She is still young and mobile. She has friends but she is giving me a huge guilt trip over not coming for Christmas. She's 11 hours away and I just don't have the money. We just moved and bought a house. In order to get the home loan, we had to put 10% down. I do feel guilty. I hate for her to be alone but she has options with friends. I don't like Christmas at her house, it never feels like the holidays. I'm not talking about gifts, just the mood. There is always drama....Help
Mind you. Would you send her an invitation if you thought she might accept it?
And if she *wouldn't* accept it because she always spends Christmas at her house with her friends - ! Da capo: how, alone?
She is offering you the ticket for the guilt trip but you don't have to take it.
Staying in your own home for Christmas is fine, Her staying in her home is fine, Her trying to guilt you about not coming to her home is not fine. Don't buy into it. She is making choices as are you. If she wants to be miserable b/c you are not going there, that is her choice. As you say she has other options. This is not about Christmas and you not coming and her being alone. It is about manipulation and control. Step out of the fog. You are entitled to make your own choices even if they don't please others. Have a great Christmas!!!
You don't enjoy Christmas at her house anyway. You don't need to financially justify not making the trip.
Don't let her guilt-tripping control you. Let her know you won't be there in person, wish her a Merry Christmas, and carry on with your own celebration. If she continues to pout, that is her choice.
Congratulations to you, Ms. 71 year-old. Boundary setting is hard. First is being aware of that need and then going through the growing pains of actually feeling one deserves to feel whole and feel through it. You, my dear, are a role model to me. I'm just a few years behind you. However, I believe you likely had a full life and continue to do so. What is your story. I am sure it is very inspirational to many of us here. gg
If you do not have the room at your house a local hotel might be an option.
If this is something that you would be willing to offer as a suggestion then present that to her. As well as reminding her that she has friends that she can spend the holiday with.
Don't feel guilty if she has these options and she CHOOSES to be alone that is on her not on you.
Let me just say this, without people going down the toxic relationship road here. Parents and grandparents purchasing plane tickets occasionally is a lovely gesture. Adults who never arrange their finances to include occasional visits just might be the selfish ones. Only the parties in the relationship know what’s really going on. I’ve purchased more than a few flights, hotel rooms, cooked nom-stop for family guests. Loved on them, bragged on them, cherished them. With health going south, and fixed income, it seems neglect of the elders is their new normal. Not how they were raised. Ours were taught by example, helped elder relatives as needs arose, did not have to be paid to assist. It’s a whole new world, one we elders just have to accept.
Maybe try being supportive and not piling on the guilt trip, yeah?
There's your answer.
Let her deal with it and you go find a therapist to help you overcome your being raised in guilt compounded by fear and obligation.
There's also a good book about Marriage and Boundaries that might be helpful.
Congratulations on the new house! Have a Merry Christmas!
You might benefit from learning to set up some healthy boundaries in this relationship.
If you want, you can say I’m REALLY SORRY.....” , but you don’t have to. Saying “We just can’t make it” is fine.
In this situation, I would not even say I am sorry. I would reflect back to mother what she wants - not re-act to it, i.e., "I understand you want me to . . . . I hope that you decide to be with . . . or take advantage of meeting new people at . . . " and let me know what you decide to do." This is being respectful and standing up for one's self.
And yes, we are very happy in our new place
It strikes me as terribly selfish for her to make you feel bad that you can't make a long and expensive trip to see her.
Maybe she'd like to pay your plane fare?
I understand about the 11 hrs. One BIL is 12 hrs away the other 18. When MIL was with us, she was 16. Long way to go for just a day or 3.