A to Z.
Telling the same story repeatedly isn't the same as asking the same question over and over. I have an answer three time rule then ignore the question.